Christmas Party Guidelines

Discussion in 'Politics' started by red states rule, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. red states rule
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    red states rule Senior Member

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    Say folks, Christmas is coming; time for office parties -- and the Drive-By Media celebrations this year are going to be humdingers!

    Now, instead of hanging mistletoe at the CNN party, employees will kiss beneath the huge plasma TVs showing videos of American troops being shot by snipers in Iraq. At the New York Times, instead of hanging stockings, they're going to hang Christmas burkhas embroidered with reporters' names and filled with classified national security secrets.

    Reuters going to hand out Photoshop upgrades, with enhanced doctoring capability, so their insurgent stringer photographers can produce better fake war pictures.

    The staff at NBC gets a special treat: gift packs of embryos to use for personal stem-cell research. ABC is giving each employee his or her own waterboard. CBS, sadly, canceled their party after they saw the latest ratings for CBS Evening News -- they can't afford it.

    Among this year's hottest gifts for Drive-By Media types are gold bullion "thank you" payoffs -- uh, paperweights -- from Nancy Pelosi and Dingy Harry. Two charm bracelets are in demand, too. One has little gold scissors and tennis shoes -- it's the "cut-and-run" bracelet. The other is the WWOD bracelet: What Would Obama Do?

    But the really big Drive-By Media parties this year will have three special guests in costume. No, not the Three Wise Men. Algore will show up dressed as a Christmas tree; Hillary, as the icicles; and Bill Clinton will be Santa -- so all the female reporters can sit on his lap and get their "jollies."

    http://www.rushlimbaugh.com/ home...ate.member.html
     
  2. fuzzykitten99
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    fuzzykitten99 Senior Member

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    made me giggle!


    dang.
     
  3. 90K
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    Wow so that is what happens at Christmas parties, I mean holiday parties; I don't go so I'm not missing nothing!:bye1:
     
  4. red states rule
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    red states rule Senior Member

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    You are invited to Jilly's, BullyPulpit's, and Flaja's party. But you must abide by the following guidelines...................



    Politically-Correct Christmas Holiday Parties

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 1

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!

    Merry Christmas to you and your family.
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 2

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 3

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift.

    NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 7

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

    Did I miss anything?
    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 8

    So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    RE: Holiday Party
    DATE: December 9

    People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan" there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

    Could we lighten up? Please????????? Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home.

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
    RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
    DATE: December 10

    I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@ do I care... I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET!!!!!!!!!!!! You change your address now and you are dead!!!!!!!!!!!! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse!!!!!!!!!!!

    Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

    I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me!!!!!!!!!!!

    The ßitch from HËLL!!!!!!!!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!

    http://wilk4.com/humor/humorm184.htm
     
  5. 90K
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    ^^^^^^^^^out of all the memos the one I clearly could understand was the next to last one. I guess since it had such honest and true feeling of the season and the personal touch to everyone. I would like to be invited to that party and it is good to see that somethings like being politically correct are loosened up in the Holiday season.:bow3:
    And basically the holiday party being canx! Is pure brillance! I mean full pay vise a bunch of inner office crap is so much more appreciated and really who gives a damn about co-workers when most everyone has better places to be anyways!!!
     
  6. red states rule
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    red states rule Senior Member

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    The Liberal Night Before Christmas

    ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the land,

    Not a creature was celebrating, just as the liberals had planned.

    The war had been waged with consummate glee,

    And they had finally vanquished the foul bourgeoisie.

    They were now out of power, but oh those libs had a vision-

    A secular state guised as multiculturalism.

    And they knew that in order to accomplish this heist,

    First and foremost they must get rid of Christ!

    The first line of attack had been at the greeting,

    Now no one could say it except at a prayer meeting.

    “Down with this imperial “Merry Christmas” phrase!

    From now on, be PC- Say “Happy Holidays.”

    Next they had set their sights on the tree,

    Striking the “Christmas” from it by liberal decree.

    “They’re Wishing Trees now, and if you disagree,

    You’re prob’ly a hick from red state Tennessee.”

    All this they carried out with the help of the press,

    Naïve college freshmen and celebrity noblesse.

    But there was only so much they could accomplish by squawking.

    Too many were not buying all that they were hawking.

    It was time to implement the next step in their coup d’etat.

    “We must file suit,” they said, “and make it the law.

    In our pledge, on our money, we think it’s unjust!

    God’s too democratic- in judges we trust!”

    "Now Moore! Now, Newdow! Now, Reid and Pelosi!

    On, Boxer! On, Franken!, Johns Edwards and Kerry!

    To the top of the bench! To the top of The Hill!

    Now dash away! Dash away! Go impose our will!"

    So they dashed to the courts, and they made it obscene,

    To be caught wearing anything made of red or of green,

    To have sugar plums or fig pudding on the cuisine,

    Or to think of setting up a Nativity scene.

    Finally the conservatives were set all agog,

    Could this mean the end of elves and eggnog?

    No carols? No candy canes? they thought with dismay.

    Was the only tinsel to be found in L.A.?

    No harking the herald, no decking the halls.

    No cheesy Christmas concerts or frantic shopping at malls.

    No late night visits from St. Nicholas.

    No mistletoe under which to stand and be kissed.

    Away went the manger, no jingle bell did rock.

    Tiny Tim and The Grinch now as distasteful as Halliburton stock.

    Gone were frankincense, myrrh, and Joy to the World.

    Two thousand years of tradition had now been unfurled.

    And if from the street they could see stockings,

    Then you could be sure that the libs would come knocking.

    “If from private celebrating you cannot refrain,

    Then by Souter we shall invoke imminent domain!”

