Apocryphal Adam-and-Eve

Abishai100

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Sep 22, 2013
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This is an apocryphal Christian Adam-and-Eve story meant to symbolize 'values paranoia.'

Should we associate Christian omens with 'evolution failures'?
We certainly make plenty of movies about this subject (e.g., The Bonfire of the Vanities, Congo, Spawn, etc.


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Adam and Eve were blessed human creatures sculpted by God to explore and cherish the fertile Earth. Adam and Eve were given green skin and an unusually large body size to symbolize their connection to God and fertility. Adam and Eve wandered around the various corners of planet Earth and learned about flora and fauna and the dangers of over-indulgence. They were deeply in love and realized they were 'diplomats of genesis.' Everything was going well.

God's first angel, Lucifer, started expressing misgivings about the unlimited power and authority of Adam and Eve. God kept assuring Lucifer that Adam and Eve were green-colored to remind them of their closeness to nature and the humility of creationism, so they would feel a spiritual kinship to the green trees and green grass of Earth. However, Lucifer kept insisting that Adam and Eve were power-filled and would be vulnerable to the temptations of vanity and narcissism.

One day, Lucifer brought up his grievance to a public assembly of angels, and God dismissed his claims and arguments summarily, and Lucifer stormed out in rage. Lucifer decided to rebel against the heavenly authority of God and renamed himself Satan, supreme adversary of God, humanity, and Earth. A handful of angels joined Lucifer in his cause --- those who agreed with his radical approach to genesis reorganization and political reorientation.

Satan visited Adam and Eve one day to test them in their faith and to see if he was right in his hypothesis about their vulnerability to narcissism. Satan disguised himself as a blue bird and landed on a tree next to where Eve was sitting to take a rest. Satan whispered in to Eve's ear and asked her what she thought about her green-colored skin.

SATAN: I am a simple blue-bird, but you're a beautiful green-colored woman, no?
EVE: I suppose I'm beautiful, though my green skin makes it difficult to separate me from nature.
SATAN: That's right. The tree leaves are green and the grassy valleys of Earth are green.
EVE: What are you implying?
SATAN: I'm simply a messenger from God here to ask you, "Are you happy in your skin?"
EVE: I suppose things could be better, but Adam and I are pleased with what God gave us.

When Eve went to Adam, he told her about what the 'blue-bird messenger' of God told her. Adam looked troubled but agreed with his wife that their green-colored skin made it difficult to separate them 'taxonomically' from the green trees and green grass valleys of Earth. Adam wondered if God should have given them blue-colored skin, so as to connect them 'artistically' with the sky and water rater than the grass and trees and vegetation.

When God visited Adam, Adam presented God with water-color paintings of blue skies and blue waters and demanded to know why God didn't give him and his wife blue-colored skin. God was enraged and wanted to know who put the idea into his head that blue-colored skin would have been preferable. Adam explained that his wife Eve was visited by a mysterious 'messenger' who suggested that green-colored skin would make them too obsessed with the fertility of the green grass valleys and vegetation of planet Earth.

God sent his warrior-archangel Michael to subvert the anti-establishmentarian agenda of Lucifer/Satan. Michael charged Satan with disruption of the peace and the public good and with the dissemination of treasonous ideas such as the alteration of natural chemical colors of Adam and Eve. Lucifer/Satan was humiliated and fled from Michael but vowed to prove his theory: "Adam and Eve will one day turn to violence!"

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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bonfire_of_the_Vanities_(film)


The Bonfire of the Vanities (Film)



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The Slime Pit of Love

Isn't it funny that industrialization has come hand-in-hand with eco-decay storytelling (e.g., The Toxic Avenger)?

Maybe humanity is headed towards a Great Tribulation in a 'post-industrialization sewer.'


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The Chess Pit


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The Apocalypse was approaching and Adam and Eve were allied to the Cossacks of Russia who were radical Catholics assisting the Chechnyan rebels in a nuclear war against Motherland Russia. Eve was worried that Adam has become too obsessed with war, but her husband assured her that the symbolic quality of the cause justified any level of excited vigilance. Adam had started calling himself The Vigilante, determined to understand how the 'everyday man' could bring revolution and clarity to conditions of conflict and political ambition.

Satan watched the whole thing and was interested to see how the Apocalypse would draw in his rival, the archangel Michael. Michael believed that Adam was on a voyage and simply needed guidance, while Satan insisted that any kind of socio-political intrigue in Eden could be levied with due diligence so as to avoid the terrible expected onslaught characteristic of an apocalyptic battle. Mostly, Michael was interested to see why Adam was calling himself 'The Vigilante.' Satan joked that vigilantism was simply a synonym for 'fantasy.'

