Giving support

[Gracie]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

 

[Foxfyre]

Great topic Grace.

Of course there are people in the world who keep score, who expect favors in return for favors, who almost hold hostage beneficiaries of their 'kindness' or 'generosity'. It is one of the reasons our government is in the mess it it in, and personally I think it puts serious strains on many relationships.

I do quite a bit of charity work for people who don't know I'm doing it. They can never pay me back, say thank you, or feel grateful. I know that at the time I do what I do. I have worked for decades with substance abusers and their codependents, and I sometimes have to remind myself that I don't do that for the credit, for very often the helper doesn't get the credit when somebody does start digging themselves out of the hole they put themselves in. I help lead Sunday worship services for residents of a nearby rehab center/nursing home. Most of those folks will never leave the place, don't have a clue who I am, many won't even remember me much less show me any appreciation, much less 'pay me back' for my time and effort. And that's okay. The fact that they come to the services is thanks enough.

But what about those who you make the effort to visit when they are sick, be there for when they grieve, and go out of your way to do other kindnesses and they don't reciprocate when you need somebody? You have somebody over for dinner or invite them to go out again and again, and they never invite you? It is sometimes difficult not to feel a bit resentful. Most especially if they object to being omitted from the next invitation. But hold them emotionally hostage? I don't want people to do that to me. I try not to do it to others.

But then there are times that I have received help when I desperately needed it, and when the time came that I needed to 'pay back', I had neither the time or energy or wherewithal or ability. At such times you have to hope that they understand, and I am so grateful when they do. Or if I have no opportunity to reciprocate, I hope doing something for somebody else is sufficient.

And to hold us emotionally hostage because 'we owe them' is just wrong.

One thing I do have a hard time understanding though is how days, weeks, months, years of good deeds, friendship, and love can be wiped out by one wrong word or act. I do expect people to cut me a bit of slack when I am expected to do that for them.

But pay me back. No. I try not to ask that.

 

[Esmeralda]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

I'm not quite clear what kind of support you asked for and got, or exactly what the price tag was. If someone in my life asked for financial support during a health crisis, and I had the wherewithal to help out, I would, without expecting anything in return, not even the money being paid back. As far as that person asking for emotional support, or help with daily life issues, like errands, looking after kids, etc., that also would be given w/o question. I've always done things like that for friends and even people who are friendly acquaintances. What I don't like is when you do something like that for someone and then they turn around and shit in your face. I wouldn't expect someone I'd helped out to toe some line of belief or lifestyle, but I would expect, as I had been a kind and giving friend, that, once on their feet again, they didn't turn on me and do detrimental things to me, which is something I've had happen, more than once. Still, I'm naive enough to continue to help people and not assume that will happen again.

If you are referring to online friends and that they expect you to side with them on every issue, like on a forum/discussion board, because they helped you out: no, I wouldn't expect that. I only like people who are true to themselves; they are the only people I can respect.

 

[Gracie]

Both of you responded wonderfully and I agree with both of you. Giving emotional support should be given freely because it is just the common courtesy of being there for another human being. To hold them hostage and toss it in their face if you do not conform to something, or expect some kind of repayment is not giving freely. It is expectation of something else down the time line road.

The cancer society here in town knows me well now. I just say my first name and they ask what they can do for me..how am I doing, etc. They never ask why I don't call them if a week passes by or a month or a few days. They are just there for when I need them and if I COULD repay their kindness in some way, I would in a heartbeat because they don't expect me to or demand it of me. But I can't repay their support and kindness except by paying it forward..which is what I try to do every day, in whatever manner I can.

So, once again and for the last time, those who know and understand the following....THANK YOU. And I am sorry words were misread or miscontrued and doors were shut because I chose to walk thru it instead of being beholden for support I know was genuinely given FREELY but expectations were thrown by others. I appreciate you who never expected anything in return for holding my hand when I reach out to you. And I will always be available to you. FREELY.

The following says it all:

One thing I do have a hard time understanding though is how days, weeks, months, years of good deeds, friendship, and love can be wiped out by one wrong word or act. I do expect people to cut me a bit of slack when I am expected to do that for them.

