Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
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- #1
We all know about the Nephilim legend. Fallen angels are said to have come to earth and coupled with human women. Their offspring were large, hairy giants. They were abhorrent monstrosities whose very existence mocked God and His creation. These hybrid creatures were the Nephilim. Much is made about these giants being the genesis of Sasquatch.
Personally, I do not subscribe to this theory. However, it is irrefutable that giant human-like bones have been discovered around the world. Like Bigfoot, there are many stories about giants that have been passed down through generations.
One night while talking to my Uncle Roy on the phone the subject of Nephilim came up. My Uncle never ceases to surprise and amaze me. Roy has actually seen the Nephilim and battled them. Over the course of several nights and conversations, Roy told me his story. I then did quite a bitch of research to verify Roy’s story. I was both excited and disturbed by what I found. The Nephilim are real. Roy’s story is confirmed.
What follows is my transcription of Uncle Roy’s recounting of his experiences with the Nephilim. But it is complicated by the politics of the time. Much went on to lead Roy to these mythical beasts. Please keep in my that these events I am about to share with you took place during the Cold War.
Here is Roy’s story. I try to keep it in Roy’s words in order to preserve authenticity. Please be advised that my Uncle Roy can be rather crude at times.
“Well, sir, it wuz bout 1980, I reckin. Me and my old buddy, Alabaster “Cooter” McKindley, wuz a’sittin by the fire round midnight on my homestead, reciting dark incantations and performing sum real complex ritualistic chants in an ancient language in an attempt to summon Lucifuge from Hell. All of a sudden, our summoning was rudely interrupted by the sound of a helicopter. The motherfucker wuz a’flyin real low over the trees, and wuz goin back and forth, like it wuz huntin’ fer some damn thang!”
“I told Cooter it must be the goddamned revenuers, and that we had to get my shine stash outa thar. Ususally I wouldn’t stash a whole entire run at my cabin like this. But this wuz a special run I wuz holdin’ back fer a special buyer. He wuz so special in fact that I do the delivery myself, in person.”
“So old Cooter and me high-tailed it to my shed to retrieve my product. But we wuz stopped by the crashing sound coming down through the trees around us. Cooter sed ‘Shit, Roy, they is parachuting through the trees!! They am right on top of us!!’ I turned to old Cooter and sed ‘Slide yer goddamn Tampon In, boy, cuz we’uns am gonna hafta Fight!’ I opened up my gun box in the shed and handed a full-auto Russian AK-47 to Cooter. I grabbed the M-60 and a few ammo belts. I sed ‘Let’s go!’, and off we went to take up defensive positions.”
“Old Cooter wuz right. They wuz right on top of us. To my right I saw 2 heavily armed men sneaking around my old chicken house. I took off after them, from behind and I’m in stealth mode. I wuz not ready fer everyone to know what wuz up, so I grabbed my suppressed .22 Magnum pistol. I snuck up behind the both of them like a cat. I seen whar they both wuz wearin’ helmets. I thunk to myself ‘Damn revenuers is a gettin fancy.’ I prepared to take ‘em out.”
“Not wanting to risk a penetration fail, I took aim on the back of the first one’s neck, right on his cervical spine. The suppressed shot emitted a soft ‘Thhhhhuuuff’. The bullet hit the mark and the first one was down. The man in front swung around on me, his gun raised. I simply moved my aim slightly to the left and ‘Thhhhhhuff’. The bullet entered his left eye and he dropped to the ground, deader than dead.”
“I advanced and examined the bodies. They both wore fatigues and what appeared to be military issue boots. The guns were serious shit. These boys were no state revenuers. They was soldiers. But sumthang still wuz not right. The first one I shot wuz laying over on his side. I kicked him over with my boot then shined my light on him. There it wuz!! That insignia. This wuz bad....REAL BAD! These boys are Soviet soldiers!!! And they have raided my compound!! “
“I would be a’lyin to ya if’n I said I wuz not concerned. In fact, I wuz downright panicked. Ya see, we wuz right smack dab in the middle of the Cold War. If Soviet troops are operating inside our borders, then this is WWIII stuff! What the fuck wuz going on?!?”
“Just then Old Cooter came up, all panicked. He sed ‘Sheeyit, Roy!! These boys are SOLDIERS! I didn’t sign up fer this. I mean, sure, I’ll tangle with the goddamn revenuers, but .... SOLDIERS!!!’ I whirled around and bitch slapped Old Cooter. WHAP!!!! I sed ‘Now listen here, Cooter! These here are Ruskies, and they is invading MY PROPERTY! Now you shut yer pussy mouth and quit acting like a faggot! You is either in this here fight er yer dead. You understand, asshole?’ Cooter sheepishly nodded his head. Then I bitch slapped him agin. WHAP!!!!! Cooter sed ‘I’m in, I’m in!!!!’ I nodded curtly, and then we proceeded around the chicken house.”
