I'm sorry, but this is to frickin funny. It's a parody written by Chris Mercurio (author of "Dear Obama"). I don't know about you, but I needed this today: Washington DC President Obama continues to hammer Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney over his ties to Bain Capital. The most recent allegations against the private equity firm is over its role in the shocking divorce between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Obama officials have yet to disclose details of the accusation, however sources close to the campaign say the Hollywood couple was distraught over Bains alleged outsourcing of jobs and the discrepancies in Romneys departure date. A spokesman for the couple said the tipping point for their marriage came when they heard a former Bain employee describe a harrowing tale of when he once witnessed the former Massachusetts Governor leave the toilet seat up after relieving himself. The employee, who for privacy reasons goes by Mavid Paxelrod, said it was one of the most egregious and selfish acts Ive ever seen. Fighting back tears, Paxelrod also claimed Romney used the handicap stall on more than one occasion. Im not saying he is on the level of a Hitler or Dick Cheney, but Mr. Romneys pathetic existence has all but guaranteed him a spot in Hell. The story comes as good news for former President George W. Bush. He was the initial suspect in causing the high profile break-up. Although the war criminal can breathe a sigh of relief, it hasnt been a great week overall for him. Earlier in the week genetic testing concluded that George Bush is now to blame for Gout and Restless Leg Syndrome (the shingles results were inconclusive). Family members for both Cruise and Holmes are still hopeful for a reconciliation. However, the fact now that Romney is a felon and apparently a whiner does not bode well for their relationship. Obamas inner circle have remained silent on the story, with the exception of Joe Biden. At a campaign stop in Skokie Illinois the Vice President told a reporter, If TomKats divorce interfere with the plans for a Cocktail 2 he (Romney) can kiss this F!!##@$ election goodbye.