Enlightened States of America (E.S.A)

Discussion in 'Humor' started by Star, Nov 26, 2012.

  1. Star
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    Star Gold Member

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    Friday, November 2, 2012
    "Dear Red States:
    <snip>
    "We're ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we've decided we're leaving: "Legitimate rape." is almost reason enough!
    "We in the Blue States intend to form our own country and we're taking the other Blue States with us.
    "In case you aren't aware that includes California, New York, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country, The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
    "To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
    "We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
    "We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.
    "You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
    "We get the Statue of Liberty.
    "You get OpryLand.
    "We get Intel and Microsoft.
    "You get WorldCom.
    "We get Harvard.
    "You get Ole' Miss.
    "We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs.
    "You get Alabama.
    "We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.
    "You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
    "Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's we get a bunch of happy families.
    "You get a bunch of single moms.
    "Please be aware that the E.S.A. will be pro choice and anti-war and we're going to want all our citizens back from Afghanistan at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We wish you success in Afghanistan, and possibly Iran as well, but we're not willing to spend our resources in these sorts of pursuits.
    "With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
    "With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
    "We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
    "38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than us lefties.
    "We're taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
    Sincerely,
    Citizens of the Enlightened States of America
    .
     
  2. BallsBrunswick
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    BallsBrunswick Fair and Balanced

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    Can we have strong border patrols so red staters don't jump over into our country and clog up our public services?
     
  3. Two Thumbs
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    Two Thumbs Platinum Member

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    We will keep the Constitution, since you don't care for it anyway.

    Good bye, don't call us when you run out of money, and no you can not stay in our basement for a little bit of rent money.

    seriously, you won't be missed.
     
  4. Two Thumbs
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    Two Thumbs Platinum Member

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    Will you let the country side people leave your nation?

    Or will you force them to stay when you learn you will have to import workers to work the land or import all your food
     
  5. Meathead
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    Meathead Gold Member

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    You take Obama too, and you've got yourself a deal.
     
  6. beretta304
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    beretta304 BANNED

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    Incompetent lazy blue buffoons wouldn't last 3 weeks before they would want to "share the wealth".
     
  7. Unkotare
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    Unkotare Diamond Member

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    You could have just said you were a pretentious, far-left fucking douchebag and left it at that.
     
  8. Stephanie
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    Stephanie Diamond Member Supporting Member

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    notice the site, criminalize conservatism

    quite a bunch of selfish asses eh?

    it's we get, we want, blaa blaa blaa
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  9. beretta304
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    beretta304 BANNED

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    The 1st 5 headlines on Drudge A/O the time of this post:

    LAND OF THE FREE:
    Woman detained for riding manatee...
    Man Jailed Four Days for Recording Cops...
    Company fires 150 employees for not getting flu shots...
    School District Requiring Students To Wear Microchips To Track Every Move...
    Palm scanners in schools, hospitals...
     
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2012
  10. editec
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    editec Mr. Forgot-it-All

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    Bad idea to break up the republic.


    Given how different the cultures are in this nation, I can understand why some people (on both sides) think it's a solution, but I think its a terrible idea, despite those differences.
     

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