Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
- 7,706
- 8,160
- 2,138
- Banned
- #1
I was driving down SR 86 in my pickup truck. I had just dropped off a load of shine to my buyer, Willie “One-Toe” O’Shagginey. I was heading home just after midnight, a fresh wad of cash in my pocket, CCR blasting out of my speakers, and working my way through a six pack. This is where I saw him.
My headlights hit a man ahead walking toward me right down the middle of the road. He was wearing a blue button-up shirt that was unbuttoned, and one shoe. He was wearing no pants and no underwear. I slowed down, figuring someone’s granddad with dementia must have got out of the house.
“Hey there, fella! You need some help?” Nothing he just kept walking past me. I considered driving on and forgetting about this fucker. But I couldn’t; I had to help the poor guy.
I put my truck in reverse and backed up to the guy. “Hey! Can I do anything to help you?” This time the old man stopped and looked at me. “Beau? Is that you, Beau?”, he asked. I told him I was not the fella he thought I was.
Then it hit me. This crazy old coot is Joe Biden!! Holy shit!! I jumped out of my truck and said “Mr. President. We need to get you somewhere safe!! Come on, let’s get you in my truck!” He yelled at me, “Get your hands off me, you damned dog faced pony soldier!! I can get in the truck myself!” He did, in fact, get into the passenger side of my truck, then we drove off.
Biden began telling me about HIS truck. He droned on for a while, then he started telling me about being a big rig truck driver. He said that one time he and someone called “Bandit” hauled a truckload of bootleg Coors from Texas to Atlanta, just because they said it could not be done. I turned up the stereo volume in my truck.
I figured I would drop the president off at the Sheriff’s Department over in Scumbag Falls. Surely they can figure out what to do with him. I wanted to take Biden to his Secret Service detail, but he just wouldn’t shut up long enough for me to get a word in.
After a very short pause, Biden got fired up again. “Back in 1972, see, I was drafted into the U.S. Special Forces, true story! They sent me into Saigon to defend it from the Nazis. Guess what? We won the war (whispered). True story.”
All of a sudden a loud and wet fart exploded in the seat next to me. It smelled disgusting and was clearly muddy. Biden was on to a story about how he attracted the Alien Space Force to a mountain of mash potatoes he made, then killed them all and saved the world. Apparently, they were Nazis. “True story”, he kept repeating.”
Well, after he pooped I stopped the truck. I turned to the president and said, “Hey, President Biden? Do you like ice cream? Because if you stand right over there by the edge of that deep and treacherous looking ravine, an ice cream truck will be by in 10 minutes that sells THE BEST ice cream!!”
Biden’s mouth was hanging wide open. I gave him 5 dollars and told him to stand there and wait, which he did. After he was out of my truck I leaned across my front seat and closed the passenger door, the sped off into the night. Unfortunately I got Biden’s chunky poop all over my right side. It smelled like Ensure.
I stopped in the next town over and cleaned the shit out of my truck. My ribs were aching mercilessly due to all the violent puking, then dry heaving, I had been doing. It was then that I found a curious looking business card on the floor. I figure that Biden dropped it. It said “Bank of Kiev”. In small print it said, “We offer services for all your money laundering and bribery needs”.
“Dirty motherfucker”, I said.
My headlights hit a man ahead walking toward me right down the middle of the road. He was wearing a blue button-up shirt that was unbuttoned, and one shoe. He was wearing no pants and no underwear. I slowed down, figuring someone’s granddad with dementia must have got out of the house.
“Hey there, fella! You need some help?” Nothing he just kept walking past me. I considered driving on and forgetting about this fucker. But I couldn’t; I had to help the poor guy.
I put my truck in reverse and backed up to the guy. “Hey! Can I do anything to help you?” This time the old man stopped and looked at me. “Beau? Is that you, Beau?”, he asked. I told him I was not the fella he thought I was.
Then it hit me. This crazy old coot is Joe Biden!! Holy shit!! I jumped out of my truck and said “Mr. President. We need to get you somewhere safe!! Come on, let’s get you in my truck!” He yelled at me, “Get your hands off me, you damned dog faced pony soldier!! I can get in the truck myself!” He did, in fact, get into the passenger side of my truck, then we drove off.
Biden began telling me about HIS truck. He droned on for a while, then he started telling me about being a big rig truck driver. He said that one time he and someone called “Bandit” hauled a truckload of bootleg Coors from Texas to Atlanta, just because they said it could not be done. I turned up the stereo volume in my truck.
I figured I would drop the president off at the Sheriff’s Department over in Scumbag Falls. Surely they can figure out what to do with him. I wanted to take Biden to his Secret Service detail, but he just wouldn’t shut up long enough for me to get a word in.
After a very short pause, Biden got fired up again. “Back in 1972, see, I was drafted into the U.S. Special Forces, true story! They sent me into Saigon to defend it from the Nazis. Guess what? We won the war (whispered). True story.”
All of a sudden a loud and wet fart exploded in the seat next to me. It smelled disgusting and was clearly muddy. Biden was on to a story about how he attracted the Alien Space Force to a mountain of mash potatoes he made, then killed them all and saved the world. Apparently, they were Nazis. “True story”, he kept repeating.”
Well, after he pooped I stopped the truck. I turned to the president and said, “Hey, President Biden? Do you like ice cream? Because if you stand right over there by the edge of that deep and treacherous looking ravine, an ice cream truck will be by in 10 minutes that sells THE BEST ice cream!!”
Biden’s mouth was hanging wide open. I gave him 5 dollars and told him to stand there and wait, which he did. After he was out of my truck I leaned across my front seat and closed the passenger door, the sped off into the night. Unfortunately I got Biden’s chunky poop all over my right side. It smelled like Ensure.
I stopped in the next town over and cleaned the shit out of my truck. My ribs were aching mercilessly due to all the violent puking, then dry heaving, I had been doing. It was then that I found a curious looking business card on the floor. I figure that Biden dropped it. It said “Bank of Kiev”. In small print it said, “We offer services for all your money laundering and bribery needs”.
“Dirty motherfucker”, I said.