“As Cooter and me cleared the chicken house and got in view of my cabin, a big old flood light hit my homestead. Then over a loud speaker came this here calm voice speaking with a heavy Russian accent, ‘Comrade Roy, show yourself. It is I, Boris.’ I stopped in my tracks. I had heard that voice before, but I could not quite place it. The loud speaker voice continued, ‘Comrade Roy, this is Boris. We are not going to hurt you.’ I knew this old trick. I yelled out ‘FUCK YOU, COMMIE!’”
“After a brief pause, the voice on the loud speaker sed, ‘Roy, it is Boris. Remember? Cambodia? I advised your Platoon in Cambodia.’ Of course, I did not believe a word this Russkie pecker wuz a’sayin. I yelled out ‘EAT SHIT AND DIE, YOU PINKO FAGGOT!!!’ The Russian was clearly getting agitated, you could hear it in his voice, ‘Goddamn it, Roy! IT IS ME....BORIS. You have got to remember ME! I came on this very dangerous mission to find you because I need you again.’”
“Then I remembered old Boris. He wuz an officer in the Soviet Red Army, a real dirty motherfucker who played all sides. He somehow ended up in Cambodia back in my service days during the Nam war. He wuz supposed to be agin us, but ended up providing us with sum valuable intel during our excursion into that hell hole, Cambodia. Of course, you could never really be sure of his motivations.”
“Agin, Boris came over the loud speaker, ‘Comrade Roy, I have given my men the command not to shoot. You will not be harmed, I assure you. I just want to talk to you.’ It sure sounded like Boris, but I had to be sure.”
“I yelled out ‘If’n what you say is true, and you is Boris from Cambodia, then tell me about “The White Swan”. Do you remember that? Because the Boris I know would remember it.’ There was a silence, followed by the voice on the loud speaker saying ‘Uh, Roy, we probably should not talk about that right now. That is private.’ I wuz not convinced.”
“I sed ‘Boris could tell me about “The White Swan”. If you can’t tells me bout it, then you ain’t Boris and I ain’t a’gonna show myself. You will have to kill me. Hell, I have already kilt 2 of yer men!’ That got the Russian royally pissed. He shouted over the loud speaker ‘TWO OF MY MEN?? DEAD???? ROY, YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH!!!! I WILL BURN ALL THESE WOODS DOWN WITH YOU IN THEM!!!!!’ I chuckled to myself.”
“Right then a big old Sasquatch let out the most God-awful, and deafening roar you ever did hear. I guess all the commotion here in Sasquatch Hollar got it all stirred up. I heard the Russkie over the loud speaker say in a muffled and shaken voice say ‘Holy Hell! What was THAT?!?!’ I yelled out ‘You hear THAT, asshole? That’s one of my critters! They make them thar rock apes look like faggot figure skaters!!!’ Then I overheard a Russian feller say ‘Almasty!’”
“The Russian continued, “Look, Roy, we have got to work this out. How can I convince you that I am Boris?’ I yelled ‘I already dun told you how. Get the pig shit outa yer ears, dumbass!!’ Another pause. Then a sigh.”
“Finally, The Russian said, ‘Yes, The White Swan. I remember it. It wuz in a village. You and I went there and drank together.’ I yelled out ‘What else did we do there?’ A pause. Then the voice sed ‘Roy, this ... uh... is not the time or place.’ I responded, ‘Ok then, you commie faggot, prepare to die!’ As if on cue, that old Sasquatch let out another very loud, blood curdling roar.”
“The Russian on the loud speaker continued, ‘We drank Singapore Slings and then we selected a couple native girls and had sex with them in the back room.’ It wuz starting to become apparent that this guy wuz, in fact, Boris from Cambodia. But still, I had to be sure.”
“I called out to the Russkie, ‘Who blew their load first, you er me?’ The Russian sternly said ‘Roy don’t’ I asked him agin who blew their load first. The Russian correctly stated that I, Roy, had nutted first. I then asked him where my load landed. Silence. I could feel the level of shame rising tenfold in the Russian’s voice when he sed ‘Please, Roy, don’t.’ But I would not let it lie. I yelled ‘Tell me what happened er this here is not happening!’”
“Well, sir, that old Russkie broke down. He angrily barked ‘You blew your load first! You said it was so dark and we were so drunk that you mistook me for Ming Lee. You thought you were blowing your load on her face, but instead you blew it all over my face. So THERE! I said it. I finally said it. Are you happy now, you sick bastard?’ In the silence that followed you could hear all the snickering and laughing that came from the surrounding woods from Boris’ men. Then Boris yelled at them to shut up or he would put a bullet in each one of their heads.”
“After I quelled my own laughter I yelled out to Boris, ‘One more question for ya. What happened to The White Swan after you cleaned the jizz out of your eyes?’ Again, more snickering from the woods. Then Boris got back on the loud speaker and sed ‘You and I gunned down every living thing in that dive bar, then burned it to the ground. You, Roy, then called in an air strike that destroyed the entire village in a hellish firestorm. Families died. Everyone died. We then returned to the outpost.’ Yep, it was Boris. Good old Boris from Cambodia!”
