2004 New Employee Rules & Regulations

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Sandy73, Mar 9, 2004.

  1. Sandy73
    Online

    Sandy73 Guest

    Ratings:
    +0
    Dress Code
    > > >It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
    > > >salary.
    > > >If we see you wearing ?350 Prada shoes and carrying a ?600 Gucci bag,
    we
    > > >assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need
    > > >a raise.
    > > >If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
    > > >so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
    > > >raise.
    > > >If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
    > > >therefore you do not need a raise.
    > > >
    > > >Sick Days
    > > >We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
    > > >If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
    > > >
    > > >Personal Days
    > > >Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
    > > >called Saturday & Sunday.
    > > >
    > > >Bereavement Leave
    > > >This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
    > > >dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to
    > > >have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
    > > >employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
    > > >in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
    > > >your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
    > > >
    > > >Toilet Use
    > > >Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
    > > >strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
    > >minutes,
    > > >an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
    > > >door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence,
    > > >your
    > > >picture
    > > >will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
    > > >Offenders category".
    > > >
    > > >Lunch Break
    > > >Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so
    > > >that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for
    lunch
    > > >to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people
    > > >get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
    > > >drink a Slim-Fast.
    > > >
    > > >
    > > >
    > > >Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    > > >positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
    > > >comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations,
    > > >aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
    > > >contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
    > > >
    > > >The Management
     

Share This Page