Universal truths

Discussion in 'Humor' started by MaggieMae, May 3, 2010.

  1. MaggieMae
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    MaggieMae Reality bits

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    1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    3. I take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

    5. Which would have been more useful to learn: the Greek alphabet or how to fold a fitted sheet?

    6. And was learning cursive really necessary?

    7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5: I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

    10. Bad decisions make good stories. For REALLY bad decisions, see #8.

    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my movie collection...again.

    13. I'm always somewhat terrified when I exit Word and it asks me if I want to save changes to my ten-page research project that I swear I did not change.

    14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this article of clothing - ever.

    15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away? Get hit by the beer truck ? Seriously, answer the damn phone!

    16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good, and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

    17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Not YOURS, of course (see #4).

    18. The freezer deserves a light as well.

    19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite (or wine ... or margaritas ... or tequila shots) than Kay.

    20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

    21. Sometimes I'll watch a movie I saw when I was younger and realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

    22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take two trips to bring my groceries in.

    23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text. Oh-- like you never ….

    24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger (and sometimes between the stomach growling of being hungry or having to go to the bathroom).

    25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? And if I didn't catch it the first time, could you speak the hell up when I ask you to repeat it?

    26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent some jackass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!


    27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dummer and dummer every year? (yes, I know it's misspelled, I couldn't find the sarcasm font)

    29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you’re going to die and blurt out something that you swore you'd take to your grave, then realize everything is cool. This means you, Liberace, J. Edgar Hoover, Tom Cruise ....

    30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

    31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

    32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and hitting a pinata - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time, without waking up.
     

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