~Moving To Scotland~

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Dabs, Nov 22, 2011.

  1. Dabs
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    Dabs ~Unpredictable~

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    THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN RECENTLY MOVED TO THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS




    'OUR FIRST WINTER '


    DEC 20TH
    It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've
    seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch
    watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down clinging to the trees and
    covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.


    DEC 24th
    We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow
    covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight, every tree and
    bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first
    time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that
    day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
    compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back
    and shovelled it away again. The children next door built a snowman with
    coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple
    just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their
    fun.


    DEC 26th
    It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature
    dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes
    snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again.
    Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of
    the snow is now a brownish - grey.


    JAN 1st
    Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
    became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both
    our cars £500. Fell on my arse in the driveway. £100 to a physio but nothing
    was broken.


    JAN 5th
    Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to
    work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing -
    £2000 . Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are
    covered in salt and iced up slush . That bastard snowplough came by twice
    today. Where's that bloody shovel.


    JAN 9th
    More fucking snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't
    been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing
    to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly
    torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree
    burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a fucking
    deer on the way to casualty and was written off.


    JAN 13th
    Fucking bastard white shite just keeps on coming down. Have to put
    on every article of clothing just to go to the post box. The little *****
    next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that
    carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon 6 hours
    to find it. If I ever catch that fuckpig that drives the snowplough I'll
    chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the bastard
    hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he
    accelerates down the street like Michael 'fucking' Schumacher and buries the
    fucking driveway again.


    JAN 17th
    16 more sodding inches of fucking snow and fucking ice and fucking
    sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in
    3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice - pick.
    Can't move my fucking toes or my twatting fingers. Haven't seen the sun for
    5 bastard weeks. Minus 20 and more fucking snow forecast.





    FUCK THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON !!
     
  2. Iridescence
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    Iridescence BANNED

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    Um, well, now see, the key to successfully surviving this snowy season is banking the three other season's money enough that the both of you can stay cozy, warm, and well fed until the next thaw... Just think all the snuggling these two missed out on by having all this extra drama going on when their time could have obviously been better spent elsewhere... :D
     

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