Emergency at our Hunting Camp

[Lord Long Rod]

It was the beginning of deer season. Me and my 3 buddies were going out together on opening day down on my cousin’s property on the Yellow Itch River. My life long buddy, Big Dick, would be there. I knowd old Big Dick since high school. We used to wrassle tagether. My friend from work, Frank, is coming. We work together at the old slaughterhouse known as “Big Meat”. I’m also bringing my sister’s husband, Lou Skunt, with us. Old Lou is one of them thar big ass bouncers at the local titty bar called ‘Jack n Rod’s Place’. We wuz all high with anticipation and excitement!



First thang there we went to check all our stands. Lou was gonna hunt from a ground blind on account of him being a big old pussy about heights, whilst the rest of us were huntin’ in tree stands. Poor old Lou walked inta his ground blind to give it an old looksee while the rest of us were standing round drinkin beer and talking. Suddenly thar came a toe curling cry from Lou in the blind!! We’uns ran inside to find old Lou thar layin on the ground with a big old canebrake (that thar is a rattlin snake fer you city boys) attached to his crotch!!



Well sir, I grabbed that old rattler by the tail and tried with all my might to pull it off Lou. But the sumbitch was just stuck thar! Big Dick cried out, “Cut the fucker’s head off!!” So whilst I had ahold of the serpant’s tail, old Frank pulled out his Barlow and started sawing the sumbitch right behind its head. “Watch out fer them fangs, Frank!!”, I dun did said. Fortunately, the old critter had really took a liking to Lou’s nether regions, which made fer easy work for Frank sawin off its noggin while I held it taught by its rattly tail. Poor old Lou was layin thar on the ground jest a whimpering. “Shut the fuck up, Lou!! It’s jest a fuckin snek. You will be ok”, I told him.



So we dun got the rattler off Lou and told him it was ok to get up now. Old Lou uprighted hisself and looked at his crotch. “AHHHHHH!!!!!”,Lou shouted. “His haid it still attached to me!!!! It’s still on me!!!!!! Git if off!!!!! Git it off!!!!”, he screamed. I said, “Well hell, Lou, you knowed I loves ya like a brother. But that thar seems like kind of a private thing. You know, with it being all up in yer junk and sech.” Lou started screaming again to get it off, so I sent old Frank to my pickup truck to get a pair of needle nose pliers so we could remove it.



After about 30 minutes had past Me and Big Dick was wondering what the hell had happened to old Frank. He should have been back. Lou was still writhing around on the ground, begging us to call an ambulance, but we didn’t have no service on account of us being way out thar in the middle of nowhar. Then things started taking a turn for the worst. Old Lou started turning blue and drifting in and out of consciousness. Big Dick looked at me and said, “I think old Lou done up and got hisself a dose of that thar snake venom.” I studied on it fer a spell, then considered it some more. Finally, I said, “Yep, Big Dick. I think you is right. I damn sure hope old Frank hurries back with them thar needle nose.”



Well about that time old Frank came ambling back to the ground blind holding out the pliers to me. “Frank, where in THE HELL have you been?!?”, I asked. Frank replied that while he was looking for the pliers in my truck he ran across an issue of ‘Jugs-a-Jigglin’ I had in my truck and took a few minutes to peruse the photographs. I said, “Well, I hope you got your freak on, Frank. Cuz whilst you was out thar playin with yerself poor old Lou here dun went into cardiac duress.”



So me and old Big Dick pulled Lou outa the blind by his feet. “Goddamn!! This sumbitch’s feet stank!”, exclaimed Big Dick. He was right too. It smelled like old Lou had been rubbing fresh cat shit all over his feet then trying to wash it off with hot piss. But I digress. I immediately went to work on the snake head. “Goddamn!! That sumbitch gots its fangs dug in thar deep!!”, I exclaimed as I tried to extract it. After a lot of pulling and gruntin’, and wiggling it around, I finally managed to pull it free. Lou woke up screaming. Lou wanted me to take him to the emergency room down in Scumbag Flats. I said, “Now Lou, you gots to hang with me here buddy. That thar hospital is thutty miles away from here as the crow shits. You’ll be dead by then. We gots to suck the venom outa you, right now.” Lou just moaned. The fact is, if we take the time to take poor old Lou to the hospital to take care of his little flesh wound, that is gonna significantly cut into our drinking time before the morning when we start huntin.



Frank looked at me and asked, “So, you are gonna suck out the poison?” I slapped old Frank upside the head and said, “NO! you are, numbnuts!! If’n it weren’t fer you taking half an hour to jiggle yer weenie we could have had that damned snake off Lou and already been back to camp drinking!” Frank protested “But I ain’t never done nothing like that before! I don’t rightly knowd how to”. I explained to Frank that all you got to do is find the puncture marks from the fangs, put yer mouth over it, and start to sucking. Frank finally came around and said, “Oh, OK, I guess”.



