Bootneck's Diary

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Bootneck, Jun 6, 2009.

  1. Bootneck

    Bootneck Diamond Member

    Aug 6, 2008
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    Thursday 4th June.

    Thought I was in trouble with the CO when I got called to his office. Was OK though. He only said, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning!" To which I replied, "Oh, thank you very much sir!"

    Had to discipline Fletcher, one of the new recruits, for insubordination to a visiting RAF officer. He failed to salute the officer when he drove past him at the main gate. Officer stops and says to Fletcher: "Don't you salute RAF officers in the Royal Marines" to which Fletcher replies "we don't have any RAF officers in the Royal Marines."
    Jeez! Newbies. Who needs ‘em.

    Went to the pub this evening. What a mad place. Asked the landlord for a rum and coke. He puts a fucking apple on the counter. “Sorry. I said I wanted a rum and coke.” “Just try the apple,” he says. So I bit into the apple. “Bloody hell,” I said. “This tastes like rum.” The landlord told me to turn it round and bite again. “Wow. This bit tastes like coke!” “Yep,” he said. “I’ve got an apple that tastes of anything you can dream of.
    A short while later my mate Dave came in and I told him that the landlord has an apple for whichever taste you want. So Dave said, “Well I’m still not getting it at home so I’d like an apple that tastes like a vagina. The landlord puts the apple on the counter and Dave bites into it.
    “Urggh!” Dave shouts. “This tastes like SHIT!!!”
    “Turn it around.” Says the landlord.

    Friday 5th June

    Received sad news this morning. Corporal Robinson, one of our best snipers, famous for his slogan, ‘shoot ‘em right between the eyes!’ – was killed in Afghanistan on night patrol yesterday by two one-eyed Taliban walking arm in arm. Just shows you doesn’t it. Never trust the obvious.

    Had to go to the base fang farrier this morning. Good dentist, but a bit weird. Off duty he rides a motorcycle and always wears a black leather jacket. We call him the Leader of the Plaque.

    Yippeee! It’s POETS day. 1530 finish. The weekend starts here!

    Saturday 6th June

    Lousy day. Pissing with rain.

    Went into town this morning to do some shopping. Got caught short. Needed a dump so had to pay a visit to the public toilet. It had two cubicles. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."
    After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?" Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"
    The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dickhead in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
    Talk about embarrassed! Fortunately I was able to complete my mission toute suite and was out of there before he could fart.

    Bad day for some. Our local police station got burgled last night. Thieves stole all WC pedestals from the lavatories. Police are saying they have nothing to go on at the moment.

    Not far from here, a cement truck collided with a prison van. We’ve been told to be on the lookout for six hardened criminals.

    Oh, and out in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint. Both crews are believed to have been marooned.
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  2. Gunny

    Gunny Gold Member

    Dec 27, 2004
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    The Republic of Texas

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