Is Love Relative?

[Bonzi]

There are always discussions such as, if you really love this person you would "do xyz" or you would "feel xyz" but is this really true?

Is love, be it of a spouse/mate or a family member, relative to your perceptions?

Or are there certain absolutes regarding love that apply to everyone?

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

If that is the case, no wonder it is so hard to find someone you are compatible with - I don't even think common interests are all THAT important if you find someone where the paragraph above occurs.

 

[BULLDOG]

I'm not sure, but I worked with a guy who claimed incest was a relative term.

 

[Bonzi]

I'm not sure, but I worked with a guy who claimed incest was a relative term.

oh that's bad!!!!

I see love is not a many splendored thing .... I think it's a fascinating topic. Like most topics that don't have absolute answers, I like to see people perspectives on it.

 

[charwin95]

I work with fellow business owners in Singapore since late 90s.... Then I found out from one of their executive who took me for a dinner that they are brother and sister. That's very weird to me especially they introduced me to their whole clan and their kids.
I still do business with them but I just pretend that I don't know anything.

 

[Bonzi]

I work with fellow business owners in Singapore since late 90s.... Then I found out from one of their executive who took me for a dinner that they are brother and sister. That's very weird to me especially they introduced me to their whole clan and their kids.
I still do business with them but I just pretend that I don't know anything.

that's something that has always bothered me. Even if NOT blood related, like the Woody Allen thing, I think it's disgusting. I knew a guy that slept with his cousin, I think that is disgusting as well.

 

[Anathema]

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

I don't believe in Love. I think most of you know that. However, you've hit on what I believe the key to ANY successful relationship is..... compatibility. Do each of you provide what the other needs, while at the same time getting what you need from them? Obviously that paradigm is then augmented by things like social compatibility and physical attraction to the point where both parties determine that their return on investment is sufficient to meet their needs.

 

[Bonzi]

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

I don't believe in Love. I think most of you know that. However, you've hit on what I believe the key to ANY successful relationship is..... compatibility. Do each of you provide what the other needs, while at the same time getting what you need from them? Obviously that paradigm is then augmented by things like social compatibility and physical attraction to the point where both parties determine that their return on investment is sufficient to meet their needs.

People like to think of it as magical and mystical, when, in reality, we all have in our minds what "love is" and I don't believe that any two "visions of love" (to steal from the song...) are exactly the same.

Most people WILL love someone the way they want to be loved.
If that does not match with what the OTHER person feels is how they want to be loved, it can (will) create problems.

For example, I think love means trust, taking people at their word etc.
So, if I tell my husband, I need alone time, if you love me you will listen. If I'm moody, best to leave me be until I'm over it.... yet, because HE would want someone to pay attention to him when he's like that, he'll keep paying attention to me, even though I have told him what I want/need. THEN, I feel like he doesn't love me because he's not doing what I told him I need him to do.

Probably boring to most, but really, I think each others needs have to match up.
Or someone needs to change/listen.

 

[BULLDOG]

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

I don't believe in Love. I think most of you know that. However, you've hit on what I believe the key to ANY successful relationship is..... compatibility. Do each of you provide what the other needs, while at the same time getting what you need from them? Obviously that paradigm is then augmented by things like social compatibility and physical attraction to the point where both parties determine that their return on investment is sufficient to meet their needs.

People like to think of it as magical and mystical, when, in reality, we all have in our minds what "love is" and I don't believe that any two "visions of love" (to steal from the song...) are exactly the same.

Most people WILL love someone the way they want to be loved.
If that does not match with what the OTHER person feels is how they want to be loved, it can (will) create problems.

For example, I think love means trust, taking people at their word etc.
So, if I tell my husband, I need alone time, if you love me you will listen. If I'm moody, best to leave me be until I'm over it.... yet, because HE would want someone to pay attention to him when he's like that, he'll keep paying attention to me, even though I have told him what I want/need. THEN, I feel like he doesn't love me because he's not doing what I told him I need him to do.

Probably boring to most, but really, I think each others needs have to match up.
Or someone needs to change/listen.

When a woman says "someone needs to change" she means "you need to change"

 

[strollingbones]

ahhh love....what makes one just devoted to another human....what gives one the courage to put someone else before their own needs...i am not much for love by blood.....i love my son but i like to love those i want to love more than those who are blood...i love a 14 month old as much as one can love....she is not blood...i dont think i could love her anymore if she was...one should be as generous as one can with love....give it as much as possible...and always accept it when given.....be careful of conditional love....i am never sure that is real love...

i got hit by 'love at first sight' something i did not believe in.....then like a mack truck it ran me down....and i still get a thrill when i see him comin up that hill....

 

[Bonzi]

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

I don't believe in Love. I think most of you know that. However, you've hit on what I believe the key to ANY successful relationship is..... compatibility. Do each of you provide what the other needs, while at the same time getting what you need from them? Obviously that paradigm is then augmented by things like social compatibility and physical attraction to the point where both parties determine that their return on investment is sufficient to meet their needs.

People like to think of it as magical and mystical, when, in reality, we all have in our minds what "love is" and I don't believe that any two "visions of love" (to steal from the song...) are exactly the same.

Most people WILL love someone the way they want to be loved.
If that does not match with what the OTHER person feels is how they want to be loved, it can (will) create problems.

For example, I think love means trust, taking people at their word etc.
So, if I tell my husband, I need alone time, if you love me you will listen. If I'm moody, best to leave me be until I'm over it.... yet, because HE would want someone to pay attention to him when he's like that, he'll keep paying attention to me, even though I have told him what I want/need. THEN, I feel like he doesn't love me because he's not doing what I told him I need him to do.

