Chili Contest

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Missourian, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. Missourian
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    Missourian Gold Member

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    Frank:
    "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
    cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
    happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
    directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
    assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank from New Jersy is Judge #3)


    Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You
    could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
    the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
    Texans are crazy.



    Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
    when they saw the look on my face.


    Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
    like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
    Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
    my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap- faced
    from all of the beer...


    Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili..
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
    to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting
    to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?



    Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
    adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
    and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
    behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
    I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



    Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
    sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and
    that damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my
    butt with a snow cone.


    Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
    worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
    he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance
    that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out
    so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy,
    they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too
    painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
    I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


    Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
    bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
    passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
    on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
    wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
    Judge #3 -- (no report)
     
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1
  2. Sunni Man
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    Sunni Man Diamond Member

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    "Real" Texas chili has NO beans!!!
     
  3. pegwinn
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    pegwinn Top of the Food Chain

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    Real Texas Chili has whatever we want in it at the moment. I was inspired once to make a fajita brisket chili (with and without beans) that was merely warm on the sweat on the upper lip scale.

    My son in law praised his wife for having me as a dad. My grand daughter laughed that her Daddy was making funny faces. And all was well. Homebrewed beer goes will with chili.
     
  4. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    I make an excellent Chili.

    Never make it the same way twice, of course, but they're all pretty damned good.

    Chili without beans has another name...it's called stew.
     
  5. Sunni Man
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    Sunni Man Diamond Member

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    "If You Know Beans About Chili,
    You Know That Chili Has No Beans"

    by Ken Finlay, singer, songwriter,
    and owner of Cheatham Street Warehouse
    (a music hall in San Marcos,Texas), written in 1976.

    "You burn some mesquite
    And when the coals get hot
    You bunk up some meat
    And you throw it on a pot.
    While some chile pods and garlic
    And comino and stuff
    Then you add a little salt
    Till there's just enough
    You can throw in some onions
    To make it smell good
    You can even add tomatoes
    If you feel like you should
    But if you know beans about chili
    You know that chili has no beans"

    "If you know beans about chili
    You know it didn't come from Mexico
    Chili was God's gift to Texas
    (Or maybe it came from down below)
    And chili doesn't go with macaroni
    And dammed Yankee's don't go with chili queens;
    And if you know beans about chili
    You know that chili has no beans"
     
  6. Grismonda
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    Grismonda BANNED

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    My non-award winning chili
    Only because I've never submitted it anywhere.

    But it's really good, and the perfect dish for a winter's dinner along with some crusty bread, a nice salad and a beer or two.

    THREE PEPPER CHILI

    3 tb olive oil
    1/2 tsp red chili oil
    1 lb ground beef, or beef-pork, or beef-pork-veal combo, as you prefer. It doesn't make much difference to the taste or texture of the dish.
    1 large strong yellow onion sliced very thin or finely diced. (The onion will disappear into the chili, leaving only the taste)
    2 cans Campbell's beef broth (trust me)
    1/2 cup dried beans of your choice, pink, red, kidney, navy or white
    1 8oz. can crushed tomatoes
    1 small can tomato paste
    1 slice bacon
    3 Tb chili powder
    1/4 to 1/2 tsp. each of ground white pepper, ground black pepper, ground hot red pepper (cayenne), garlic powder, coriander, cumin, paprika. (mix these together with the chili powder)

    Put beans in boiling water in a large pot and boil for two minutes. Turn off heat and cover. Let soak for one hour. Beans will now be ready to cook.

    Drain beans and cook them slowly in fresh water until done, about one hour.

    While beans are cooking, put bacon in a large kettle and fry on high heat until all the faat has been rendered out. Remove and reserve bacon slice. To the bacon fat in the pan, add the olive oil and chili oil and heat until oil is hot. Reduce heat to medium and add onion.

    Cook until onion is slightly wilted. Add ground meat, and cook until no trace of red remains in the meat. Break up meat with a wooden spoon for easier cooking.

    When meat is done, add chili powder mixture and stir thoroughly.

    Add tomato sauce and stir.

    Add tomato paste and stir.

    Add cooked beans to the kettle. Stir.

    Add beef broth, as much as needed to cover the ingredients. You may thin the broth with water if you like, but I don't.

    Raise heat until mixture comes to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for at least an hour, until all flavors have blended. If mixture is not thick enough, continue simmering and/or add one teaspoon arrowroot dissolved in one teaspoon of cold water to the chili, and stir until desired thickness is reached. Crumble in the bacon slice, and stir.

    No need to salt, as the broth contains plenty.

    Top with diced raw red onion, and/or cheese, or whatever you like on top of chili, if anything. I prefer chopped onions.

    The three peppers make this a wonderful dish because they kick in at different times, so you take a bite of chili and get the mild taste of the white pepper, followed by a stronger taste of black, followed by the blast of cayenne.

    Try it, and let me know how you like it.

    OPTIONAL: I sometimes like to add a head of fresh garlic, separated into peeled cloves, to the chili. In the cooking process they lose their strong taste and become a taste and textural treat in a bowl of chili.

    If you like a mild chili, just omit the three peppers and hot chili oil, or only add a little of each, according to your taste.
     
  7. DC1776GOP
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    DC1776GOP Rookie

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    Our office had a chili cook-off to celebrate Halloween. NO LIE. Nothing is better than spending several hours in a cube farm after all your co-workers have eaten chili....
     
  8. Missourian
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    Missourian Gold Member

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    I was searching for an old post and this popped up...it still makes me LOL :lol:.
     
  9. Grace
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    Grace BANNED

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    Me too. I have seen that joke before, but just like the first time I read it, I still bust a gut over poor frank and his dilemma.:clap2:
     

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