 

[g5000]

A friend of mine is dying from pancreatic cancer. I have been supporting him for the past nine months since I found out. He is in his final days now. He has already lived far longer than any of us expected.

A great number of people in our social circle are supporting him. One person took him into his home so he would not have to go to hospice. The rest of us visit him frequently enough that he has a constant stream of visitors.


A number of years ago I created a local charitable organization that helps anyone who is in any kind of crisis through no fault of their own. We helped to bridge the gap over the crisis. One month we were raising money to help a blind kid with cerebral palsy get a new wheelchair, the next month we were helping a widow with three kids who lost her husband in an auto accident, the next month helping a retarded woman who was found abandoned in the woods after her mother died, and so forth. Every month was something new.

At Christmas we had a "Wish Tree" to provide gifts, blankets, and clothing to the very poorest in our community. At Thanksgiving we would provide a banquet for those same families, and a couple dozen more.

This went on for several years.

Then a devastating tragedy happened in my own life and I had to take some time out for myself.

Words cannot express what I felt when the whole town turned out to help. It was right out of a Hollywood movie.


About a year ago I was asked to join the board of directors of a non-profit. This organization had a very narrow mission, and I have since convinced them to move toward the model that my organization had. We are now gearing up to do just that.

It feels good to be back in the groove again.

That is the kind of stuff I do in my spare time.

Well, I also spend some of my spare time being an asshole on a political forum on the internet...

 

[Foxfyre]

Both of you responded wonderfully and I agree with both of you. Giving emotional support should be given freely because it is just the common courtesy of being there for another human being. To hold them hostage and toss it in their face if you do not conform to something, or expect some kind of repayment is not giving freely. It is expectation of something else down the time line road.

The cancer society here in town knows me well now. I just say my first name and they ask what they can do for me..how am I doing, etc. They never ask why I don't call them if a week passes by or a month or a few days. They are just there for when I need them and if I COULD repay their kindness in some way, I would in a heartbeat because they don't expect me to or demand it of me. But I can't repay their support and kindness except by paying it forward..which is what I try to do every day, in whatever manner I can.

So, once again and for the last time, those who know and understand the following....THANK YOU. And I am sorry words were misread or miscontrued and doors were shut because I chose to walk thru it instead of being beholden for support I know was genuinely given FREELY but expectations were thrown by others. I appreciate you who never expected anything in return for holding my hand when I reach out to you. And I will always be available to you. FREELY.

The following says it all:

One thing I do have a hard time understanding though is how days, weeks, months, years of good deeds, friendship, and love can be wiped out by one wrong word or act. I do expect people to cut me a bit of slack when I am expected to do that for them.

I once read a modern proverb that went along the lines of it takes years to build a good reputation and gain people's trust, but only one bad act to destroy both. And I think that is often true.

But I think what you are saying here is unreasonable expectations of what you are expected to say, do, be. By cutting others some slack, we realize that we don't always choose the exact right words or actions at any given time and allow people some leeway there.

And we also don't know what another person's emotional or physical state or what their immediate obligations are or what's going on behind the scenes, and it is unreasonable to expect them to be available for anybody's immediate beck and call every single time.

 

[Connery]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

A true friend never comes with conditions. When I call someone a friend there are many aspects of my being that go along with that whether it is emotional support, physical(help), intellectual or professional assistance etc. , otherwise it is a business arrangement.

 

[Foxfyre]

A true friend also doesn't expect you to put his/her feelings or needs ahead of somebody else, most especially another friend. A true friend does not expect to be the most important friend.

I lost a friend at USMB for liking a post that had offended the friend. The friend didn't know what was going on behind the scenes at the time, other stuff that I was not at liberty to mention, or that the 'like' was not in agreement but rather to reward the restraint of the other friend. I lost another friend at USMB because I refused to take sides in a matter that did not involve me. These kinds of things are always somewhat painful, but also frustrate and anger us because they a) don't give us any benefit of the doubt and b) are unreasonable. And they do make us question whether we were actually friends, or just useful.

All my friends, however, can count on me to care when they are angry or hurting or scared or hurting or need help or whatever. And if I am not in a position, for whatever reason, to provide what it is they need or want, they do cut me some slack. That's what friends do.

