Defeated Man Victorious CHICAGOFollowing a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection by exceeding 270 electoral votes. The shell of a man, who won at least 21 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:20 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten mans victory. Moments later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicagos McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters. It is at once a tremendous honor and profoundly humbling to stand again before my fellow citizens, having earned your trust for a second term, said the crushed victor, who successfully carried the crucial swing states of Iowa and Wisconsin and sadly forfeited whatever remaining shred of enthusiasm and passion once drove him. But tonight is not my victory aloneit is also yours. It is a victory for hardworking folks who believe that millionaires should be held to the same rules they are, for students with dreams of college and a brighter future, and for the sick and uninsured who will finally receive the medical care they need. Tonight is a victory for all those who recognize that the truest path to prosperity is through opportunity for all, the utterly lost winner added. The successful candidate, whose mental and spiritual reserves were wiped out in a landslide, thanked his supporters for helping him secure a clear win that roundly trounced his overall sense of optimism and hope. The broken and shattered man also called on the nation to mend its rifts and urged fellow citizens to never tire in [their] pursuit of progress. While we celebrate tonight, we know that the challenges that lie ahead of us are even greater than the ones that lie behind, the victorious man who just spent the past four years of his life being utterly beaten into submission said. But the virtues instilled by our foundersstrength, determination, and moral convictionstill run strong in America today. The defeated mans victory marked a strong rebound for his campaign, which saw a five-point lead in the national polls erased following a poor performance in the first presidential debate in early October. Over the ensuing weeks, however, the beleaguered husk of a person managed to revive his campaign, something he was unable to do with his will, motivation, or spirit. According to aides, the disheartened individual received a phone call from his Republican challenger this evening, in which the former Massachusetts governor is said to have graciously congratulated the beaten man on his victory. More funny at the link.