Since you tolerated my male chauvinist pig jokes, I'll reciprocate. Enjoy. Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut. Men are like.....Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. Men are like.....Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. Men are like...... Diapers. They're always on your ass and usually full of shit. Q: What is a man doing when he pours beer on his hand? A: Getting his date drunk. Possible Seminar Topics for Men: SEMINARS FOR MEN: 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Can Do Housework Too 3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray 5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY. 6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks") 8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception. 9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong 10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook. 11. Spelling - Even you can get it right 12. You - The Weaker Sex 13. 1001 Reasons to give Flowers 14. How to stay awake after sex 15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the toilet 16. Garbage - Getting it to the Curb. 17. The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower 18. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please 19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet") 20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S. 21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous 22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency 24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex 25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes 26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works 27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home 30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary 31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary 32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A. Because those men already have boyfriends. Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman wants to have children, a 40 year-old man wants to date them. Q. What did God say after he created man? A. "I can do better than this." Q. How do you get a man to do situps? A. Put the remote between his toes. Guy Rules 1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers. 2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth 4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her. 6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes 7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.) 9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free. 12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'. 14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. 15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan. 16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius? 18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary. 20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either. Why Dogs Are Better Than Men Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs look at your eyes. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. Dogs understand what "no" means. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. Dogs are nice to your relatives. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. You can train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. Buying Gifts for Men Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems. Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.") Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.