“I walked out into the light around my cabin. Like a total pussy, old Cooter stayed hidden. I yelled ‘Boris!! Git yer ass out here so I can see ya.’ Presto!! There he were. We walked toward each other, and shook hands. Boris said ‘Goddamn it, Roy, you are still the same sick asshole I remember from Cambodia.’ I sed, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, Boris, you got fatter than hell!!’ Boris roller his eyes, but it wuz true. He turned into a fat fucking fat-fuck.”
“After exchanging some pleasantries, I got serious. I sed ‘Boris, what the fuck? You ain’t supposed to be here. You is invading the sovereign United States Of America with Soviet soldiers. This is WWIII, Launch the ICBMs territory. What in the fuck are you doing HERE?!?’ Boris nodded, signaling that an explanation would be forthcoming.”
“Boris took my arm and led me away from his soldiers. He the spoke to me in a low, urgent manner, ‘Roy, you may know, the Soviet Army has invaded Afghanistan. The uppity rebel pigs need to be cleaned.’ I told Boris I was aware of the operation.”
“Boris said that he expects the operation to be long and difficult. The terrain is mountainous and full of caves in which the enemy hides. Boris sed they wuz having a hard time in the area. Then, Boris let the cat out of the bag. He sed ‘Roy, are you familiar with the Nephilim?’ I nodded, then sed ‘Long ago sum uv them thar heavenly angels wuz cast outa heaven and came down to earth. The angels fucked sum of them thar human bitches. Sum of them got knocked up by that thar Angel jizz and popped, birthing a half human creature. This hybrid creature be known as Nephilim. They is big, ugly hairy thangs. They is GIANTS.’ Boris nodded in agreement with my assessment.”
“Boris sed, ‘Roy, you may not believe this, but the Nephilim survive to this day, I have seen them.’ I sed ‘I bet you have, son! Them Nephilim giants live in the caves in those mountains in Afghanistan. If’n you are sending yer men in those caves chasing mujahideen, then you are sure to run into the giants. They live in peace with the local tribes. But send a bunch of hostile soldiers in there and the Nephilim would most likely react by going into a murderous rage directed at the invaders.’ Boris simply nodded as he looked off into the distance. Clearly, I had hit the nail on the head.”
“I looked at Boris and asked him why he was here. Boris sed ‘Roy, I need you there with me. I know you are a master with these Sasquatch beasts. I saw you first hand rip a family of rock apes limb to limb. You know them. You take them. You can kill them. There is nobody better I can think of than you for this mission. I would not involve you unless I was desperate. The Nephilim are ripping my men to pieces. Moscow does not understand. They do not want to hear about problems. They only want results.’”
“I sed, well fuck, Boris, I ain’t never tackled one of them thar Nephilim. I ain’t rightly sure they is even related To Sasquatch. So I don’t know what help I can be.’ Boris asked if I could Kill one. I sed ‘Well, fuck yeah I could! Being big jest means they fall harder!’ Boris smiled.”
“But there wuz another, bigger problem. I told Boris that I could not fight fer the Soviets. ‘Shit, man, that would be treason! I bleed the good old red, white and blue. There is no way in hell I could align myself with the Soviet commies!’, I sed.”
“Boris sed ‘You would not be fighting for us. You would an independent contractor assisting us in the capacity of a consultant regarding indigenous creatures.’ I thought ‘Hmmmmmmmm....’ I knew where this is headed. I sed ‘$1 million American dollars for 2 weeks of work.’”
“Boris sed That was a pretty steep asking price, so I told him to pack his shit and leave. Boris reconsidered, then offered to pay me $1 million when the job is done. I countered with $1 million NOW for 2 weeks of my time. Boris objected, saying ‘The mountains are vast and treacherous. This will take weeks.’ I looked the commie prick in the eye and sed ‘It will take 2 weeks.’”
“So we finally reached an agreement. They paid me 1/2 of my fee up front, and the balance would be paid at the end of the job. Fer ever week over 2 weeks, they add an extra $50,000.00 to my pay.”
“I told Boris I needed to grab sum shit, like guns, explosives, and H. Boris sed to make it quick because we are moving out tonight. Just then old Cooter came ambling up. Boris looked at me, and I gave him a nod. I looked at Cooter and sed ‘Cooter, I is leavin you in charge of the compound while I gonna be gone. Right now I need fer you to turn around and go fetch them dead commies we up and kilt. Jest drag em on up here.’ So Cooters turns to walk back to the chicken shed. With Cooter facing away from me, I drew my sidearm, a Smith .44 magum revolver and capped old Cooter right in the back of his head. Pieces splattered ever which a way, like shooting a pumpkin.”
