It's the year 2024 and here are some leading news stories.
Major Private Religious Universities Ordered Closed by Department of Justice
The Justice Department has announced that Liberty University, Brigham Young University, and twelve other major private religious schools must cease operations on October 1 of this year for repeated violations of federal and state hate speech laws. "We warned them several times to stop teaching that 'God' only recognizes marriages between a man and a woman as valid," said a DOJ spokesperson. "That teaching deeply offends same-gender and human-animal couples," the spokesperson continued, adding, "We also warned them not to stop teaching that sex before marriage is wrong, but they insisted on appealing to their archaic and discredited interpretation of the Bill of Rights."
Massachusetts Sets New Record for Man-Dog Marriages for Single Month
Following the state legislature's legalization of human-animal marriage in 2021, Massachusetts has led the nation in human-animal marriage. Last month, July, saw the state set the record for the number of man-dog marriages performed in a state in one month, with 22 men being married to their dogs of choice. "It's so wonderful not to be discriminated against for who you love," said Joe Dogfan when informed of the new record. The Supreme Court cleared the way for human-animal marriage in 2021 when it ruled that laws that required marriage licenses to be name-signed by both partners discriminated against people whose pets clearly did not object to living with their owners in a conjugal relationship.
Conservative Hate Websites Forced to Pay Huge Fines
A federal jury found that leading conservatives websites violated FCC regulations and federal hate speech laws when they used terms like "tyrant" and "dictator" to criticize President Elizabeth Warren. The websites face a minimum fine of two million dollars. The conservative websites on trial included Sean Hannity's website, Mark Levin's website, RedState.com, TownHall.com, the Drudge Report, and the Heritage Foundation's website. The case arose after conservative websites strongly attacked President Warren for her executive order that shut down state legislatures in Alabama, Texas, Mississippi, Utah, and Georgia for passing resolutions protesting recent executive orders that impose taxes on churches and that require religious ministers to submit copies of their sermons to FCC regulators for approval before they are delivered.
President Warren to Sign European Peace Treaty with 12th Caliphate
President Elizabeth announced on Monday that she will travel to Tehran to sign the new European-12th Caliphate Peace Agreement on November 1 of this year. "This agreement," said President Warren, "will merely recognize the reality that has existed on the ground since 2022." The agreement will formally recognize Caliphate control of Europe. After developing nuclear weapons in 2017 under an earlier agreement signed by President Barack Obama, Iran won a series of defensive wars from 2017 to 2019 and assumed control of the former countries of Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Israel, Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and other nations in the region. Iran then changed its name to the 12th Caliphate. In 2020, the 12th Caliphate launched a series of preemptive strikes against Germany, France, Poland, Italy, Greece, and Spain, and established pro-Caliphate governments in those countries later that year. 2021 saw several strikes against Caliphate forces by European "freedom fighters," but by 2022 Caliphate forces were able to destroy the rebel groups and there has not been an attack on a Caliphate installation or facility since late 2021.
Virginia Becomes 42nd State to Lower Marriage Age to 12
On Tuesday, amid great fanfare, Governor Chelsea Clinton signed the Marriage Age Equality Act, making Virginia the 42nd state to allow 12-year-old girls to marry without their parents' consent. ACLU spokesperson Doug Realwrong said, "We thank the scientific community for weighing in so effectively on this issue. There is no scientific reason that a 12-year-old girl should be forced to wait six years to marry the man she loves." Thirty-two adult-minor couples waited in line at a courthouse in Alexandria to get marriage licenses. "This is so like wonderful," said 13-year-old Cindy Smith. "I've been in love with my Uncle Harry since I was 10. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him as my husband. He like totally gets me." For his part, her uncle said it was about time that society stopped making judgments about who people love. "Where do these Christian bigots get off telling me I'm wrong for wanting to marry the girl I love? Not letting girls marry until they turn 18 is an arbitrary, relatively recent practice from a historical perspective. Girls in Africa can marry at the age of 10. Why can't my 13-year-old niece, who is just as mature as I am, marry me if she wants? I'm glad this discrimination has ended."
