Had an embarrassing moment in the bank yesterday. My girlfriend, who is a military nurse, went up to the counter to write a cheque. She dives into her purse for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says at the top of her voice, "Well, that's great...that's really great! Some arsehole's got my pen!" Played a round of golf with her yesterday afternoon. That was a bloody mistake. Teeing off to the first hole she hit the biggest slice youve ever seen. It zoomed off across two fairways and hit this guy coming up the eighteenth. We heard him scream as he clasped his hands to his crotch and fell down in agony. We ran over to him and my girlfriend taking his hands and placing them to his side said, "I'm a nurse and I can help you." She then proceeded to open up his pants and began to massage his private parts. After a few minutes she said, "There! Doesn't that feel better?" The guy said, "Yeah that does feel good. But my thumb still hurts like hell! Stupid bitch! Things didnt improve after that either. On the second tee the club captain sees her addressing her ball five yards in front of the tee marker. You cant do that he yells out. Piss off she says, while I take my second shot. By the ninth hole I could tell she was getting a bit testy. Then on the tenth, she turned on me and said, youre really getting on my nerves this afternoon! Are you anxious to get home or what? Every time I hit the ball you look at your watch. I said, Its not a watch. Its a compass. Never did finish that round of golf. We went to a posh dinner last night and I was introduced to Alan Sugar. Hes one of our self-made millionaires. He seemed to be a very nice bloke, so I said to him, "Alan, what does a million years mean to you?" He answered ..."Same as a minute." I then asked, "Alan what does a million quid mean to you?" He thought for a couple of seconds, then said "About the same as a penny does to you." I said ...."Can I borrow a penny?" He said..."In a minute." Smart bastard. Mind you, I did get my own back on my girlfriend for embarrassing me this morning. Yeh. I accidentally let a fart rip at our dining table whilst speaking to a female guest. Her husband seemed none too pleased though. How dare you break wind in front of my wife! he said. Sorry mate, I said. I didnt know it was her turn. Didnt think I was going to get any sex last night, but, hey, she was really up for it. Before we went to bed, she asked if there was anything she could do to make our sex even better. I suggested she started moaning just before climaxing. So when things were going well she whispered, Is this the moment? Shall I start to moan now? Yes, I croaked. Start moaning now. Right, she said. Why the fuck do you always leave me to do all the washing up? Bitch! I didnt know whether I was coming or going. Up early this morning. Beautiful day! Five mile run to burn off yesterdays excess then on to the pub to put it back on again. Saw my mate Dave. Hes trying to improve things with his wife, but he doesnt seem to be having much luck. He said to her the other day, My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear the gold one tonight." Wife says, "why don't you wear the silver one and cum 2nd for a bleeding change?" Then last night he went home with a tube of K-Y Jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. Anyway, he seems to have a solution. She was asking him how she could lose a bit of weight and hes worked out a fitness regime for her. Hes getting her to walk three miles in the morning and three miles in the evening. He reckons that by the end of the week shell be 42 miles away. I wonder what this evening holds in store.