“I gathered my shit and wuz ready to go in 5 minutes. We loaded onto the chopper and lifted off. I asked Boris where we wuz a’going. He said we will rendezvous with a jet that will take us over the ocean, stop for re-fueling in Turkey, and then proceed to the theater of operations in Afghanistan, where we will land at a friendly field. Boris told me to take a nap, and that I would be woke up in Turkey. So I jest decided to do that, both fer sum shut eye and so Incould take sum time to reflect of the Nephilim. “
“Now, when I told Boris I had not actually battled a genuine Nephilim, I was not being honest. Back in the service I got sent all over creation on orders to seek and destroy all sorts of creepy shit. Most of the time it was just bullshit. But a handful of times it was the real deal. I had been dispatched numerous times in the USA to eliminate Sasquatch and Sasquatch-like Monsters, such as the So-called Dogman, which is really jest a goddamn werewolf. Then in the mid 1970s, I was sent on a joint mission with the Soviets to penetrate a dense forest in Kazakhstan and neutralize a giant. It was said to look pretty much human except it was huge, stood over 15’ tall, and was very muscular. It wuz terrorizing local town folk.”
“Me and my companions and guides staked out a farm in rural Kazakhstan in the vicinity of recent sightings. This here critter had been invading farms and stealing critters fer food. This particular farm had a lot of sheep on it. We took deep cover in and around the field and animals fer days without a cotton pickin’ thang a’happening.”
“Then one night, one moonless night, with morale sinking, we were in position. We started hearing heavy foot falls coming through the forest in our direction. We all went on high alert and readied our guns. Whatever it wuz, it wuz just a’crashing through the forest and the brush like a bull in heat! Periodically I would catch a tree moving unnaturally, like it wuz being pushed aside. Then finally we saw what it wuz.”
“Out of the brush came the biggest fucking jungle man I ever did see. I speculate it must have been 15-16’ tall, minimum. It wore only a loin cloth, I guess to cover up it junk. Its head was covered in hair, long hair. He looked like David Coverdell in the “Still Of The Night” video, except fer the loin cloth and the excessive size. It reminded me of a huge, oversized cave man. One thang fer sure, the word “Giant” definitely describes the creature.”
“Well, Sir, we opened up on that thar giant caveman thang. That’s when that fucker went and got furious on us. It’s like it didn’t even feel our bullets chewing up its flesh. It grabbed Sanchez by his waist and ripped him in half. Then it grabbed good old Tyrone, and ripped his head clean off!”
“I jumped on the BAR and started spewing high-powered lead right in that fucker’s face. Now THIS, it felt, cuz I blasted its eyeballs plum outa its head. The beast started snarlin’ and thrashing and howling up a storm. A couple bazooka blasts then sheered off the rotten thang’s legs at the knees, and it went down.”
“But even though the giant wuz down, it twernt out. We tried to jump on it and shoot it point blank. This wuz a mistake. The fact is, them puny lil 5.56x45 cartridges in our M16 rifles weren’t strong enough to penetrate the skin. The next one to bite it wuz old Gonzalez. The Giant grabbed him by the legs, held him upside down, and with one leg in one hand and the other leg in its other hand, it ripped poor old Gonzalez in half lengthwise. It wuz a terrible sight!”
“One Of The Russkies called in an airstrike, but it wuz 15 minutes out. We had to hold our position against the thang for a few minutes then bail. Five more men died, including old Big Wang from Da Nang, who wuz raped to death and beyond by the monster.”
“Finally, word came and we high tailed it outa thar. The bombers came in low and delivered their payloads. Afterward, we searched the area for traces of the critter, but we could not find shit. We jest assumed air support took it out. We wuz then promptly recalled by the powers that be, seeing how we had been decimated.”
“I woke up to Boris standing over me. I sed, ‘Where the fuck are we at, you commie bastard?’ I then reached fer a cigar and readied it fer lighting. Boris looked displeased. He sed, ‘We just landed in Turkey. You can’t smoke on the plane Roy. Don’t light that up. We need to talk.’”
“I lit my cigar up. Boris grimaced. I sed ‘Boris, you is a cock sucking piece of commie shit. You know that? You KNOW I have fought a Nephilim before, don’t you?’ Boris smiled and sed ‘Of course I do. KGB Intel Roy.’ Then I sed ‘Then you know the kill wuz never confirmed. You know that critter decimated us. The only way to kill one is to pull it out into the open and bomb the ever loving shit outa it.’”
“I continued, asking Boris ‘Why do you need me? You can lure those fuckers out and bomb them.’ Boris shook his head no. ‘That has been tried. There is much you do not understand, Roy.’ I told Boris he better git started talkin or I wuz gonna get busy kicking his sorry ass.”
“Boris sat down and started talking. ‘Roy, these Nephilim and your Sasquatch are related. They are very related, intimately. Between the two of these creatures, the Sasquatch is the master, and the Nephilim is the servant.’ I asked ‘What the fuck are you yapping about, Boris?’ Boris continued, ‘Roy, you have to listen to what I am about to tell you with an open mind. When I am finished I will provide you with documentation of what I say.’ I nodded.”
“Boris laid it out fer me. He claimed that Bigfoot wuz sent to this planet by space aliens. They were to recon the earth and human beings. Eventually, they would infiltrate society and take over the planet to make way fer an all-out alien invasion.”
