Sunday Musings

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Bootneck, May 31, 2009.

  1. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Had an embarrassing moment in the bank yesterday. My girlfriend, who is a military nurse, went up to the counter to write a cheque. She dives into her purse for a pen and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says at the top of her voice, "Well, that's great...that's really great! Some arsehole's got my pen!"

    Played a round of golf with her yesterday afternoon. That was a bloody mistake. Teeing off to the first hole she hit the biggest slice you’ve ever seen. It zoomed off across two fairways and hit this guy coming up the eighteenth. We heard him scream as he clasped his hands to his crotch and fell down in agony. We ran over to him and my girlfriend taking his hands and placing them to his side said, "I'm a nurse and I can help you." She then proceeded to open up his pants and began to massage his private parts. After a few minutes she said, "There! Doesn't that feel better?" The guy said, "Yeah that does feel good. But my thumb still hurts like hell!” Stupid bitch!

    Things didn’t improve after that either. On the second tee the club captain sees her addressing her ball five yards in front of the tee marker. You can’t do that he yells out. “Piss off” she says, “while I take my second shot.” By the ninth hole I could tell she was getting a bit testy. Then on the tenth, she turned on me and said, “you’re really getting on my nerves this afternoon! Are you anxious to get home or what? Every time I hit the ball you look at your watch.” I said, “It’s not a watch. It’s a compass.” Never did finish that round of golf.

    We went to a posh dinner last night and I was introduced to Alan Sugar. He’s one of our self-made millionaires. He seemed to be a very nice bloke, so I said to him, "Alan, what does a million years mean to you?" He answered ..."Same as a minute." I then asked, "Alan what does a million quid mean to you?" He thought for a couple of seconds, then said "About the same as a penny does to you." I said ...."Can I borrow a penny?" He said..."In a minute." Smart bastard.

    Mind you, I did get my own back on my girlfriend for embarrassing me this morning. Yeh. I accidentally let a fart rip at our dining table whilst speaking to a female guest. Her husband seemed none too pleased though. “How dare you break wind in front of my wife!” he said. “Sorry mate,” I said. “I didn’t know it was her turn.”

    Didn’t think I was going to get any sex last night, but, hey, she was really up for it. Before we went to bed, she asked if there was anything she could do to make our sex even better. I suggested she started moaning just before climaxing. So when things were going well she whispered, “Is this the moment? Shall I start to moan now?”
    “Yes,” I croaked. “Start moaning now.” “Right,” she said. “Why the fuck do you always leave me to do all the washing up?” Bitch! I didn’t know whether I was coming or going.

    Up early this morning. Beautiful day! Five mile run to burn off yesterday’s excess then on to the pub to put it back on again. Saw my mate Dave. He’s trying to improve things with his wife, but he doesn’t seem to be having much luck. He said to her the other day, “My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear the gold one tonight." Wife says, "why don't you wear the silver one and cum 2nd for a bleeding change?" Then last night he went home with a tube of K-Y Jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

    Anyway, he seems to have a solution. She was asking him how she could lose a bit of weight and he’s worked out a fitness regime for her. He’s getting her to walk three miles in the morning and three miles in the evening. He reckons that by the end of the week she’ll be 42 miles away.

    I wonder what this evening holds in store.
     
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  2. strollingbones
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    strollingbones Diamond Member

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    i was gonnna fuss at you but i am laughing too hard..random musings is my ground....


    too funny
     
  3. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Yeh, but these ain't random musings Bones. :tongue:
     
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  4. strollingbones
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    strollingbones Diamond Member

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    yea i saw the sunday musings....i am reading threads to discuss in the random musings....you couldnt pay me to be a mod and have to real this bullshit....i mean hell some of it ....is beyond window lickers on the short bus
     
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  5. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Thought I was in for a peaceful evening. No such luck. Girlfriend has just had a telephone call to say her sister has been arrested for drug smuggling. Bloody good. Can't stand the fat bitch. Apparently she was walking through customs with no knickers on, fell over and exposed 30lb of crack. I shouldn't of laughed though. She's got the right hump now.
     
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  6. alan1
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    alan1 USMB Mod Staff Member Supporting Member

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    Yer killing me Bootneck.
    :) :)
     
  7. DamnYankee
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    DamnYankee No Neg Policy

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    rotflmao!
     
  8. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    I hope not. I'm supposed to confine that to defined enemies!
     
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  9. Bootneck
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    Bootneck Diamond Member

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    Got a call from my mum tonight. Another driving mishap and trouble with the police. She was driving along the motorway doing 70 mph in the centre lane. She was knitting at the same time, with her hands between the spokes of the steering wheel. A police car roared up beside her with all lights flashing. A police officer pulled his window down and shouted at her, "Pull over!"

    What did my mum do? She shouted back, "No. Pair of socks!" Silly mare.
     
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  10. Mr.Fitnah
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    Mr.Fitnah Dreamcrusher

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    Sunday again?
     

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