Probably boring to most, but really, I think each others needs have to match up.
Or someone needs to change/listen.

When a woman says "someone needs to change" she means "you need to change"

only if she's selfish.
self actualized and healthy people realized changes and compromise go both ways.
Are you committed to the relationship - or yourself?

 

[Anathema]

self actualized and healthy people realized changes and compromise go both ways.
Are you committed to the relationship - or yourself?

When I was dating, I made it very clear to people thst "This is who I am. If that's not eho you want to be with, let's both move on." Likewise, I made it clear what I was looking for in a partner and if thst wasn't who/what she was or wanted to be, the relationship was over. No need to waste time when you're not both who/what the other one wants.

 

[Dont Taz Me Bro]

Is Love Relative?

In West Virginia

 

[Bonzi]

I've always had to settle - it sucks, because what I want doesn't exist.....

I stayed unmarried for 39 years.... I guess it must have been temporary insanity!

 

[Michelle420]

There are always discussions such as, if you really love this person you would "do xyz" or you would "feel xyz" but is this really true?

Is love, be it of a spouse/mate or a family member, relative to your perceptions?

Or are there certain absolutes regarding love that apply to everyone?

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

If that is the case, no wonder it is so hard to find someone you are compatible with - I don't even think common interests are all THAT important if you find someone where the paragraph above occurs.

Didn't you say you had kids?

 

[Bonzi]

There are always discussions such as, if you really love this person you would "do xyz" or you would "feel xyz" but is this really true?

Is love, be it of a spouse/mate or a family member, relative to your perceptions?

Or are there certain absolutes regarding love that apply to everyone?

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

If that is the case, no wonder it is so hard to find someone you are compatible with - I don't even think common interests are all THAT important if you find someone where the paragraph above occurs.

Didn't you say you had kids?

I do! I have 2 grown boys. How is that not jiving with what I said above?.... or what threw a red flag?

 

[Anathema]

I've always had to settle - it sucks, because what I want doesn't exist.....

I stayed unmarried for 39 years.... I guess it must have been temporary insanity!

I got married 12 days before my 40th birthday. I can count the number of significant relationships I've had and women I've been intimate with on one hand, sweetie. I wasn't going to just accept less than whst I felt I deserved. No way.

 

[Michelle420]

There are always discussions such as, if you really love this person you would "do xyz" or you would "feel xyz" but is this really true?

Is love, be it of a spouse/mate or a family member, relative to your perceptions?

Or are there certain absolutes regarding love that apply to everyone?

I feel that love is self-defined. You know what you need to be/feel loved, and, the key is to find someone that will love you that way AND that you can love in the way that person needs to be loved.

If that is the case, no wonder it is so hard to find someone you are compatible with - I don't even think common interests are all THAT important if you find someone where the paragraph above occurs.

Didn't you say you had kids?

I do! I have 2 grown boys. How is that not jiving with what I said above?.... or what threw a red flag?

Just curious about how you self define your love for your two sons. Are there conditions that they have to meet in order for you to love them?

 

[DGS49]

I assume we all realize that you could fill many libraries with books on the subject of what love is, so the idea that it can be summed up in a couple paragraphs on a BBS is...odd. But in any event,

For "romantic" purposes, there are basically two types of love and they are not necessarily related.

Type I (my categorization) is love that can sustain a lifetime marriage. To understand Type I love, consider the relative success rate of marriages in countries where they have "arranged" marriages. The spouses are chosen by parents, and are based on compatibility, suitability, and maturity. The parents get the best match they can for their child, in their own view.

In such cultures, marriages are much more "successful" than in cultures where people marry based on "love" (or, in my scheme, Type II love). And it is not that these marriages are without romance and affection. Lakshmi Mittal, one of the wealthiest people in the world, had an arranged marriage in India, and he positively goes goggle-eyed when he talks about how much he loves his wife. But in those countries, people understand what the commitment of marriage is, and they do the best they can to make the best of it.

Note also that in the traditional marriage vows, the spouses promise to "love" each other until they are separated by death. Obviously, you cannot sanely promise to maintain a high level of emotional love for your lifetime, so the promise must be referring to something else: Type I love. You TREAT THE PERSON, essentially all the time, in the same manner as you would if you were feeling the greatest emotional love that you ever felt for them. And if both parties do that, the emotional love will nurture itself and grow with time. There will be times when the spouses are disappointed, angry, bored with, and otherwise not "in love" with the other spouse, but if the "ground is constantly cultivated and maintained," the emotional love will come back again and again. I know from personal experience, married and faithful since 1973.

Today, most people want to marry out of "Love" (Type II). This is a strong emotional attraction or attachment that is so intense that it often is accompanied by actual physical reactions - I won't go into detail. This feeling is great and worth pursuing, but it is by its very nature transitory. If you want to base a lifetime relationship on the hope that you will always have this FEELING, you are a fool. It ain't happening. Furthermore, if your ATTITUDE about your marriage is not right, you will inevitably grow bored with the other person and the marriage, and start "shopping around" for someone better. This will result in adultery and/or the breakup of the marriage.

Many, if not most people, who get engaged as a by-product of Type II love are pretty much bored with the person and the relationship by the time they get married (usually many months after the engagement). This is why it is so often that people tend to get "cold feet."

I've already written too much, but you get the idea.

 

[Bonzi]

if your ATTITUDE about your marriage is not right, you will inevitably grow bored with the other person and the marriage

Agree. You can love someone deeply, but if your expectations are to keep that feeling all the time, doomed.

 

[Bonzi]

If you NEED to keep that feeling all the time, don't get married. Just be a whore.