The Russian army was led by a tyrant-like general named Ivan who believed that cold Machiavellian extermination of any rebellion was the key to sanity. Ivan was an atheist and did not believe in any suggestion that the comic nuclear war was a true sign of the Apocalypse. Adam was obsessed with meeting and understanding Ivan and perhaps even challenging him to a terrific chess match. God watched the whole thing from above and concluded that if Adam won such a chess match, peace-negotiations could ensue.

Eve made a special secret contract with the American male chess grand-master Bobby Fisher and requested he observe any possible chess match between her husband Adam and the Russian general Ivan and take spiritual notes for God. Bobby agreed to do so, believing that such a mission would cement humanity's stand as faithful witnesses to the Apocalypse, especially since chess was fundamentally an expression of nonviolent 'stratagem.' Fortunately, Satan was able to arrange the perfect chess match between Ivan and Adam, and it would take place on the hills of a city in Jerusalem called Megiddo.

Adam sat down to a very fancy marble chess board across from Ivan. The two greeted each other. Adam explained he was a spiritual man investigating the journalistic aspects of the Russian-Chechnyan war and how it reflected the signs of the Apocalypse. Ivan stated he was a 'diplomat' of socio-political analytics and that the Apocalypse was a farce. The two agreed that if the chess match was a success, there would be further talks about nonviolent approaches to spiritual conflict and political turmoil (since chess is a symbol of safe stratagem.).

Adam won the chess match in a best of 7 series, capturing the trophy 4-3. Adam won Game 7 in an astounding upset in which he used his queen and bishop to upstage Ivan's bishop, queen, and two rooks. Since Adam won, Ivan agreed to publish the results of the game to the press, and Satan disguised himself as a reporter and collected the notes for the media. God remarked that the game was a good example of human imagination and could be used as leverage to avoid the undesirable quality of the Apocalypse (the violence, the risk, the terror, the power struggles, etc.).

Satan was pleased with the result but knew that Eve made a special request to American chess-master Bobby Fisher to take notes about the Adam-Ivan match for the press. Satan stole Fisher's notes and handed them to the producers of the American vigilantism television series "Lucifer" (Fox TV) who re-presented the Adam-Ivan chess match as a totem of Apocalypse-avoidance 'smarts.' Everyone remarked that if Adam and Eve were to find happiness with the results of this 'Apocalypse quieting chess match,' they would have to understand the relationship between war and television.

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Lucifer (TV Series)

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Doorway to Hell?


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Why was Eve a movie fanatic? Eve was evil, and she knew it (and resented God for it). She wanted to make trouble in a quiet suburban neighbourhood in Virginia (USA). She took a job as a housekeeper/house-sitter/babysitter and was employed by four households with overworked housewives whose stockbroker husbands came home late at night. Eve worked as their nanny, and one of the neighbors (a teenage girl named Alice) suspected Eve was having adulterous affairs with the stockbroker husbands when they came home late at night finding her waiting for them (house-sitting) as the wives slept.

Alice decided to make a stand. She opened a summer lemonade stand in the neighbourhood and used it to promote community spirit (the stand was managed by the neighborhood's children and Alice). Eve noticed the 'bubbly' effect the lemonade-stand was having on the neighbourhood and started fuming at God. Alice realized she was winning when Eve pulled off a diabolical deed --- she managed to gain the favors of the local police when she began sleeping with a number of cops. Suddenly, the cops did patrols in the summer evenings to ensure the kids who manned the lemonade-s went home for curfew early.

Eve was back-on-top and master-of-the-game. What she did not realize, however, was that her sinful calculations effectively opened up the Nine Gates to Hell. Everyone in the neighborhood was in a panic over the fact that Eve's sinful behaviors had made all the people slightly 'on-the-edge' about suburban American values. God was enraged that humanity was casually experimenting with free will with little concern for ethics evaluation discussions. Alice was horrified when she learned that one of the housewives committed suicide after discovering her unfaithful husband's unscrupulous indiscretions with Eve.

Satan rose to heaven to challenge God on behalf of Eve who was still rebellious towards God. Satan accused Eve of cynicism and that her personal choice to become a 'trouble-maker' canonized her species as naturally rebellious. Satan then requested God grant him license to cajole and court Adam and Eve and see if he could lead them towards a new manmade atheistic governance philosophy, and God had no choice but to grant him permission. When Eve asked God why He allowed Satan to make her and Adam pawns in his 'morality experiment,' God replied, "You started gambling with the figurative Lake of Fire!"

Eve decided to start working for Netflix, and she made penance by recommending values-centric movies to customers who chatted with her as an online sales representative. One customer asked her, "Are you happy advertising Hollywood (USA) movies?" to which she replied, "Of course!" However, this same customer then asked her eerily, "Don't you find Hollywood (USA) as confusing as any barren wasteland?" and Eve asked, "Why are you asking me this strange pseudo-philosophical question?" The customer replied, "I am Satan, and I still accuse you of 'civilization conspiracy.'"

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The Ninth Gate [1999] - Film Review on Christian Forum



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