George Costanza
A Friendly Liberal
Hello, everybody. This is George Costanza, reporting from Atlanta, GA, where I am about to listen to the Republican candidates debate. I am standing among the crowd, waiting for the actual debate to start. A number of the participants are working the room as I speak and . . . wait a minute . . . I think I am going to be able to . . .
Senator Santorum! Do you have a moment, sir? My listeners would love to hear a word from you.
Sen. Santorum: Of course, George. Glad to oblige.
GC: Excellent. So, tell me, Senator - I understand that you have some information about Governor Perrys handling of the immigration problem in Texas.
Sen. Santorum: Yes, I do, George. Glad you asked. Did you know, George, that Governor Perry has provided in-state tuition for illegal immigrants?
GC: I didnt know that, Senator. Why do you think he did that?
Sen. Santorum: Maybe that was an attempt to attract the illegal vote - I mean, the Latino voters?
GC: Excuse me, Senator? I guess the Senator had to rush off. Well, lets see if we can find anyone else . . . ah, yes - Governor Perry! Do you have a moment, sir?
Governor Perry: Hello, George! How the hell are ya?
GC: Just fine, sir. Let me ask you, are you going to unveil any new plans for how you would run the country in tonights debate?
Gov. Perry: Yes, I am, George. So glad you asked. Of course, I cant give anything away yet, but lets just say that I am going to propose a three-part plan that is going to knock this countrys socks off! Yes sir, in an effort to save money and reduce federal spending, I am going to eliminate three very well known, federal departments. Did I say three? Yes, thats right. Three. Or maybe just two. I would name them for you if I could think of them. Hopefully, I can bring them to mind before the debate starts.
GC: I see. Well, thank you sir. Hmmmm . . . oh, look, its Newt Gingrich. And who is that young woman with him? Must be his granddaughter. Oh, Mr. Speaker . . . do you have a moment?
Newt: Sure do, George. Good to see yall.
GC: Good to see you, Mr. Speaker. May I ask, sir, what is that you have there?
Newt: These three luggage bags and the four duffle bags? I like to call all of these my baggage, George. I carry it with me everywhere I go. Pretty spiffy, huh?
GC: Yes, it is, sir. And you certainly appear to have a lot of it. Will you be carrying it with you into the 2012 campaign?
Newt: Sure will, George. Dont have much choice, if you know what I mean. (chuckling) Here you go, Valerie. Why dont you run over to Nordstroms and get yourself a little something nice to wear at beddy-time while I run through this debate.
GC: Who is that, sir?
Newt: (winking) My personal secretary, George. Goes with me everywhere. Isnt she a doll?
GC: Hmmmmm . . . yes, sir. Well good luck tonight. We have time for one more interview and . . . yes . . . Ms. Bachman! Do you have a second or two to share with my listeners?
Michelle: Of course, George. So nice to see you tonight.
GC: Well, its nice to see you too. Tell me, Ms. Bachman, how would you classify yourself in this race?
Michelle: Well, George, I am a candidate with spirit - the spirit that has made this country great. Did you know I am from Waterloo, Iowa. A great little town in the Center of this Great Country! Did you know that JOHN WAYNE was from Waterloo also? Thats the kind of spirit I have too - just like him!
GC: Um . . . I dont think John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa, Ms. Bachman. John Wayne GACY was from Waterloo, Iowa. You were aware of that, right? John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer?
Michelle: Oh, excuse me, George, I have to run. They are doing a Sarah Palin look-alike contest over there and I wanted to get into it before the debate actually begins. Ta, ta for now!
GC: Well, thats about all the time we have for tonight. Sorry I couldnt interview Ron Paul but, then, no one interviews Ron Paul. Until next time, this is George Costanza signing off from the Republican debate in Atlanta, Georgia. Good night everybody.
Senator Santorum! Do you have a moment, sir? My listeners would love to hear a word from you.
Sen. Santorum: Of course, George. Glad to oblige.
GC: Excellent. So, tell me, Senator - I understand that you have some information about Governor Perrys handling of the immigration problem in Texas.
Sen. Santorum: Yes, I do, George. Glad you asked. Did you know, George, that Governor Perry has provided in-state tuition for illegal immigrants?
GC: I didnt know that, Senator. Why do you think he did that?
Sen. Santorum: Maybe that was an attempt to attract the illegal vote - I mean, the Latino voters?
GC: Excuse me, Senator? I guess the Senator had to rush off. Well, lets see if we can find anyone else . . . ah, yes - Governor Perry! Do you have a moment, sir?
Governor Perry: Hello, George! How the hell are ya?
GC: Just fine, sir. Let me ask you, are you going to unveil any new plans for how you would run the country in tonights debate?
Gov. Perry: Yes, I am, George. So glad you asked. Of course, I cant give anything away yet, but lets just say that I am going to propose a three-part plan that is going to knock this countrys socks off! Yes sir, in an effort to save money and reduce federal spending, I am going to eliminate three very well known, federal departments. Did I say three? Yes, thats right. Three. Or maybe just two. I would name them for you if I could think of them. Hopefully, I can bring them to mind before the debate starts.
GC: I see. Well, thank you sir. Hmmmm . . . oh, look, its Newt Gingrich. And who is that young woman with him? Must be his granddaughter. Oh, Mr. Speaker . . . do you have a moment?
Newt: Sure do, George. Good to see yall.
GC: Good to see you, Mr. Speaker. May I ask, sir, what is that you have there?
Newt: These three luggage bags and the four duffle bags? I like to call all of these my baggage, George. I carry it with me everywhere I go. Pretty spiffy, huh?
GC: Yes, it is, sir. And you certainly appear to have a lot of it. Will you be carrying it with you into the 2012 campaign?
Newt: Sure will, George. Dont have much choice, if you know what I mean. (chuckling) Here you go, Valerie. Why dont you run over to Nordstroms and get yourself a little something nice to wear at beddy-time while I run through this debate.
GC: Who is that, sir?
Newt: (winking) My personal secretary, George. Goes with me everywhere. Isnt she a doll?
GC: Hmmmmm . . . yes, sir. Well good luck tonight. We have time for one more interview and . . . yes . . . Ms. Bachman! Do you have a second or two to share with my listeners?
Michelle: Of course, George. So nice to see you tonight.
GC: Well, its nice to see you too. Tell me, Ms. Bachman, how would you classify yourself in this race?
Michelle: Well, George, I am a candidate with spirit - the spirit that has made this country great. Did you know I am from Waterloo, Iowa. A great little town in the Center of this Great Country! Did you know that JOHN WAYNE was from Waterloo also? Thats the kind of spirit I have too - just like him!
GC: Um . . . I dont think John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa, Ms. Bachman. John Wayne GACY was from Waterloo, Iowa. You were aware of that, right? John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer?
Michelle: Oh, excuse me, George, I have to run. They are doing a Sarah Palin look-alike contest over there and I wanted to get into it before the debate actually begins. Ta, ta for now!
GC: Well, thats about all the time we have for tonight. Sorry I couldnt interview Ron Paul but, then, no one interviews Ron Paul. Until next time, this is George Costanza signing off from the Republican debate in Atlanta, Georgia. Good night everybody.