Jim Norton - HILARIOUS!

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jimnyc, Sep 22, 2004.

  1. jimnyc
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    jimnyc ...

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    At least in my sick opinion. In case you don't know him, he's a comedian from the NY area. He also travels and performs across the country. He was recently on Last Comic Standing before being tossed out (he never really made it into the house, contractual obligations got him voted out).

    Anyway. He also has his own blog. I read it occassionally to cheer me up. He is a very sick individual who cracks me up. I really have to go see him soon. Here's his latest story: (And BTW - STOP HERE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR OR IF YOU DON'T LIKE VULGARITY!! :)
    -------------------------

    The greatest moment of my life

    It’s odd how your values system slowly changes as you grow older. Time spent with family became something I look forward to and feel grateful for, as opposed to years ago when it felt like an irritating obligation. Is it because the older I get the more human my parents become? When the dark hair on their heads was replaced with grey did I suddenly value their company more because I finally and tangibly understood that they’re growing older and are indeed going to die? Or maybe I just relate to them on a bit more of an eye to eye level now that I’m older. And things that used to mean so much have kind have lost their value to me a bit. Watching sports is still enjoyable but the importance of my team winning and the agony of them losing have both softened into feelings almost indistinguishable from one another, and I'm saddened by the realization that this softening is only a pitstop on the road to indifference. It’s amazing that it took until this day, in my 37th year (God that sounds so old), to have what I will consider from here on to be the greatest moment in my life. I’ve never tried to pick ‘the best moment’, although I’ve had my share of amazing ones; meeting Richard Pryor, talking with Sam Kinison (and getting him to autograph a napkin which I still have), performing at Madison Square Garden and for that 15 minutes standing alone on the same stage that Black Sabbath, Kiss and Led Zeppelin performed on. There have been some incredible moments in my life but after today they will fast become faded memories.
    Today started out rather uneventfully; I woke up around four pm and popped in my contact lenses. I slept so late because I didn’t get to bed until 7am or so. After my midnight set at the Cellar last night, I stopped over at Bob Kelly’s to play some cards. Bob lives on the 5th floor of my building so it was a convenient place to socialize. Keith Robinson was there, as was Colin, Dane Cook, Bob, Matt Frost and a comic from LA named Jay Davis. I shoveled chips and cheese and crackers and nuts into my fat face almost non stop for three hours and in the end wound up wining a whopping sum of $67. I came home and had one of my favorite working girls stop by for some late night oral treats. She gave me head for about 15 minutes and then I shot what looked like Similac all over my stomach and chest. It was an emotionally healthy ending to the day – gamble while compulsively eating then pay another human being to use their mouth on my cock like a pan flute. After she left and I had wiped the little fellers off my belly and deposited them into the toilet I decided there was nothing else I could do to emotionally escape so bed was probably the best option. My throat was bugging me a bit so I took some TheraFlu and it helped me get to sleep.
    Bob called when I woke up this afternoon and we met at Starbucks. We each had the usual; a medium ice latte with soy milk. While we were sitting outside I had the itch to gamble a bit more. Bob is also a self-hating, compulsive idiot so he of course had the itch as well. We moseyed on up to his place to play a little one on one Texas Hold ‘Em. While Bob is converting the cash into chips I am sitting their casually picking my belly button and sniffing it. I hadn’t showered yet so it was nice and ripe, just the way I like it. I always try to get people to sniff my belly button but there are very rarely any takers. Rich Vos has a similar and equally revolting odor emanating from behind his ear. If he scrapes back there he gets an oily substance on his finger that can actually be seen if he rubs it on a table. We always tell people it smells like grape jelly and then try to guilt them into smelling it by telling them that everyone else has. The disgusted faces of all of the takers sends us into gales of laughter. So anyway, today I am aimlessly digging and sniffing and I casually ask dumb Bob if he’d like a whiff. He says, "No way am I smelling that” and I figure that’s the end of it. By now we’ve started our poker playing. I kind of half kidding asked if he’d do it for 2 one dollar chips. This compulsive, greedy motherfucker says, "Two bucks? Okay.” I couldn’t believe my good fortune! As I said, I hadn’t showered and that combined with the fact that I dumped a load into it last night/this morning really had it in tip top, rancid form. I dipped my finger into my belly button nice and deep, making sure to get a thorough swipe. This moron is sitting there with his eyes close like he’s about to do a wine tasting. I hold my finger straight and sure under his nose and watch as the look of ‘this is going to be slightly icky’ turned into absolute revulsion. He retches a bit in the seat then gets up and bolts to the bathroom. Then the greatest moment of my life occurred; he opened the toilet lid and threw up. He kept saying, "Oh my God dude” and retching and puking into the bowl. He even grabbed a bottle of Listerine because he said it somehow got into his taste buds. I cannot express the joy of seeing this bald creep on his hands and knees in front of the shitter losing his medium iced latte with soy milk. For those of you who are parents take your melodramatic proclamations of the joys of childbirth and shove them up your ass. I experienced bliss in the purest sense of the word. Harmony isn’t found in God or love or helping others, it’s found watching an obnoxious asshole who looks like Dr. Evil vomit because the putrescent scent of your belly button has offended his system to the point of thinking it’s been poisoned and needs to cleanse itself. I was fucking howling while he had his face buried in the bowl. I had my camera and snapped a picture of him. It was better than heroin. In this one moment of clarity, of purity, my whole outlook on life changed. Fuck my parents and their gray hair, fuck Richard Pryor and fuck Madison Square Garden; someone can fill it with Doberman Pincher shit for all I care. The real meaning of life, what I’ve been striving for, has been hiding in my belly button all along.

    http://jimnorton.blogspot.com/
     
  2. jimnyc
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    jimnyc ...

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    Almost missed this!

    He shows the photo on his site, followed by this:

    "this was not posed, it's an actual photo of Bob puking while holding a Listerine bottle. I couldn't have been happier if the toilet lid fell down and decapitated him."
     
  3. Merlin1047
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    Merlin1047 Senior Member

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    Jim, I am forced to agree with your own assessment of your opinion in this case.

    Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

    But I read the whole thing anyway. Alternated between laughing like hell at the imagery and gagging.

    It was worth it.
     
  4. nycflasher
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    nycflasher Active Member

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    Too tired to read a paragraph that long right now(roofed for 9 hrs today in the 85 degree, clear-skied sun) but I will second the motion that he is hillarious.

    Thanks for the blog address. As I am just starting my own I'm curious to see his.
     
  5. Annie
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    Annie Diamond Member

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    Jim it looks like only weirdos would keep going with that. I bookmarked it! Geez, that was gross, but funny! :laugh: The picture, really!
     

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