History 101

Discussion in 'Education' started by Alpha1, Mar 20, 2009.

  1. Alpha1

    Alpha1 NAVY

    Jun 3, 2007
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    For those that don’t know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
    hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
    and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention
    of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
    to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together
    were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1. Liberals, and

    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
    agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet,
    so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
    Invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they
    were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
    conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing,
    fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest
    became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
    the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and
    the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer
    that conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land
    animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or
    imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.

    Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
    side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
    social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
    therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to
    make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for
    their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,

    construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
    athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works
    productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to
    work for a living.
    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide

    what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than
    Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
    coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a
    business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today’s lesson in world history:

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