Tower Heist: Pre-Empting ISIS

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Abishai100, Aug 13, 2018.

  1. Abishai100

    Abishai100 VIP Member

    Sep 22, 2013
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    Americans have been paranoid about terrorism since 9/11, so here's a parody about a fictional 'tower-heist' of Trump World Tower in United Nations Plaza (NYC) which ironically pre-empts a strike by the terrorist group ISIS in 2018.

    It was inspired by Die Hard and The Monuments Men.

    Enjoy (and Happy August 13th --- no date of importance, but it sounds nice!),



    Americans celebrated the construction of the magnificent Trump World Tower in 1999, which opened in 2001, way before Donald Trump became U.S. President. Trump World Tower (aka, 'The Tower') was a magnificent building located right next to the United Nations Headquarters in NYC. After 9/11, Americans were paranoid about the security of New York, and indeed, the terrorist group ISIS planned to destroy 'The Tower' in the autumn of 2018. Ironically, three daring thieves (all U.S. citizens) were planning a daring heist of The Tower in that same autumn.


    Any tourist can tell you that The Tower (New York) is way more impressive than the gaudy Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City (New Jersey). That's why ISIS sought to destroy it, especially since its 'parent terrorist organization' (known as 'Cobra') demanded that terrorism be reaffirmed since 9/11 was 'losing sway' in fear-folklore. Well, our three American thieves had other plans for The Tower that autumn. One was an employee of The Tower named Ajay. The Tower lobby was breath-taking incidentally...


    Ajay knew there was a secret storehouse of incredible gold bars in The Tower, locked away in a vault-room in the 2nd-tier basement, which only employees could access with a special lock-code (which Ajay obtained from a drunken security guard one night while drinking with him in the Tower pub!). The 'gold-room' in The Tower (as it was called) would even draw the envy of the Bond-villain Goldfinger (a crime-master of perfected gambling/thievery) himself.


    Ajay had two friends who were Hollywood celebrities --- Tom Hardy and Ben Affleck. Hardy and Affleck had already made courage-themed films including Legend and Justice League and were interested in doing something 'exciting' that autumn. Ajay told them about his Tower heist scheme, and Hardy/Affleck loved it. Ajay intended to enter The Tower disguised as a Bedouin-sheik from the Arabian desert (since he was Albanian by birth and had adequate brown-colored skin!) and request a private tour of the basement. Meanwhile, Hardy and Affleck would enter just a little time after requesting a similar tour of the basement areas, claiming they were photographing 'building foundations' for a Nat-Geo article about NYC infrastructure. Ajay, Hardy, and Affleck gave themselves the team code-name 'The Three Amigos.' It was a terrific plan.


    A Catholic nun named Eileen was intending to stay at The Tower on the same day 'The Three Amigos' planned their outrageous heist. Eileen knew celebrity and Microsoft billionaire Bill Gates also stayed at The Tower. You see, Eileen was a psychopath whose Catholic faith had failed her (in every way). She decided to walk into The Tower and request to meet Bill Gates and them assassinate him before setting off explosives tied to the soles of her padded sneakers. Eileen was going to throw a monkey-wrench into the Three Amigo's Tower-heist, but how would ISIS add flames to this already 'ridiculous fire'? How would President Trump react?


    Ajay had Hardy and Affleck wear wolf-masks once they obtained entrance into the gold-room with him, since there were cameras in there. The guards were inoculated with tranquilizer-darts the Three Amigos brought with them. They stuffed as many gold bars as they could carry in their large duffel-bags and emptied the magazines that were in there and left them on the floor of the Tower gold-room. They then proceeded to the roof before attempting to flee. It was then that Ben suggested they walk back into the Tower and purchase two celebratory drinks (with their masks off of course).


    As the Three Amigos enjoyed Pina Coladas (with their secret gold-stuffed duffel-bags lying right next to them!), Eileen grabbed Bill Gates' neck and threatened to set off explosives. People began panicking, but then a group of masked ISIS terrorists also stormed in and declared their intention to destroy Trump's 'magnificent Tower.' It was almost a sort of delirious madness, and the Three Amigos wondered what they should do.


    And then suddenly...celebrity Tom Cruise walked in, having just completed yet another Mission: Impossible film! He saw the chaos/confusion, and demanded everyone calm down and if they did, he'd use his special 'celebrity-status' to arrange a meeting between the terrorists, ISIS, and President Trump. As Eileen and the 'ISIS crazies' consented to Cruise's offbeat 'press-plan,' the Three Amigos snuck away with their duffel-bags of gold. The NY Post wrote, "As Tom Cruise literally saved the day, it was discovered that gold was stolen from the Tower vault/gold-room, but at that point, with President Trump already negotiating with Eileen (who agreed to free hostage Bill Gates) and the ISIS 'representatives' (who agreed not to destroy The Tower so that Trump could arrange a special PLO-meeting at The Tower that Christmas!), White House executives decided to 'just forget' about the gold-heist and simply write up the entire adventure as a 'media-commando parade'!"


    GOD: At least The Tower is safe...
    SATAN: Bill Gates too!
    GOD: The Three Amigos got away with all that gold...
    SATAN: Ajay retired to Switzerland; Hardy and Affleck are making a heist-film.
    GOD: That's funny.
    SATAN: The Trump Administration decided the gold-heist was simply a 'mysterious tragedy.'
    GOD: The Three Amigos 'benefitted' from Eileen and ISIS's terror-mission.
    SATAN: Only in America can such insanity occur.
    GOD: Well, America did elect a casino-mogul as its President.
    SATAN: Yes, Donald Trump is the first celebrity-president since Reagan.
    GOD: Let's go watch Tower Heist (Ben Stiller) on Netflix!
    SATAN: They should make a movie about capitalism-humor.
    GOD: Well, Coming to America (Eddie Murphy) is sort of like that...
    SATAN: I guess Tom Cruise is making another Mission: Impossible film!
    GOD: Isn't he like...60 years-old?
    SATAN: You're never too daydream.



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