Major Private Religious Universities Ordered Closed by Department of Justice
The Justice Department has announced that Liberty University, Brigham Young University, and twelve other major private religious schools must cease operations on October 1 of this year for repeated violations of federal and state hate speech laws. "We warned them several times to stop teaching that 'God' only recognizes marriages between a man and a woman as valid," said a DOJ spokesperson. "That teaching deeply offends same-gender and human-animal couples," the spokesperson continued, adding, "We also warned them not to stop teaching that sex before marriage is wrong, but they insisted on appealing to their archaic and discredited interpretation of the Bill of Rights."
Massachusetts Sets New Record for Man-Dog Marriages for Single Month
Following the state legislature's legalization of human-animal marriage in 2021, Massachusetts has led the nation in human-animal marriage. Last month, July, saw the state set the record for the number of man-dog marriages performed in a state in one month, with 22 men being married to their dogs of choice. "It's so wonderful not to be discriminated against for who you love," said Joe Dogfan when informed of the new record. The Supreme Court cleared the way for human-animal marriage in 2021 when it ruled that laws that required marriage licenses to be name-signed by both partners discriminated against people whose pets clearly did not object to living with their owners in a conjugal relationship.
Conservative Hate Websites Forced to Pay Huge Fines
A federal jury found that leading conservatives websites violated FCC regulations and federal hate speech laws when they used terms like "tyrant" and "dictator" to criticize President Elizabeth Warren. The websites face a minimum fine of two million dollars. The conservative websites on trial included Sean Hannity's website, Mark Levin's website, RedState.com, TownHall.com, the Drudge Report, and the Heritage Foundation's website. The case arose after conservative websites strongly attacked President Warren for her executive order that shut down state legislatures in Alabama, Texas, Mississippi, Utah, and Georgia for passing resolutions protesting recent executive orders that impose taxes on churches and that require religious ministers to submit copies of their sermons to FCC regulators for approval before they are delivered.
President Warren to Sign European Peace Treaty with 12th Caliphate
President Elizabeth announced on Monday that she will travel to Tehran to sign the new European-12th Caliphate Peace Agreement on November 1 of this year. "This agreement," said President Warren, "will merely recognize the reality that has existed on the ground since 2022." The agreement will formally recognize Caliphate control of Europe. After developing nuclear weapons in 2017 under an earlier agreement signed by President Barack Obama, Iran won a series of defensive wars from 2017 to 2019 and assumed control of the former countries of Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon, Israel, Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and other nations in the region. Iran then changed its name to the 12th Caliphate. In 2020, the 12th Caliphate launched a series of preemptive strikes against Germany, France, Poland, Italy, Greece, and Spain, and established pro-Caliphate governments in those countries later that year. 2021 saw several strikes against Caliphate forces by European "freedom fighters," but by 2022 Caliphate forces were able to destroy the rebel groups and there has not been an attack on a Caliphate installation or facility since late 2021.
Virginia Becomes 42nd State to Lower Marriage Age to 12
On Tuesday, amid great fanfare, Governor Chelsea Clinton signed the Marriage Age Equality Act, making Virginia the 42nd state to allow 12-year-old girls to marry without their parents' consent. ACLU spokesperson Doug Realwrong said, "We thank the scientific community for weighing in so effectively on this issue. There is no scientific reason that a 12-year-old girl should be forced to wait six years to marry the man she loves." Thirty-two adult-minor couples waited in line at a courthouse in Alexandria to get marriage licenses. "This is so like wonderful," said 13-year-old Cindy Smith. "I've been in love with my Uncle Harry since I was 10. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without him as my husband. He like totally gets me." For his part, her uncle said it was about time that society stopped making judgments about who people love. "Where do these Christian bigots get off telling me I'm wrong for wanting to marry the girl I love? Not letting girls marry until they turn 18 is an arbitrary, relatively recent practice from a historical perspective. Girls in Africa can marry at the age of 10. Why can't my 13-year-old niece, who is just as mature as I am, marry me if she wants? I'm glad this discrimination has ended."