“But them bigfoot were jest too fucking scary to infiltrate society. What happened was that the aliens fucked up. They made a composite creature representing a little bit of every living thing on earth. Little did they know that the product of this, The Sasquatch, was going to appear to humans as monsters. So the aliens ordered them into hiding.”
“The Sasquatch people did not like that shit, and they wanted to please their alien masters. So they started genetically engineering critters composed of human and Sasquatch DNA. The result was the Nephilim. This, of course, wuz another major fuck up, as the Nephilim are monsters too. They is also fucking retarded, by human measure. But their masters are the Sasquatch that created them. The Nephilim abide by the desire of the Sasquatch with intense loyalty.”
“Boris left me fer a moment, then returned with a brief case. He sed ‘Roy, its all here. In this briefcase you will find documentation of what I have been telling you. This entire cryptic paradigm is the result of an alien conspiracy to take over our planet. Read the contents of this brief case carefully. We will talk again when we arrive in Afghanistan.’”
“Well, after Boris left me alone, I heard the engines on the plan a’revving and preparing to take off. I started sifting through the contents of the brief case. It was all there. Though, sum of it wuz in Russian and thar wuz a lot of redactions. But what Boris sed wuz supported by the documents. Space aliens created Sasquatch, then Sasquatch created the Nephilim. Once I had seen enough, I laid back, closed my eyes, and reflected on the situation. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep.”
“I woke up to Boris saying my name and standing over me. I punched him square in the nards fer sneaking up on me like that. After he regained his composure, he said we had landed in Afghanistan. He said we needed to get to work. He then asked if I had read the contents of the brief case. I nodded that I had. ‘Any questions?’, asked Boris.”
“I sed, yeah, I gots me a question. How fucking stupid do you think I is? You thank that jest cuz I live up in the hills like a hermit that I am dumb, you sumbitch? Yeah, I read that bullshit. Then I stuffed it all back in thar and took a shit in the brief case. You know why? Because it is all garbage!’ Upon opening the briefcase, the foul look of disgust on Boris’ face confirmed that he had seen and smelled my wet, steaming turds inside.”
“Boris became infuriated with me. He said ‘That was years of official research...and you defecated on it?!? What is fucking wrong with you, Roy?!? I am going to put you to death by firing squad, RIGHT NOW!!’ Boris always walks around like he is bleeding out his pussy, so I was unconcerned. He’s a real schmuck. So I walked up to him and stood that fer a moment looking into his raging eyes.”
“Recognizing That old Boris wuz jest a yankin my chain, and that the briefcase was all about power, I knew I had to take definitive action. So I kneed him in his junk, then punched him in his throat, right in his windpipe. Boris went down hard. Then I grabbed the fucker up by his collar with my left hand. In my right hand I held a Smith .44 mag and it was pointed right at his fucking face.”
“The first thang I sed is that if he wants to kill me, then he is going to need a lot more men. Secondly, I told him that his alleged intel is a false flag to keep the KGB running in circles. I told Boris ‘I got the real story from MY government. And I know it’s real because I compiled most of the reports myself! There ain’t no fucking space aliens, and Bigfoot don’t keep Nephilim as pets, you ridiculous ****!’ Then I bitch slapped Boris.”
“Boris is either a slobbering idiot, or he attempted to get intel from me; REAL intel. I don’t think he is an idiot. But he is a sneaky little prick. I said ‘Son, you do not get what I have, ever. If that is your game then I is jest gonna shoot you right here on this plane.’ Boris sed, ‘I do not want your intel. I want YOU, Roy. [I would later find out jest how true this wuz.] You know the text of the ancient incantations that will summon the giants from their caves. We know you have the manuscript. More importantly, you know how to use it.’ Again, it was more shitty intel from the KGB.”
“I sed, ‘You want old Roy to do the dirty work of getting the beasts out in the open, then you hit them from the air?’ ‘Precisely’, said Boris. ‘But we will not be hitting them with standard munitions as in Kazakhstan. No, we have something better planned. We will attack the creatures with missiles fit with tactical nuclear devices. When they crawl out of their lairs, we will destroy both the giants and their underground tunnels that keep them out of sight.’ I had to think on this fer a moment.”
“I sed, ‘well that sounds all well and good, but where you figure old Roy will be when those nukes start going off?’ Looking serious, Boris sed that I would be reciting my incantation over a loud speaker from a heliocopter and that when the strike was near, I, along with the other troops, will be immediately extracted from the area. I nodded. Boris told me we would board trucks and start heading to the mountains very shortly. He suggested that I gather my gear and de-board the plane. Again, I nodded, and Boris left me alone.”
“Clearly, this was a set up. They will need me on the ground, not in some noisy ass chopper to summon the Nephilim. Once they come, I will be a sitting duck. Once they come, extraction would not be feasible because of the danger posed by the giants. The nuclear air strike will be virtually instantaneously when the monsters appear. Old Roy will be sizzled alive.”
