Recieved in E-mail

[SFC Ollie]

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir." The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."

 

[California Girl]

I must spread rep.

 

[blu]

did he put lipstick on them?

 

[SFC Ollie]

did he put lipstick on them?

LOL Might have.

 

[SFC Ollie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZPyo_MxRfeo]YouTube - Sea Gull Epic Win[/ame]

 

[SFC Ollie]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

' I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.
' I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

' I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.
' I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

' I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.
' I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy
' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy

' Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


(You're gonna hate me for this....)

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

 

[Zander]

Oye...

 

[SFC Ollie]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfABnAS5i9Q&feature=player_embedded]YouTube - Farting Squirrel commercial A Fresh Air Explosion[/ame]

 

[SFC Ollie]

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end..............

you'll wish you had a fucking club and a spade.....​

 

[Baruch Menachem]

Your Email inbox was full of it this morning?

 

[SFC Ollie]

Your Email inbox was full of it this morning?

LOL I get these little gems now and then.......

 

[SFC Ollie]

Dealing with Stress

I am not exactly sure how it works,
but this is amazingly accurate:

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it.
It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital in Tampa, FL.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water.
The dolphins are identical.

A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that,
in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical,
a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.

The more differences a person finds between the dolphins,
the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look carefully at the photograph and,
if you find more than one or two differences,
you may want to take a vacation.


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No Need to Reply, I'll be on vacation!!!

 

[SFC Ollie]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Avw0n9b2o9U[/ame]

 

[SFC Ollie]

The year is 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years
Ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five
Aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell ,
New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been
Covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and
Organizations.


However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine
Months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr..
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J.. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for
You.

 

[Big Black Dog]

I love it. What a great joke!

 

[SFC Ollie]

Truths for mature humans

1- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3- I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4- There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

5- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6- Was learning cursive really necessary?

7- Map quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm fairly certain I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9- I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired

10- Bad decisions make good stories.

11- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after blue ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection…. Again!

13- I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14- I keep some peoples phone numbers in my phone just so i know not to answer when they call.

15- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16- I disagree with Kay jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with miller lite than k

17- I wish Google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option.

18- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19- How many times is it appropriate to say what? Before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22- Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still do not know what time it is.

23- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24- The first testicular guard, the cup, was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.


(ladies…. Quit laughing)

 

[SFC Ollie]

A DC airport ticket agent-must read!

This is priceless funny stuff; but alas, is only a small indication
of how much trouble our country is in.
God Bless America !

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that
her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted
to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
but Capetown is in Massachusetts....''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,
''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''

his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an
ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he
wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between
gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand
the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description
on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage
that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back
and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was
just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California
and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked,
''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823,
but none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she
needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said,
''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from
Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code
in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,
AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED..

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.
Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.