Socially Unaccepted Humor

Discussion in 'Humor' started by amir, May 14, 2012.

  1. amir
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    amir BANNED

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    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
    biggest 'member' she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling
    my leg."


    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
    she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.


    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
    girlfriend yet.

    Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

    A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "He says, what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
    reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
    would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
    listening."

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
    worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
    back.

    At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I
    lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have
    curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Africa!!!


    There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but
    I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new
    bomber jackets.

    You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they
    drive slowly past schools.

    A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
    girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He
    said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

    Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on
    Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next
    thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I
    said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in
    my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
    people-porn, you sick bastard."

    The Red Cross just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway







    =
     
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  2. Hossfly
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    Hossfly ZIONUT Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    I bought a new T-shirt with a picture of O'Bama on the front.The inscription says,"Does this ass make my T-shirt look too big?"

    At O'Bama's inauguration, 500,000 people showed up. Only six of them missed work.

    If O'Bama is the answer, what was the stupid question?
     
  3. uscitizen
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    uscitizen Senior Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  4. JohnA
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    JohnA Silver Member

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    A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

    Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

    The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

    "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."



    Man goes to see a doctor about loss of memory .
    What did you come to see me about ,asked the doctor ?
    dunno says the man i forgot .


    What d you call a lesbian dinosuur ?

    a Lickalotofpus .
     
  5. Hossfly
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    Hossfly ZIONUT Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    A beautiful blonde suspected her husband of hanky panky so one day she told him she was going shopping for the whole day. Three hours later she returned home and found him in bed with another woman. She rushed from the room then returned about 30 seconds later brandishing a pistol which she held to her head. Alarmed, the husband begged her not to shoot herself and promised never to cheat again. She screamed, "Shut up bastard! You're next!"

    I told you this was another blonde joke.
     
  6. amir
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    amir BANNED

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    Michael and Gary got married in California.

    They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house

    in Corner Brook for their first married night together.
    In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
    As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
    She replies, 'No'.
    Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up
    yet?'
    She replies, 'No.'
    Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
    After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
    'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
    His mom says, 'No.'
    He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
    His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

    He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think....I gave him my airplane glue.'
     
  7. amir
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    amir BANNED

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    I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    * Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

    * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

    * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

    * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

    * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
    Patient: "I am 60!"
    Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

    * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
    The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

    * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
    They're worth it.

    * The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

    * There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

    Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
    A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
    .
    Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
    A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

    * A man called his mother in Florida :
    "Mom, how are you?"
    "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak.."
    The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
    The son said, "That's terrible.
    Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
    The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

    * A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"
    The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
    "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

    * Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
    "Force yourself," she replied.

    Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
    A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

    Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
    A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.
     
  8. Mad Scientist
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    Mad Scientist Deplorable Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

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    A Russian technician I knew when I worked at SkyWest Airlines told me the worst joke I've ever heard. It's best if you read this with a Russian accent:

    "What ees 4 foot tall and s*cks my deeck? Your sone. Hehe!"
     
  9. amir
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    amir BANNED

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    A kid with a Jewish mother and black father asks his mom, "Mom, what am I, a Jew or black", why do you ask, she asks, he says, because there is a kid in school who has a cool bike to sell, I wanna know should I jew him down or steal the muddaphuker.
     
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  10. JohnA
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    JohnA Silver Member

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    SO YOU VONT JEWISH JOKES ALREADY

    Abel &joshua won the lottery

    What shall we do about the begging letters abel asked joshua

    Keep sending them abel keep sending them .



    Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
    ItÂ’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

    Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
    A: Because it`s probably the last time he`ll put his foot down.

    Q: What do you call a Jewish man who`s lost 80% of his brain?
    A: A widower!
     

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