How To Avoid an Ass-Kicking in North Carolina

Discussion in 'Humor' started by USViking, Feb 25, 2006.

  1. USViking
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    USViking VIP Member

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    1.Don’t come to North Carolina with anti-smoking T-shirts
    or bumper stickers like “Keep your butt in the car” or you
    will get your ass kicked as soon as you cross the border.

    2. Don’t go into one of our Barbeque joints and ask for beef
    or you will get your ass kicked. We serve pork only.

    3. If you order our pork barbeque, and then complain about how
    sour, tough, and stringy it is, you will really get your ass kicked.

    4. If you ask what a “hush puppy” is in a restaurant, you will get
    your ass kicked.

    5. If you ask what “grits” are, you will get your ass kicked.

    6. If you think the ice tea is way too sweet you best better
    keep it to yourself. Otherwise another ass-kicking.

    7. You may root for Wake Forest in Winston-Salem, Dook in
    Durham, and NC State in Raleigh. If you root for anyone besides
    the UNC Tarheels in any other part of the state, your sorry ass
    will be kicked beyond recognition.

    8. The Southern accent cannot be effectively imitated, even by
    the best actors and actresses. Vivien Leigh was forgiven for her
    maudlin Southern accent in Gone With the Wind only because she
    was such a fine piece of ass. If you come in here and try to talk
    with a Southern accent you will get your ass kicked unless you
    are as good looking as Vivien Leigh.

    9: Here is an example of local humor:
    Question: How does a redneck seduce a woman?
    Answer: He says; “Git in the back of the truck and strip, bitch.”
    See?- we can laugh at ourselves. Outsiders should laugh politely
    at our self-depreciating humor, but they will get their asses kicked
    as never before if they repeat such a joke themselves.

    10. The names “Sherman” and “Grant” are forbidden in this state.
    If either one of these is your name you will have to legally change
    it before you come here. Violators will get their asses kicked before
    they are shot.

    11. Speaking of shooting, any out of state pansy who thinks he knows
    a barrel from the butt hasn’t seen what our boys can do. Whoever
    mentions the word “gun” in this state has to go out and prove himself
    by hitting a squirrel between the eyes from a 100 yards, shooting cross-
    handed. Then he also has to eat the squirrel raw. Failure to pass this test
    results in a really bad ass-kicking.

    12. We have a lot of colorful authentic Southern Sheriffs here,
    some of whom have never been indicted for anything yet.
    “Support your Local Sheriff” is taken very seriously by us.
    You must have a “Support your Local Sheriff” bumper sticker
    on your car at least during election years or face a certain ass-kicking.

    13. There is a town in NC named “Tobaccoville”. You must make
    a pilgrimage to this Holy Place within one week of entering the state
    if you don’t want an ass-kicking.

    14. We also have towns with names like “Climax”, and “Leaksville-Spray”.
    Do not make fun of any of these if you don’t want your ass kicked.

    15. The greatest President the USA ever had was James K. Polk,
    born in NC, and a UNC graduate. Why?- look it up, dork- he was
    President during the Mexican War, and single-handedly got us Texas,
    New Mexico, Arizona, California, and a bunch of other places. Many
    might think California was a mistake, but it looked good at the time.
    Remember this when in NC. Memory loss leads to ass-kickings.

    16. Do not go around asking for moonshine here, or people will think
    you are an agent, and will kick your ass. If you don’t act like a complete
    idiot, someone may sooner or later trust you enough to offer you some.

    17. Not everyone in this state likes stock car racing and Jesse Helms.
    We have a lot of diversity here, so don't try to suck up to everyone
    by praising shit not all of us care for, because someone might not
    appreciate it, and kick your ass.

    18. EVERYONE in this state likes College Basketball. Some of the
    fastest and most severe ass-kickings have resulted from lack of
    enthusiasm for College Basketball.

    19. Do not visit in mid to late April, when the rebud and dogwood
    trees are blooming at the same time. This peerless natural beauty
    might cause you to stay after you have spent all your money.
    Then we would have to kick your ass out.

    20. North Carolina is known as the “Tar Heel” state because during
    the Revolutionary War some Redcoats ran up against an NC unit and
    got their asses kicked when our men held their ground as though
    their feet were stuck in tar. Damnyankees got a taste of the same
    kind of ass-kicking during the Civil War; too bad they bred faster
    than we could take them out. Knowledge of this important part of
    our history should help you to maintain a respectful attitude when you
    visit our state. We don’t really want to kick your ass unless we have to.
     
  2. Nienna
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    Nienna Senior Member

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    This is absolutely gorgeous, especially when set against the new green of other leaf buds.
     
  3. Hobbit
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    Hobbit Senior Member

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    I am convinced that I am fully ready to enter North Carolina. The only issue is that if anybody wants to kick my ass for cheering for Arkansas, my alma matar, they're welcome to try. If I go down, I'm breaking as many noses as I can before it happens, and knowing the south quite well, I know that handing out a good ass-kicking while getting your ass kicked will get you respect and admiration. I know this from what happened the last time Arkansas beat Georgia.
     
  4. USViking
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    USViking VIP Member

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    I'm glad you got a chance to see it.

    Virginia is similarly blessed. The blooms are especially nice
    in and near the mountains.

    Hope you get another chance to view them, and stay as
    long as you like! (provided you have money)
     
  5. USViking
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    USViking VIP Member

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    Since Carolina, Dook, State and Wake
    hate each other, and might pull for the
    Iranian national team against any of
    the others, you could find a safe crowd
    to watch any game with.
     

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