    So Christmas Eve had come with nary one string of lights,

    (Even putting a damper on all eight Hanukkah nights).

    The activists were left to ponder the next crusade to embark upon.

    Should it be Easter next time? Rosh Hashanah? Ramadan?

    When what to their wondering eyes did appear,

    Not any size sleigh or a single reindeer.

    Not Santa Claus or Frosty the Snowman,

    But the lights of church, and the inside was glowing.

    People were laughing and holding hands,

    Catching up with neighbors and family and friends.

    Singing of how their lives were restored,

    Proclaiming loudly, “Happy Birthday, dear Lord!”

    The liberals were furious. How could this be?

    They’d done away with the greeting, done away with the tree.

    No halls had been decked- They’d passed resolutions!

    How could it not have been the solution?

    On his way out of the church they stopped an old man,

    Asked desperately what had gone wrong with their plan.

    He led them aside and pointed into the sky,

    Placed a hand on their shoulder and said kindly “That’s why.”

    “You cannot control what you don’t understand.

    You can’t wipe away faith with the wave of your hand.

    You can take away the trees and the elves and the bells,

    The colors, the lights, but none of that tells

    “The story of Christmas, and you knew all along,

    the trappings and presents aren’t what make us strong.

    It’s hope, and it’s love, and it’s prayers we have prayed,

    And that’s what has for so long made you afraid.

    “Maybe our faith fails analytical review,

    But we love God, one another… We even love you.”

    He walked away several steps, then turned, eyebrows raised.

    “Oh, and one more thing… Happy Holidays.”

    http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/bloggers/1533916/posts?page=11
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
  7. Bonnie
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    Bonnie Senior Member

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    :D
     
  8. Bonnie
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    Bonnie Senior Member

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    That's funny and scary all rolled into one..
     
  9. red states rule
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    red states rule Senior Member

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    Let's not forget Keith. He is always ready to lie and smear people who dare to disagree with him

    Since so few people watch his show, allow me to share with you his latest rant


    Olbermann Mocks O'Reilly 'War Against Hanukkah' While O'Reilly Defends Hanukkah

    Posted by Brad Wilmouth on December 11, 2006 - 23:09.

    On Monday's Countdown, while reporting on the controversial decision of the Seattle-Tacoma Airport to remove its Christmas trees from public view rather than display a Menorah, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann mocked FNC host Bill O'Reilly by jokingly suggesting that O'Reilly supports a "war against Hanukkah." Olbermann, who since last year has mocked O'Reilly and other FNC hosts as "fat heads" for their concerns about a "War on Christmas" by secularists, jokingly commented, referring to Bill O'Reilly disparagingly as "Billow": "Generalissimo O'Reilly remains upbeat. Look not on this as a defeat in the war on Christmas. This was a dramatic victory in Billow's new war against Hanukkah." Ironically, less than 20 minutes earlier on The O'Reilly Factor, host O'Reilly had spoken approvingly of displaying a Menorah at the airport as he interviewed the rabbi who had requested it. The FNC host was quite sympathetic to the rabbi's viewpoint as he lambasted the airport's decision not to allow a Menorah display. O'Reilly: "There is no reason not to put up a Menorah in the Sea-Tac Airport because Hanukkah is a celebrated holiday, and, you know, Americans of Jewish faith would like to see it, and it's in context, so put it up." (Transcripts follow)

    Below is a complete transcript of Olbermann's comments from the December 11 Countdown, which ran at 8:29 p.m., followed by some of O'Reilly's comments from the December 11 The O'Reilly Factor, which ran shortly past 8:10 p.m.:

    Keith Olbermann: "To the liberal Northwest, Seattle, Washington, where a mighty blow has been struck against the good guys in the war on Christmas. Nine 15-foot Christmas trees being dismantled at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, SeaTac, after a local rabbi came in and asked for a big Menorah to be put on display as well. Airport officials, rather than surrendering and recognizing the Jewish holiday, opted to take down the Christmas trees. No Hanukkah, no Christmas, no nothing. It's a scorched Earth policy at SeaTac. Generalissimo O'Reilly remains upbeat. Look not on this as a defeat in the war on Christmas. This was a dramatic victory in Billow's new war against Hanukkah."

    From the December 11 The O'Reilly Factor:

    Bill O'Reilly: "Instead of putting up a Menorah, which any sane person would have done, the Sea-Tac Airport people took down the trees."
    ...

    O'Reilly: "This is so stupid. All right, so all you wanted, you didn't want 14 Menorahs, you just wanted a Menorah or two, correct?"

    Rabbi Elazar Bogomilsky: "We wanted actually one Menorah display amongst, you know, wherever they felt the right place to put it in the airport."

    O'Reilly: "Sure. Why not? It's Hanukkah, a Menorah, why not? So these pinheads at Sea-Tac-"

    Bogomilsky: "It's more than 'why not.' You have to understand there's over 6,000 Menorah displays throughout the world-"

    O'Reilly: "But that's what I'm saying. I'm saying why, there is no reason not to put up a Menorah in the Sea-Tac Airport because Hanukkah is a celebrated holiday, and, you know, Americans of Jewish faith would like to see it, and it's in context, so put it up."

    http://www.usmessageboard.com/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=514390
     
  10. 90K
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    I say if Christmas is such a bad deal. Then remove it from our calendars and work that day and move on with life! See that will never happen because they or them like free time off it is something to whine about as if they or them don't get enough attention anyways! Screw'em and get over it. I'm having Christmas and I won't go to any stinking Polically Correct Party just to save face and play brown noser.
     

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