 

[g5000]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

I can see a situation where a person provides support with no expectation of anything in return, but then something happens later which causes them to feel a need of support. It is perfectly human for them to, at that point, expect some reciprocation. And it would be pretty rude not to offer it to someone who helped you in the past.

 

[syrenn]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

i have so many thoughts on this gracie i cant even begin.....

A lot of what you are asking is ....who you are getting that support from and what exactly the situation is where "something is expected back in return".

 

[AVG-JOE]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

What do you mean by support?

For that matter, to whom is this support being given, The American Cancer Society, or an individual?


If someone needs a hug, I've a steady supply with no strings attached. *hug*

 

[syrenn]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

What do you mean by support?

For that matter, to whom is this support being given, The American Cancer Society, or an individual?


If someone needs a hug, I've a steady supply with no strings attached. *hug*

ACS is set up TO be there to give out all the emotional support anyone needs.... its their job so to speak. And as such, of course would not "expect" anything in return.

Its gets a bit tricky when that emotional support is not from someone who is paid to give said emotional support...as the ACS is.

Some people are just emotional vampires... so needy they can suck the life out of you. No matter what you do, its not enough. No matter what you do or say, its wrong. But they still want you there for every outburst, every thought, every passing moment. Most of us, once trapped into something like, that feel guilty trying to pry the vampire off. They are a one way street black hole.....of ME ME ME ME.....

I had several people like that attached to me once. It was pretty ugly prying them off. I got off the one way emotional street flowing out supporting them. It really had nothing to do with wanting something back in return.... as it did with, i was not going to be someone they could abuse and expect me to understand and take every angry outburst....of what THEY needed ....

well maybe i did expect something...... i expected them to understand that they could not lash out in their frustrations trying to feel better....and not have the world just pat them on the head and say its was alright for them to behave badly.

and then of course they are hurt and cant understand why you said they were behaving badly.

 

[boedicca]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

First of all: I'm so sorry about your cancer. This is the first I've learned of it. I hope you are getting great treatment.

And now to your question. No, I don't expect something in return for providing emotional support to someone about whom I care. Truly supporting someone means being there For Him and not making the situation about oneself. A person who is hurting doesn't need the additional burden of how to compensate later on.

 

[syrenn]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

First of all: I'm so sorry about your cancer. This is the first I've learned of it. I hope you are getting great treatment.

And now to your question. No, I don't expect something in return for providing emotional support to someone about whom I care. Truly supporting someone means being there For Him and not making the situation about oneself. A person who is hurting doesn't need the additional burden of how to compensate later on.

i agree... being there 110% for the people you love and care about.... the people who are in your lives.

what about people you just know....... people who are not family or even very close friends? Do you give them the same level of emotional support?

I have a neighbor..... who is obviously not getting what she needs emotionally...and she just.....neeeeeedddsss. Needs me to listen and listen and listen.. She only wants to hear what she wants to hear in response without any differing views or opinions. She gets bent thinking i am mad or not talking to her because shes not seen me out on the street.... or because i get out of the car and dash right in and don't stop to talk.

 

[JakeStarkey]

If someone needs it...friend, family, stranger...do you give it freely?

I have spoken to the local cancer society many times since diagnosed. I have had my ups and downs during the process of taking care of what needs taken care of. In some instances, I have asked for and received support from many people...including online. I am forever thankful and will continue to be thankful for that support from them. Especially the cancer society folks who loaned their ears on many an occassion when I blubbered, cried, sniffed, honked in my kleenex. They were very patient and were and are there whenever I need them with no conditions put upon me nor do they or do they expect anything from me at all. They know how much I appreciate their support. This should apply to all who freely gave it when I was in such a bad spot..and still am in a bad spot from time to time.

Which is why I ask this question. Not to start a war or pick at someone or cause strife or grief or point fingers. I ask because I don't understand how support can be given but a price tag is attached for later on that "well, we were there for you". Of course they were. They offered after I asked for that support. But I would not have if I had known in advance it would be used against me if I didn't toe their particular line or spoke out of turn contrary to what they believe in whatever subject.

So...now that I sidetracked myself...do you give support and not expect anything in return? Or do you expect something from it later on?

What do you mean by support?

For that matter, to whom is this support being given, The American Cancer Society, or an individual?