I told Big Dick to pull Lou’s pants down. He paused, then I said, “Do you want to get back to drinking er what?!?” So he did as he was told. Once that was done I said, “Now pull his drawers down!” Again, Big Dick hesitated. Then he said, “Why don’t Frank do it, since he is the one gonna be sucking on him and such?” I took a deep breath and reached for the .357 Maggum I had hanging on my side.

The threat of imminent violence seemed to motivate both Big Dick and Frank. Once Lou’s skivvies were off, Frank got down on his knees to perform the extraction. Poor old Lou has passed out again.



As Frank was looking around on Lou’s nethers looking fer the puncture marks, I asked “Have you found ‘em yet?” Big Dick was looking too, then spoke up. “There they are!! Right thar on the end of his peter!!”, he said, pointing at Lou’s pecker. This time we all dun paused. The prospect of what was gonna have to happen next kind of shocked us all. I looked over at Big Dick. He was just standing there with a stupid look on his face and his mouth hanging open. Then I looked down at old Frank. He was staring up at me with big doe eyes that were tearing up.



This was bad. On one hand, old Frank could suck out the venom then we could drag Lou back to camp and get a few beers into him (and us) so he can recover and we can hunt tomorry. On the other hand, Frank will have to become one of them thar queer-o-sexuals. And thar ain’t no way in hell I can hang out and git drunk with no cock sucker. No sir!! Frank then sheepishly said, “I cain’t suck a dick. I will haveto git me a divorce from old Mable. My kids won’t have anything to do with me!” Yessir. This here were a real delicate predicament we wuz in.



I cyphered over it a spell, then came to a conclusion. I am a God fearing man. I don’t want to end up in hell just cuz I wouldn’t make Frank suck Lou’s dick. I looked down at old Frank, who had tears streaming down his face, and said, “Suck it, Frank. We gots to. It is the only thang we can do. May God have pity on our poor souls if’n we let this man die. So go ahead on and do it. Suck Lou’s dick. Suck it until ever last drop comes out of it.”



Old Frank was sobbing. But he dun up and did his duty on Lou. He started sucking away. After a couple minutes of slurping and slobbering on Lou’s rod, Frank raised up and said, “Thar’s sumthang happenin down here!” I asked him what was going on. Frank continued, “His ding-dong….it’s getting hard!!!”



“Damn it!!!”, I thunk to myself, then said “Rigor mortis must be settin in. Frank, quick!!!! Suck harder. SUCK HARDER!!!!” Well sir, old Frank jumped back on Lou’s tallywhacker like a trooper and started sucking on old Lou like a 10 dollar whore in a Cambodian cat house!!!


After a couple minutes more, Frank suddenly jumped up and with a gurgling sound excitedly said “I gots it!!! I got’s it!!!!”. Then he spit out a whole wad of nasty shit on the ground. My eyes grew wide as saucers. “HOT DAMN, FRANK!!! YOU DONE GOTS THE VENOM OUTA LOU’S DICK!!!!! DAMN, BOY!!!! I KNOWD YOU COULD DO IT!!!!!!” I slapped old Frank’s back, excited as a 5 year old on Christmas morn!



After we dun got dun back slapping and high fiving, we decided to drag old Lou back to camp and have a cold one. Right before we left I noticed old Big Dick looking at the ground. “Whatcha lookin at thar, Big Dick?”, I asked. He replied, “Oh, I is jest lookin at that thar snake poison. Is it supposed to be all white and bubbly like that?” I sed, “Hell, I don’t know. What do I look like, some kind of fucking witch doctor or something? Come on, let’s go drink!!”



Then Frank hit another home run. He said, “Now wait a minute here. Lou is still asleep. He probably needs him a little shut eye after all the excitement of this here afternoon. Since he is gonna hunt from this here ground blind anyway, why don’t we just put him back in it? That-a-way he is already set up first thang in the morning? Shit, I bring his old shootin iron back and put it in the blind with him after I have me a could or two.” I looked at Frank with a big old grin on my face and said, “Goddamn, Frank!! You is one smart sumbitch!!!! Let’s go boys!! Beer’s on me!!!!” So we high tailed it on back to camp and proceeded to get hammered!! Goddamnit! I loves huntin’ season!!

 

[Calypso Jones]

I don't believe i read the whole thing. I was sure at the time of decision making Frank was gonna say to Lou....'you gone die'.

 

[Lord Long Rod]

I don't believe i read the whole thing. I was sure at the time of decision making Frank was gonna say to Lou....'you gone die'.

Frank stepped up and took care of bidness.

 

[rightwinger]

Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping out on the range
In the middle of the night, Tonto hears screaming.
He runs up and sees the Lone Ranger bent over holding his crotch.
Tonto asks…..Wnat happen Kimosabe?

The Lone Ranger says…I got up to take a pee and a Rattlesnake bit me on the penis. Ride into town and ask the Doctor what to do.

So Tonto gallops into town and tells the Doctor what happened. The Doctor says …….The only way you can save him is to suck the poison out.

Tonto gallops back to camp and the Lone Ranger says
What did the Doctor say? What did the Doctor say?

Tonto replies……Doctor say you going to die