School Teacher Arrested Texas - A public school teacher was arrested today at Bergstrom International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-gebra is a problem for us, Rumsfeld said. They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of an axis with coordinates in every country. They seek to integrate in every group and become an intergral part of them. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes. White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president. One of the worst beliefs of this group is that they want their women to greatly multiply.