“Obviously, approaching Boris with an alternative plan would do no good. He knows what he is doing. He wants no witnesses. That rat fink commie bastard may just be looking fer an excuse to nuke sum poor village cuz he don’t like its name. He gave me what sounded like a feasible plan. But for this reason or that reason the plan will change on the fly. As soon as I get them creatures topside, Boris will immediately call in the air strike with zero extractions. I wuz gonna have to play this bitch jest right!”
“Rule No. 1 in life, son, is this: Never trust a fucking Communist. This goes fer the old guard from the former USSR, Cuba, Venezuela, And China. It also goes fer the millennial generation fuck-ups around today. Commies are fer memories, not allies.”
“Well, Sir, we loaded up our gear on some pieces of shit, aged Soviet army trucks. Real junkers. Then we headed out. Boris wuz tryin to point out landmarks and talk to me about where we wuz goin, but I wuz purty much ignoring him. The trip wuz long and arduous, and the roads were bumpy as shit from a dairy cow. The scenery wuz barren and the natives were sketchy and Muslimy. Afghanistan is truly the capital of Shit-Holeville.”
“Finally, after a rough fucking 10-hour drive through hell, we arrived at our destination: A Soviet camp at the base of the Hindu Kush mountain range. These mountains were really jest pussy hills compared to the good old Appalachians back home. Nonetheless, it wuz sum tough looking terrain. They ain’t the smooth, rounded peaks like back home. No, Sir. These hills were ragged and angry looking, just like the barren countryside and their women. Compared to Sasquatch Hollar, this wuz hell. Plus, there wuz a bunch of swarthy lil Muslims running round in dirty turbans. My trigger fanger wuz a’gittin right itchy.”
“Boris told ever one to eat sum vittles then get sum sleep in the residence tents, We is leaving out at sun-up to take on the Giants. I had already unpacked my guns and decided that I wanted to have sum fun and blow off steam before grub time. I grabbed up my M-60 that I packed and sum ammo belts.”
“Them thar little sheet wearing sand-n*ggers were ever where. Apparently the Commie scum pay them fer doing their laundry and cooking and other menial tasks. Well, I felt it wuz time to liberate these heathen bastards from God’s green earth. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM !!!!!!!!!! I let loose with my M-60 onto those Muslim pricks!! The bullets chewed up them thar brownies like they wuz dog biscuits in a pen of pit bulls! Body parts and plasma wuz jest a flyin!”
“Well this really spooked the Russkies. They all dived for cover and sheltered in place until I wuz dun mowing down those camel fuckers. I stopped firing when I could not find any more sheets to shoot at. Then the commies came out with shocked looks on thar faces. Then came Boris. He charged at me, side arm drawn and pointing at me, demanding to know what I wuz doing.”
“I told Boris, ‘Fuck you, you commie bastard. I wuz jest shootin muslims. What of it? He face grew red. Boris became totally unhinged and wuz shouting at me at the top of his lungs about this and that. During mid rant I took my right hand and performed a back-handed bitch slap on Boris, knocking him on his ass. Knowing how unstable Boris is, I yanked away his sidearm. This got the red army guys upset. They raised their AKs and moved in on me.”
“Now understand here, Boris was a Soviet military intel guy. He did not lead this detachment of soldiers at this base. Colonel Zartok was the commanding officer. Now, with Boris on the ground at my feet, me (a yank) having jest stripped him of his weapon, and the soldiers getting right antsy, we had us a situation.”
“That’s when old Zartok came ambling up. He commanded “STOP! STOP! STOP!!” Then he wanted to know what wuz going on. Boris told him how I turned into a blood-thirsty murderer and killed all those goat herders, then turned my venom on him. Zartok turned to me and sed ‘These are sum grave accusations, Comrade, especially of a guest in this country. But I would be remiss if I failed to allow you to answer. But I will caution you, Comrade Roy, choose your words wisely, as they may be your last.”
“By this point in time your old uncle Roy wuz getting hungry. It had been a LONG trip and I had not had anything to eat er drink the entire time since we left Sasquatch Hollar, save fer sum nips of shine from my flask. I asked Zartok ‘When the fuck are we gonna eat around here?’ Zartok looked perplexed and jest stared at me. Then I asked ‘You got shit in yer ears, commie-rad? When the fuck we eating?!?’ This did not sit well with Zartok. He slowly drew his sidearm, racked a bullet, and point it at my head.”
“I shook my head, as my gaze went to the ground. Then I raised my head and, looking at Zartok eye to eye, sed ‘Look, I killed a bunch of shitty Muslims. Who fucking cares? You Russkies hate them as much as I do, and you have killed scores more than I have. Boris over here is a sketchy pig fucker. You know it, and I know it. He’s a sneaky little fucker. You probably don’t even trust him. So, get off my ass or shoot me. But get to it and stop boring me with your little dick, pissing match, got it?’ Zartok wuz stunned. His mouth was hanging open.”
“Then, suddenly, Col. Zartok burst out laughing. Either he thought I made a funny joke or he is laughing ironically. I don’t know. But I DO know that if a Russkie shows you her pussie, you better check it fer booby traps, cuz you cannot trust a fucking commie.”