If someone needs a hug, I've a steady supply with no strings attached. *hug*

ACS is set up TO be there to give out all the emotional support anyone needs.... its their job so to speak. And as such, of course would not "expect" anything in return.

Its gets a bit tricky when that emotional support is not from someone who is paid to give said emotional support...as the ACS is.

Some people are just emotional vampires... so needy they can suck the life out of you. No matter what you do, its not enough. No matter what you do or say, its wrong. But they still want you there for every outburst, every thought, every passing moment. Most of us, once trapped into something like, that feel guilty trying to pry the vampire off. They are a one way street black hole.....of ME ME ME ME.....

I had several people like that attached to me once. It was pretty ugly prying them off. I got off the one way emotional street flowing out supporting them. It really had nothing to do with wanting something back in return.... as it did with, i was not going to be someone they could abuse and expect me to understand and take every angry outburst....of what THEY needed ....

well maybe i did expect something...... i expected them to understand that they could not lash out in their frustrations trying to feel better....and not have the world just pat them on the head and say its was alright for them to behave badly.

and then of course they are hurt and cant understand why you said they were behaving badly.

I am learning much from the reading.

I suppose that I must not judge other by their actions when I only judge myself by my intentions.

My son is Scrooge Reborn with his money, EXCEPT when he is on the street: every one asking gets something. I asked him "why all", and he said, "God knows them all and He will sort it out."

 

[Gracie]

I hope I am just suffering paranoia when I read your post syrenn and that was not aimed at me in general. I try very hard not to be a burden to anyone and I rarely talk about personal things that bother me or have happened to me, but sometimes....I have no where else to turn except to the internet. And I never ever expect anything from anyone that I would not do myself if the situation were reversed.
I, too, have met emotional and energy sucking vampires. I give what I can but I do not get too close. They have my sympathy but I can only do so much. I also refuse to be a door mat nor treat anyone else like one. It is just...sometimes, one is not as strong as they wish they could be..or were...or are...and therefore make mistakes and then pay for those mistakes by talking about things they should have never spoken of to begin with.

I asked this question because I have found over the years that no matter where you might call "home" on the internet, body language will never be able to be read nor understood and people may misconstrue...but there will always be someone who twists things around to be what they are not no matter how much one tries to "explain"...and mostly due to the behind the scenes situations Foxy was speaking of. The more explanation, the more people are dragged into something they really don't want any part of...and the less said, the more they may believe what they originally are aware of but not know the intimate details. So one is damned if they do and damned if they don't.

I was curious to what folks thought about this subject since most of us have experienced it in some form or another..and therefore asked. That is all. Nothing nefarious, no hidden agendas. Just something I was thinking about.

Thanks boedicca. I am doing well so far on the estrogen blocker treatment. I declined chemo. If it does not come back in 5 years, I will know the mastectomy got all of it and no cells are still floating around.

 

[Gracie]

g5000....I admire you.

 

[syrenn]

I hope I am just suffering paranoia when I read your post syrenn and that was not aimed at me in general. I try very hard not to be a burden to anyone and I rarely talk about personal things that bother me or have happened to me, but sometimes....I have no where else to turn except to the internet. And I never ever expect anything from anyone that I would not do myself if the situation were reversed.
I, too, have met emotional and energy sucking vampires. I give what I can but I do not get too close. They have my sympathy but I can only do so much. I also refuse to be a door mat nor treat anyone else like one. It is just...sometimes, one is not as strong as they wish they could be..or were...or are...and therefore make mistakes and then pay for those mistakes by talking about things they should have never spoken of to begin with.

I asked this question because I have found over the years that no matter where you might call "home" on the internet, body language will never be able to be read nor understood and people may misconstrue...but there will always be someone who twists things around to be what they are not no matter how much one tries to "explain"...and mostly due to the behind the scenes situations Foxy was speaking of. The more explanation, the more people are dragged into something they really don't want any part of...and the less said, the more they may believe what they originally are aware of but not know the intimate details. So one is damned if they do and damned if they don't.

I was curious to what folks thought about this subject since most of us have experienced it in some form or another..and therefore asked. That is all. Nothing nefarious, no hidden agendas. Just something I was thinking about.

