Understanding Engineers

Discussion in 'Humor' started by rdean, Jul 14, 2010.

  1. rdean
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    rdean rddean

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    Understanding Engineers – I

    Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
    one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
    minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
    threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
    you want."

    The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
    clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



    Understanding Engineers – II

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

    To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



    Understanding Engineers – III

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
    particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
    those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

    The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

    He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
    They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
    They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
    we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group fell silent for a moment.

    The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
    for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
    colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


    Understanding Engineers – IV

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

    Mechanical engineers build weapons

    Civil engineers build targets.


    Understanding Engineers – V

    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

    The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

    The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

    The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


    Understanding Engineers – VI

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
    have designed the human body.

    One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
    has many thousands of electrical connections."

    The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
    Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational
    area?"



    Understanding Engineers – VII

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

    Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
    features yet.



    Understanding Engineers – VIII

    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
    and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

    He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
    princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

    Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
    into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
    beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
    anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
    girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
     
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  2. daveman
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    daveman Diamond Member

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    :lol: Those are great!
     
  3. daveman
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    daveman Diamond Member

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    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife of a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
    The engineer said, "I like both."
    "Both?" asked the artist.
    Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."



    An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer becomes dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

    Satan replies: "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

    God replies: "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

    Satan says: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

    God says: "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"



    The professions:
    Ask a Mathematician what's 1 + 1, the answer will be 2
    Ask a Physicist, the answer will be between 1.9 and 2.1
    Ask a Mechanical Engineer, the answer will be 2 +/- 0.1
    Ask a Structural Engineer, the answer will be 9 (to be on the safe side).
    Ask a Computer Programmer, the answer will be 10
    Ask an Accountant, they will ask you what you want it to be.
     
  4. Baruch Menachem
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    Baruch Menachem '

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    #6 is best, #5 reflects painful personal experience
     
  5. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    An engineer, physicist and pure mathamatician, assigned to a top secret project in the wilderness, were sleeping in a rustic cabin

    A fire broke out, and the engineer awoke, saw it, got a bucket of water and put it out.

    Later, the physicist awoke to a fire.

    He computed the amount of combustable material, determined how much water was needed, and with the last drop of water from his bucket, the last ember extinguished.

    Later another fire broke out. The pure mathamatician awoke.

    He determined the heat of the flame, the amount of combustable material, the amount of oxygen in the room, the temperature of the water he had on hand.

    He focused his enormous intellect on the problem while the fire grew and grew. He recast his projections accordingly

    Finally, after working on the problem on his abacus, he smugly announced to himself:

    EUREKA! A solution DOES exist....


    ...and then?














    Then he promptly went back to sleep.
     
  6. rdean
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    rdean rddean

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    Wow, you managed to put a lawyer, an engineer, Satan and God all in the same joke - and it was funny. Now that's impressive.
     
  7. hitmark
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    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
     

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