hangover jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by hangover, Oct 10, 2013.

  1. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    A woodpecker from Montana flew over to Idaho to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees this Idaho woodpecker pecking on a tree, and it's having a hell of a time, can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big old feast of bugs and grubs. Then he flies back to Montana. A week later that Idaho woodpecker flies over to Montana to check out the bugs and grubs in the trees over there. He lands in a tree and sees that same Montana woodpecker pecking on a tree, and he's having a hell of a time, just can't get through it. So he flies over and bores through the tree with no problem, and they have a big old feast of bugs and grubs. And the moral of the story is....The farther away from home you are, the harder your pecker gets.
  2. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    A fish saw a fly flying over the lake, and thought to himself that if that fly dropped down six inches he could jump up and get it. And there was a fisherman on the bank eating a sandwich, that saw the fish, and thought to himself that when that fish jumped he could catch that fish. And there was a mouse that saw the fisherman and thought to himself, that when that fisherman went after the fish, he was going to drop his sandwich, and that mouse was going to get the sandwich. But there was a cat that saw the mouse, and thought to himself that when that mouse went after the sandwich, he was going to get that mouse. Sure enough, the fly dropped down six inches, the fish jumped for the fly, the fisherman dropped his sandwich and went after the fish, the mouse went after the sandwich, and the cat went after the mouse, but missed and fell in the lake! The moral of the story is...When a fly drops six inches, a pussy gets wet.
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  3. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    No one can get down off an elephant. You can only get down off a duck...or a goose.
  4. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    A blonde and a brunette get on an elevator, and a man in a suit gets on in front of them. The brunette notices he has dandruff on his suit and whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him some Head and Shoulders." The blonde asks, "How do you give shoulders?"
  5. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    Why do elephants have four feet?...Because six inches won't get there.
  6. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    Teacher asks Johnie how many shots would it take to shoot two birds off a fence? Johnie relies, "all you have to do is shoot once in the air and they'd fly away." Teacher says, "Well the answer I was looking for was two, but I like the way you think." Johnie says, " I got one for you teacher. Three women are in an ice cream parlor sharing an ice cream cone. One licks it, one bites it, and the third sucks on it, which one is married?" Teacher replies, "Now Johnie, I know you're going to say the one that sucked on it." Johnie says, "No, it's the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."
  7. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    A blonde takes her goldfish to the veterinarian. The vet asks what's wrong with it. The blonde says, "I think it has epilepsy." The vet says, "It looks fine to me." The blonde says, "Well look what happens when I take it out of the bow."
  8. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    Jokes for your kids.....

    Why did the elephant paint his toenails red? So he could hide in the cherry tree.
    Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? Works good don't it.
    How did Tarzan die? Picking cherries.

    What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A lot of room.

    What side of a duck has the most feathers? The outside.
  9. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    A hippie walks in a bar and orders a beer. While drinking his beer, he notices an old indian staring at him. Finally the hippie gets tired of it and walks over and says, "Hey old man, why you keep staring at me?" The old indian replies, "Many moons ago, I was in the wilderness, and I was lonely, and I made love to a buffalo......and I think you're my kid!"

    I can tell that joke, because I'm part hippie and part Native American. If you can't laugh at yourself, seek help.
  10. Billo_Really
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    Billo_Really Gold Member

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    Why do they make aspirin white?

    So it will work!
  11. Billo_Really
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    Billo_Really Gold Member

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    Why do women fake orgasms?

    Because they think we care!
  12. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    How do bigots start all their jokes? By first looking over both shoulders.
  13. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    Why don't men have very many brains? Because you can't fit many in a head the size of a strawberry.

    Why don't women have any brains? Because they don't have a dick to keep them in.
  14. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    A guy takes a blind date out to dinner, and she orders all the most expensive stuff on the menu, king crab, lobster and prime rib. They guy asks her if her parents feed her like that, and she says, "No, but they don't expect a blow job after dinner either."
  15. Billo_Really
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    Billo_Really Gold Member

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    A guy stands up in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes!"

    Another man jumps up and says, "Hey, I resent that!"

    The first man responds, "Are you a lawyer?"

    The second man goes, "No, I'm an asshole!"
  16. Billo_Really
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    Billo_Really Gold Member

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    What's the difference between a Porche and a Mercedes?

    Lady Di wouldn't be caught dead in a Porche!
  17. Billo_Really
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    Billo_Really Gold Member

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    What's 12 inches long and makes a woman scream in the morning?


    Crib death!
  18. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    Why are pubic hairs curly? So they don't poke you in the eye.

    What's the last thing you hear before a pubic hair hits the floor? PFT!
  19. hangover
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    hangover Senior Member

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    What does a West Virginia girl say to keep her virginity? Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!

    What does a West Virginia boy say to keep his virginity? Get off me dad, your crushing my smokes!
  20. Sunshine
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    Sunshine Trust the pie. Supporting Member

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    A hangover is no joke.

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