A Pleasant Little Tale or it could be Gordons Manifesto Ahmed Ranjit Oluwalu Lands at Heathrow on a jumbo jet from Foreign lands and talks his way past the immigration officer with a sorry, contrived tale of woe, misery and persecution. He's sitting in the hall wondering how he's going to get by when he feels a light tug at the leg of his pyjamas and looks down to see a tiny man with large ears and a pointy hat. "Who are you?" says Ahmed. The little man replies "I'm the immigration fairy. As the one thousandth sorry case to blag his way into the UK today, I can grant you three wishes." Ahmed can't believe his luck but ponders on his choices for a moment and says "OK, first of all I'd like to be wealthy beyond anything I could have made back in my homeland." The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done" Ahmed finds he has a State Benefits book in his hands. Ahmed goes on to say, "Thank you kind fairy. Now I'd like to live for free in a wonderful home grander than anything I could have built out of mud back home" The fairy claps his hands and says, "It is done." Ahmed finds he's holding the keys to a five bedroomed council house in Bradford. Ahmed can't believe his luck but thinks his next choice will be the clincher to beat his wildest fantasies. "Fairy," he says "I want to fit in and be treated like I've lived here all my life. Make me an Englishman." The fairy claps his hands and says "It is done" Ahmed finds he's white skinned, blonde haired and dressed in a pinstripe suit, with an umbrella but the house keys and his benefit book have disappeared. Dismayed he asks the fairy "What happened to my other wonderful gifts?" The fairy replies "Well, sunshine. If you want to live like an Englishman in the UK ... then you're entitled to fuck all."