“I will also say, to thar credit, Russians are sum tough sumbitches. If one them wants to kick yer ass, he will crawl over hot coals and broken glass to do it. You don’t jest shoot one and leave him fer dead. You got to head shoot that sumbitch, twice. But, fer all their toughness, they is sloppy as shit! Fer example, while all this here drama wuz playing out, not one of them commie assholes ever bothered to take away my M-60. This whole entire time I was jest standing there holding it at my hip.”
“While Zartok wuz making an ass out of himself laughing, I surveyed the rest of the troops. There was bout 20 of ‘em, and only half of them had guns. ‘Fuck it’, I thought. ‘BAM BAM BAM BAK BAM BAM BAM BAM !!!! The barking of machine gun fire from my M-60 wuz fucking glorious!! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!”
“Once nobody else wuz moving I stopped firing. I set down my smoking shootin iron and whipped out my cock. I had been needing to piss fer hours! Ahhhhhh... it felt so good, like my back teeth were floating! When I wuz dun, I put away my wang. Then I pulled out my sidearms, my Colt 1911 .45 ACP. and my Smith .38 revolver. I walked around the camp looking fer survivors to execute. But all I could fine were body parts.”
“Then sumthang struck me as strange. Zartok? Yeah, I kilt that sumbitch. I pretty much cut that fag in half. But... wait..... BORIS!! I knew I had fucked up. I should have tracked down that sneaky fuck first. As if on cue I heard Boris’ voice say ‘Drop the guns, Roy’. Shit.”
“I did as he asked. Boris would shoot his own mama fer looking at him cross. He wuz a real snake. I turned around to find old Fuck-Face holding an AK-47 at his hip and pointed at me. I sighed, and shook my head. I asked ‘What the fuck do you want from me, Boris? Are we gonna Kill sum giants er not?’ Boris wuz pissed and went on and on about how I fucked up his shit by committing mass murder and yada yada. I sed ‘Hey, Fuck-Face, It’s me, Old Collateral Damage Roy. What the fuck did you expect when you recruited me?’”
“Then I flat-out asked Boris: ‘You were gonna set me up, weren’t ya? You wuz gonna put me in harm’s way with those fucking Nephilim, refuse to extract me, then drop nukes, getting rid of both the Nephilim and me. Is that, or is that not, what wuz gonna happen?’ Boris responded ‘Yes.’”
“Then I went on, ‘Now, Boris, why would you want to go do sumthang like that? I’m old Roy, Ya Boy! We are long-time amigos. Don’t you remember Dallas 1963? Don’t ya remember fucking whores and shootin slanty eyes in Cambodia? We go way back, you and me.’ Boris barked at me ‘SHUT UP!!! I will NEVER Forgive you for what you did to me.’ Now this wuz perplexing, cuz I had no fucking idea what Boris wuz talking about.”
“I sed ‘Uh, Boris, old buddy, ya care to tell me what I did to get ya so riled up?’ Boris looked at me and sed ‘YOU KNOW!’ I jest shrugged. I had no clue.”
“Then Boris sed it: ‘The White Swan’. I thought fer a minute then sed, ‘What? We fucked sum Cambodian whores then executed ‘em.’ Again, I shrugged. Then Boris yelled at me ‘You blew your load in my face! Remember?!? It was dark. You thought you were nutting in the whore’s face. But it was ME! You jizzed in MY FACE!!’ “
“I was still confused. I sed ‘You holding a grudge over THAT?!? Jesus Christ, the fuck is wrong with you, Boris?!?’ Then it came out. It came gushing all out in a pathetic towering clusterfuck of deviance and stupidity. Boris sed ‘I love you, Roy.’”
“Boris continued, ‘That night you shot your load on my face, I started having ... feelings. I was confused for a long time. I had odd urges. I was ashamed. I hated myself and wish I would die. Then, I decided to act on my feelings. I began going to gay bath houses. I then I started attending ....’ I had to jump in, ‘WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOAAAAAAAA THERE!!! You need to keep THAT shit to yerself, Boris! If you is a fag, then whatever. But it don’t involve me in any way.’ Boris’ stare grew dark.”
“Boris then accused me, old Roy, of turning him gay! I sed ‘Boris, you is a goddamned fool! I is fucking leaving.’ Boris opened fire with his AK, spraying bullets around my feet. I stopped moving and looked at Boris, saying ‘Ok, Boris. What exactly is it you want me to do? Ya better not say suck yer dick, cuz that ain’t happening, ya faggot!’”
“Boris sed ‘I want you to do the task I brought you here to perform.’ He meant to summon the Nephilim, of course. But why? Boris continued, ‘you and I are going up into those mountains where you shall summon the beasts. Then I am going to watch them tear you into little pieces.’ I sed ‘That seems a little severe over getting a face full of jizz, Boris. Besides, if I summon them thar critters then they will kilt you too, asshole!’”