Thanks boedicca. I am doing well so far on the estrogen blocker treatment. I declined chemo. If it does not come back in 5 years, I will know the mastectomy got all of it and no cells are still floating around.

which is why my first question was ....

i have so many thoughts on this gracie i cant even begin.....

A lot of what you are asking is ....who you are getting that support from and what exactly the situation is where "something is expected back in return".

you are not clear as to the "who" we are talking about and in what situation. Nor to you really specify what the "payment is" The answer to your question will differ depending on that.

and again.... your post above is not specific enough to give any kind of real answer...... so answers must be given in general terms.

 

[Gracie]

I hope I am just suffering paranoia when I read your post syrenn and that was not aimed at me in general. I try very hard not to be a burden to anyone and I rarely talk about personal things that bother me or have happened to me, but sometimes....I have no where else to turn except to the internet. And I never ever expect anything from anyone that I would not do myself if the situation were reversed.
I, too, have met emotional and energy sucking vampires. I give what I can but I do not get too close. They have my sympathy but I can only do so much. I also refuse to be a door mat nor treat anyone else like one. It is just...sometimes, one is not as strong as they wish they could be..or were...or are...and therefore make mistakes and then pay for those mistakes by talking about things they should have never spoken of to begin with.

I asked this question because I have found over the years that no matter where you might call "home" on the internet, body language will never be able to be read nor understood and people may misconstrue...but there will always be someone who twists things around to be what they are not no matter how much one tries to "explain"...and mostly due to the behind the scenes situations Foxy was speaking of. The more explanation, the more people are dragged into something they really don't want any part of...and the less said, the more they may believe what they originally are aware of but not know the intimate details. So one is damned if they do and damned if they don't.

I was curious to what folks thought about this subject since most of us have experienced it in some form or another..and therefore asked. That is all. Nothing nefarious, no hidden agendas. Just something I was thinking about.

Thanks boedicca. I am doing well so far on the estrogen blocker treatment. I declined chemo. If it does not come back in 5 years, I will know the mastectomy got all of it and no cells are still floating around.

which is why my first question was ....

i have so many thoughts on this gracie i cant even begin.....

A lot of what you are asking is ....who you are getting that support from and what exactly the situation is where "something is expected back in return".

you are not clear as to the "who" we are talking about and in what situation. Nor to you really specify what the "payment is" The answer to your question will differ depending on that.

and again.... your post above is not specific enough to give any kind of real answer...... so answers must be given in general terms.

I just hesitate to say too much, is all. In general, let's say. Just in general. And payment, I mean as in some form of payment for the support given and therefore you owe someone...in general. And they don't let you forget it. In general.

 

[syrenn]

What do you mean by support?

For that matter, to whom is this support being given, The American Cancer Society, or an individual?


If someone needs a hug, I've a steady supply with no strings attached. *hug*

ACS is set up TO be there to give out all the emotional support anyone needs.... its their job so to speak. And as such, of course would not "expect" anything in return.

Its gets a bit tricky when that emotional support is not from someone who is paid to give said emotional support...as the ACS is.

Some people are just emotional vampires... so needy they can suck the life out of you. No matter what you do, its not enough. No matter what you do or say, its wrong. But they still want you there for every outburst, every thought, every passing moment. Most of us, once trapped into something like, that feel guilty trying to pry the vampire off. They are a one way street black hole.....of ME ME ME ME.....

I had several people like that attached to me once. It was pretty ugly prying them off. I got off the one way emotional street flowing out supporting them. It really had nothing to do with wanting something back in return.... as it did with, i was not going to be someone they could abuse and expect me to understand and take every angry outburst....of what THEY needed ....

well maybe i did expect something...... i expected them to understand that they could not lash out in their frustrations trying to feel better....and not have the world just pat them on the head and say its was alright for them to behave badly.

and then of course they are hurt and cant understand why you said they were behaving badly.

I am learning much from the reading.

I suppose that I must not judge other by their actions when I only judge myself by my intentions.

My son is Scrooge Reborn with his money, EXCEPT when he is on the street: every one asking gets something. I asked him "why all", and he said, "God knows them all and He will sort it out."

something to think about..... giving money to strangers carries no emotional ties, but the feel good return for themselves.