Captain Creeper
Diamond Member
- Oct 13, 2025
- 2,317
- 2,732
- 1,903
After reading all the media stories, and seeing all the whack-job posts on this board, about Epstein (e.g., who was screwing who, endless conspiracy twists, coverups, etc ... ), I decided to get to the bottom of this shit, once and for all. I decided to hold a séance and summon the ghost of Epstein!
Few people know that I am a certified ghost summoner. I actually hold a Masters degree in spook-wrangling from the University of Phoenix. I tell only a few people about my extraordinary powers, as I know the demand for my services would be ridiculous if word got out. Anyway, I summoned my crew and we got cracking!
I will not bore you with the details of all the sordid displays and spooky sorcery that went on to make this happen. Let me just say that I had to put my dogs in the backyard and put place plastic down on my living room floor and over all my furniture.
When it happened, "POOF!!!", the ghost of Epstein appeared right there in my living room. The son of a ***** was sitting in my La-Z-Boy!! I thought, "Shit!! Now I am going to have to throw out my chair and buy another one!!", which is exactly what I did. In ghost form, Epstein appeared 100 years older than when he died. He was all hunched over, had a long, hooked Jew-nose, horns protruding from his head from around his yarmulke, a long white beard that made him look like an elderly rabbi, and gold chains running through the ample hair on his chest.
I walked up to the apparition and asked, "Epstein, is that you?!?" He looked up to my face, and with a pained look he replied, "Oye vey! Time has not been very good to you either, Hillary, has it?" This really pissed me off ... him confusing me with Clinton ... and HILLARY at that! I had a hand-held Dyson power vac unit in my hand, which I always have handy at these little summonings in case some of this rectile plasm gets out of hand and I need to dispose of it righteously. I turned it on and held it to Epstein's head, about to suck him up because of what he said, when suddenly he raised his arms and started pleading with me to stop. I lowered the vacuum, wanting to get to the truth of the Epstein files. I began my interrogation of the horny spook.
As we spoke, a huge ghost wang began to grow from Epstein's groin area. He was smiling too, like he wanted me to notice it. I rolled my eyes and demanded, "PUT THAT THING AWAY, ASSHOLE!!!!!" He grimaced but did as I commanded. After hours of questioning, I learned quite a bit. When I was done, and had all the info I dared to get, I vacuumed up Epstein's ghost. Then I executed a big, wet fart and vacuumed it up to share the space with Epstein. I could hear the specter screaming from inside the machine. Ha ha ha ha!!! Now to my notes.
This is what I learned from Epstein:
1. He was not just a member of the Mossad, he was the Eternal Mossad Commandant. He ran the entire damn Jew spy ring!! World-wide!!
2. He had dirt on every U.S. president going back to George Washington. Sure, GW was before Epstein's time, but Jewing has been around forever!
3. Jizzlain Maxwell is a man!
4. Epstein did, in fact, commit suicide. But he did it to manufacture dirt on those who would want him dead. Get it? It was the ultimate Nebraska-Reach-Around move!
5. Both Bill Clinton and the former Prince known as Andrew diddled underaged girls frequently by the infernal hand of Epstein. Epstein filmed it all and used it to blackmail them both.
6. Epstein grew frustrated with Trump, as he was never able to get him in a compromising position. Epstein's ghost said to me, "Dude, I could not lure him with any young strange cuz Big Don always had the hottest chicks. That gargantuan orange cock of his is a golden ticket into the world of top-shelf Punanny! He was ******* set!" He sounded like a Jewish insurance saleman when he was telling me this, and whiny with a very weak and nasal voice.
7. Though Epstein was a pedo pimping creep, he was also prudent and frugal. He even preferred to use a condom 3-4 times before discarding and opening up another one.
8. Epstein had a pact with the devil whereby his dick grew a centimeter for every soul he destroys with underage boom-boom.
9. Hillary Clinton has a penis.
10. Jews lie at the heart of everything bad and evil in the world.
Few people know that I am a certified ghost summoner. I actually hold a Masters degree in spook-wrangling from the University of Phoenix. I tell only a few people about my extraordinary powers, as I know the demand for my services would be ridiculous if word got out. Anyway, I summoned my crew and we got cracking!
I will not bore you with the details of all the sordid displays and spooky sorcery that went on to make this happen. Let me just say that I had to put my dogs in the backyard and put place plastic down on my living room floor and over all my furniture.
When it happened, "POOF!!!", the ghost of Epstein appeared right there in my living room. The son of a ***** was sitting in my La-Z-Boy!! I thought, "Shit!! Now I am going to have to throw out my chair and buy another one!!", which is exactly what I did. In ghost form, Epstein appeared 100 years older than when he died. He was all hunched over, had a long, hooked Jew-nose, horns protruding from his head from around his yarmulke, a long white beard that made him look like an elderly rabbi, and gold chains running through the ample hair on his chest.
I walked up to the apparition and asked, "Epstein, is that you?!?" He looked up to my face, and with a pained look he replied, "Oye vey! Time has not been very good to you either, Hillary, has it?" This really pissed me off ... him confusing me with Clinton ... and HILLARY at that! I had a hand-held Dyson power vac unit in my hand, which I always have handy at these little summonings in case some of this rectile plasm gets out of hand and I need to dispose of it righteously. I turned it on and held it to Epstein's head, about to suck him up because of what he said, when suddenly he raised his arms and started pleading with me to stop. I lowered the vacuum, wanting to get to the truth of the Epstein files. I began my interrogation of the horny spook.
As we spoke, a huge ghost wang began to grow from Epstein's groin area. He was smiling too, like he wanted me to notice it. I rolled my eyes and demanded, "PUT THAT THING AWAY, ASSHOLE!!!!!" He grimaced but did as I commanded. After hours of questioning, I learned quite a bit. When I was done, and had all the info I dared to get, I vacuumed up Epstein's ghost. Then I executed a big, wet fart and vacuumed it up to share the space with Epstein. I could hear the specter screaming from inside the machine. Ha ha ha ha!!! Now to my notes.
This is what I learned from Epstein:
1. He was not just a member of the Mossad, he was the Eternal Mossad Commandant. He ran the entire damn Jew spy ring!! World-wide!!
2. He had dirt on every U.S. president going back to George Washington. Sure, GW was before Epstein's time, but Jewing has been around forever!
3. Jizzlain Maxwell is a man!
4. Epstein did, in fact, commit suicide. But he did it to manufacture dirt on those who would want him dead. Get it? It was the ultimate Nebraska-Reach-Around move!
5. Both Bill Clinton and the former Prince known as Andrew diddled underaged girls frequently by the infernal hand of Epstein. Epstein filmed it all and used it to blackmail them both.
6. Epstein grew frustrated with Trump, as he was never able to get him in a compromising position. Epstein's ghost said to me, "Dude, I could not lure him with any young strange cuz Big Don always had the hottest chicks. That gargantuan orange cock of his is a golden ticket into the world of top-shelf Punanny! He was ******* set!" He sounded like a Jewish insurance saleman when he was telling me this, and whiny with a very weak and nasal voice.
7. Though Epstein was a pedo pimping creep, he was also prudent and frugal. He even preferred to use a condom 3-4 times before discarding and opening up another one.
8. Epstein had a pact with the devil whereby his dick grew a centimeter for every soul he destroys with underage boom-boom.
9. Hillary Clinton has a penis.
10. Jews lie at the heart of everything bad and evil in the world.
