hangover jokes

[hangover]

Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicolas and Tiger Woods get hit by lightening on the eighteenth green and go up to heaven where God is sitting on his throne. He asks, "What do you guys believe?" Arnie says, "I believe in being faithful to my fans." Jack says, "I believe in the integrity of the game." Tiger says, "I believe you're in my seat, get up."

 

[hangover]

The height of embarrassment is when a guy walks into a door with an erection, and breaks his nose.

 

[Billo_Really]

Did you hear about the blonde who bragged to her boyfriend she solved the puzzle in 2 to 3 weeks, when the side of the box said 3 to 5 years?

 

[hangover]

Why do blondes wear loop earrings? Stirrups.

 

[hangover]

The blonde had a bruise on her navel because her boyfriend was blonde too.

 

[hangover]

Jesus and Moses were on the tee box, on the 175 yard par three over the lake. Jesus said, " I think Jack Nicolas would use a seven iron for this shot." Moses replied, "That's a big lake, you better use your five iron." Jesus said, "If Jack can do it, so can I." So he hits his seven iron right into the lake, and tries it and again with the same result. So he walks out on the lake to get his balls, and a foursome comes up on the tee box and sees Jesus out on the lake. One of them says, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses says, "No, he thinks he Jack Nicolas."

 

[hangover]

For Billo...
What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? You gonna eat that?

 

[hangover]

A lady asks a threesome on the first tee if she could be a fourth. She plays left handed and kicks all their asses. So the guys ask for a rematch. She joins them the next day and plays right handed, and kicks their asses again. So they ask for one more chance. She was supposed to meet them on the first tee at 10am, but doesn't show until 10:30, and she's playing left handed again. One guy asks how she decides to play left or right handed. She says,"Well, when I wake up in the morning, if my husband is laying off to the left, I play left handed, if he's laying to the right I play right handed." The guy says, "Well, what if he got morning wood?" She replies, "Then I'm thirty minutes late."

 

[hangover]

An elderly couple were on the eighteenth tee of a golf course lined with nice homes. The old guy duck hooked his drive through the window of one of the houses, and went and knocked on the door to fess up to it, and pay for the window. A man answered the door and said, "Thank you sir, you have freed me from my prison, that shattered bottle on the floor. You see, I'm a genie, and because you freed me, I'm going to give you any wish you want." The old guy said, "Yeah sure, ok I'll take a million dollars." The genie said, "Poof, it's in your bank account! And I'm going to give your wife a wish too. What would you like ma'am?" She said, "I'd love one of these houses on this golf course." Genie said, "Poof, your wish is my command! And I feel so great now that I'm free, I'm going to give myself a wish. I wish I had 30 minutes upstairs with this lovely lady." The old guy said,"You can forget it bud!" But the old lady said, " Now wait honey, a million dollars and a house on the course, I'll do it!" Thirty minutes later they were laying back on the bed and the guy says, "Lady, how long have you believed in genies?"

 

[hangover]

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, hermother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is the USA a great country or what? Well, ... not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet ...

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts ...

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

 

[hangover]

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,
The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I
will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New
Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the
supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the
concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust
several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that could possibly help
mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he
said,
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives.
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking
when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make
a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

 

[hangover]

A cabby picks up a nun...

She gets into the cab, and notices that the driver is VERY
handsome. The cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
And have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
To be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
Have a wonderful weekend!

 

[hangover]

Biggest joke in the world....
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHjIb6trxBI]Bush Tries to Escape - YouTube[/ame]

 

[hangover]

A gay bar with no chairs is a fruit stand.

 

[hangover]

A bunch of seminarians were taking their last test to become priests. The bishop made them all line up nekid with bells tied to their wanks. The bishop told them that if their bell rang they failed the test. Then he brought in a hooker that passed by each seminarian doing the hoochy coo. None of the bells rang until the last guy. And he popped a stiffy that sent the bell flying to the corner of the room. An alter boy bent over to pick it up, and all the other bells went off.

 

[hangover]

My wife got naked and asked me to "show her a good time".
So I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married...

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries..

 

[hangover]

Two ladies teed off on the first hole, a 450 yard par four. After six shots each, they finally got to the 150 yard marker. A foursome of guys yelled at them to let them play through, but they figured they were only a twosome, and kept playing. After another six shots, they finally drained their putts, and went and teed off on the second hole. Six shots later, they got to the green on a 150 yard marker again. The foursome of guys on the tee were getting tired of waiting, and one guy teed up his ball and hit one of the girls right in the head, knocked her out cold. She came to a few minutes later, and went to the pro shop and told the man at the counter. He asked where they hit her. She said between the first and second hole. He says, "Lady, you're standing with your legs too far apart."

 

[hangover]

You know you're a Taliban if.............

You refine heroin for a living,but have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher,but you can't afford shoes.


You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand,but consider bacon "unclean"

You think that vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVENT declared jihad against.

You consider television dangerous,but routinely carry explosives in your clothing

You are amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase,"I love what you've done with your cave."

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

 

[hangover]

See if you can work this out:

There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the
bottom of the hill..

There were four men ....

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men?






* The man going up the hill: was rushin

* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin

* The man walking down the hill: was finish

* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for
the light to turn green!

 

[hangover]

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.