Newfie Jokes

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Said1, Dec 16, 2005.

  1. Said1

    Said1 VIP Member

    Jan 26, 2004
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    Somewhere in Ontario
    A newfie calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!"

    The next day the RCMP descends on Billy Bob's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's..

    "Hey Billy Bob, did the RCMP come to your house?"


    "Did they chop all your firewood?"


    "Happy Birthday Buddy!"

    Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.

    Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

    Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

    Henry and Mike decide to leave Newfoundland and fly to Ontario. Before they leave, Henry's dad gives them a bit of advice: "You watch out for those Toronto cab drivers. If you give 'em an inch, they'll take a yard. They'll rob you blind. There's nothing you can do - except don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

    At the airport in Toronto they hail a cab to take them to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."

    "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says Henry.

    "And you'll only get fifteen from me too." Adds Mike.

    Two newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland
    and start to think about moving out West for a better life.
    George is all for it but Frank is a little skeptical.
    George says,"Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and
    it'll be a good change fer us, "Frank replies,"I know Garge but what about the Atlantic?" Won't you miss the fishin, and smell of the salt water in the mornin'? "George agrees, but offers an Idea,"Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin'dory witch a and when ever ya starts to miss da rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St.Johns"

    Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go. Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
    Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!" They unhook the
    dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and
    start rowing. Well it just happens that, at the same time
    another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates
    on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field
    rowing away.
    Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and
    begins to scream at them.
    "No wonder the whole country tinks we're stuped, look at yous two
    out there rowin 'Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out dere and kick yer arses!!!!!"

    Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of
    a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost
    over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's
    penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure
    during sex.
    After the results were published, the French declared that the British were
    wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After
    three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded
    that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman
    with more sexual pleasure.
    When the results of the French study were released, Newfoundland decided to
    conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research
    and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study was complete. They came to the
    conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is
    larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him
    in the forehead.
    • Thank You! Thank You! x 1

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