Colonoscopy Journal

Discussion in 'Healthcare/Insurance/Govt Healthcare' started by PoliticalChic, Nov 22, 2010.

  1. PoliticalChic
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    PoliticalChic Diamond Member

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    Dave Barry is a funny guy...but this could be the funniest thing I have ever read.

    Here is part...read the whole thing.


    "Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ''a loose watery bowel movement may result.'' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ''What if I spurt on Andy?'' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house."



    Read more: Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours - Dave Barry - MiamiHerald.com


    Anyway, over 50, colonoscopy is probably a pretty good idea...
     
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  2. Mr.Fitnah
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    Mr.Fitnah Dreamcrusher

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    I had mine. Dont remember a thing,
    The flowers I got the next day were a nice touch.
     
  3. Common Sense
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    Common Sense BANNED

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    only slight mistake. a liter = .2641 gals (not 32)
     
  4. rightwinger
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    rightwinger Paid Messageboard Poster Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    Thanks for the thread PC....getting it done next week

    Gives me something to look forward to
     
  5. PoliticalChic
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    PoliticalChic Diamond Member

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    Oh...every time I read it, I have tears running down my cheeks...

    Hope yours is as much fun as this Journal, Wingy.
     
  6. MaggieMae
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    MaggieMae Reality bits

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    Dave Barry is one of my all-time favorites. I had no idea he was even ill. I hope he and Christopher Hitchens are in contact, because Hitchens is also finding amusement in the face of cancer treatment.

    Oops, I was assuming he had colon cancer (his brother has it) and that Dave was being purged in preparation for an ostomy bag. Ugh. I think it was also Dave Barry who gave a hilarious description of a hemorrhoidectomy a long time ago, and his first bowel movement thereafter.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2010
  7. saveliberty
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    saveliberty Diamond Member

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    One of these days they will make you drink some chanel no.5 too. Personally I think the doc whould assume some risk in the procedure. Maybe they would order less of them, if the crap hit medical personnel more often.
     
  8. PoliticalChic
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    PoliticalChic Diamond Member

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    I think he was kidding about the conversion...

    You know, hyperbolic for humorous effect....
     
  9. Rozman
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    Rozman Gold Member Supporting Member

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    One of the perks I enjoy afterward is because they need to pump a little air up there during the procedure and then because you are all cleared out you get to play the part of a Tuba without any of the consequences.....
    It's really fun.....
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2010
  10. Toro
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    Toro Diamond Member

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    I had one done in my mid-30s. The actual procedure was fine, since they dope you up on morphine. But the day before was hell. After not eating for 40 hours, I told the nurse before I went in I was in no mental condition to sign any contract.
     

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