“Then Boris revealed his plan. We will fly in by chopper piloted by Boris. I would summon the beasts from the ground as Boris hovers overhead. If I cannot summon the Nephilim from their caves and to the surface, then old Boris would gun me down with the cannons mounted on the whirly-bird. If I do summon them, then Boris has a front row seat to watch me get ripped to pieces, after which Boris calls in the air strike. Any way it goes, old Roy was to end up dead, and this entire area will be blasted to Kingdom Come with tactical nuclear weapons. ‘What a pisser’, I thought.”
“Boris told me this plan wuz happening right now. With the barrel of his AK, Boris motioned me to the chopper. I submitted and started walking to the helio pad, with Boris behind me, gun pointing at my back.”
“As we walked I sed ‘Hey, Boris, how does my ass look from back thar? You think you could handle sum of that shit?’ I laughed to myself. I knew Boris must be seething and wanting to shoot me. But he needed me alive for his plan. Then I told Boris that he strikes me as a submissive bottom. Then I asked, ‘So Boris, when I nutted on your face, did you lick yer lips and taste sum real manhood?’ This last comment caused Boris to fire a shot that whistled by my right ear.”
“Then we reached the chopper. I turned to Boris as asked ‘Are ya’ll into twinks? You know, them young looking faggots?’ Boris yelled at me to ‘GET ONBOARD THE CHOPPER!! NOW!!!’ I obeyed him. I boarded and buckled in. It looked like we wuz gonna go on a little plane ride.”
“We took off. Old Boris ran us up the barren looking mountainside and landed us up in front of some spooky looking cave entrances. Boris sed ‘Here we are.’ I asked, ‘Is there here whar ya keep yer butt-fuckin slaves, ya faggot?’ Boris replied, ‘No. This is the lair of the Nephilim.’ Boris explained that I wuz to exit the chopper and summon them Nephilim while he hovered above in the chopper; and if’n I fail, then he is gonna blast me with the canons on the whirly Bird.”
“Boris told me to get out. I sed ‘Sure thing. It smells too much like ass in here to me anyway.’ I stepped out of the chopper. Then, before closing the chopper door I leaned back inside to say one last thing to Boris.”
“As I sed earlier, while these commie ***** are tough as nails, they are sloppy as a 10 dollar whore. Through all this drama Boris neglected to check me fer weapons on my person. So it wuz at this point I reached down to my boot and extracted my Walther PPK, chambered in . 380. I sed To Boris ‘Hey Boris, how bout sucking my balls afore ya leave?’ Boris sneered at me and revved the engine. I then sed ‘Well, if’n ya don’t want to suck my balls, then how about sucking sum lead, asshole?!’ I pulled my PPK and BLAM BLAM!!! I put 2 bullets in the fucker’s head. The chopper shimmied then died. I crawled into the contraption jest to make sure the commie bastard was dead. I then put another bullet in his head to make sure.”
“Well, I ambles over to sum rocks and sat down. I sed to myself ‘Well, shit. Here I am in a total shithole country, insurgents running around everwhar, thick as dildos in a cathouse, my Soviet hosts all dead, and I ain’t got a way outa here. I am stuck on the other side of the world. What the fuck am I gonna do?’”
“I reckoned I best get down off of this mountain and hijack one of them Soviet trucks and try to get to Kabul. Maybe there I can find a phone and try to get out of here. But jest then I heard me a hellacious roar coming from one of them creepy looking caves behind me. ‘Oh fuck, Nephilim. That’s all that’s I need right now’, I thought.”
“I turned my head to look at the cave entrances when I seen me one of them thar Nephilim standing thar. It wuz human lookin, with David Coverdale hair. The only thang it wore wuz a loin cloth. It wuz a’holding a tree log in a way that suggested he wuz gonna use it as a club.”
“Well, Sir, that thar Nephilim motherfucker stood a good 15 feet tall. Like I says, it wuz kinda humanish lookin, but it twere also hairy, like an oily I-Talian. That loin cloth a’coverin up its nethers looked to be mountain goat hides sewn tagether. Yep, I found myself in a real predicament there!”
“Bout then, then caveman lookin thang let out a preternatural howl and charged me! I reached down inta my skivvies to pull out my old hawg laig I stashed away fer jest this kind of situation: an all-American, Sturm Ruger Super Redhawk .44 magum revolver! I pointed it at the rapidly approaching monster and shot from the hip. But nothing happened. I thought “What in the hell is befuddlin ...???”. Then I realized that I mistakenly whipped out my old wang instead of my pistol. “SHIT!”, I sed.”
“So I dropped my Johnson, it hit the ground with a THUD, and found my gun. In the very last moment possible I fired! BAMMMMM!!!!!! I ducked and the beast’s forward moment carried it, tumbling over whar I wuz jest a’standing. My bullet hit its mark: right square on the critter’s dick!”
“That big old Nephilim wuz rolling round on da ground, writhing in pain and holding onto its crotch. I started to walk over to put it outa its misery, and fergot my peter wuz still out. Well, I tripped on my pud and hit the ground. WHUMP! I got up, dusted myself off, rolled up my old thumpin stick, and put it away. Then I walked over to the beast.”
“I shot that sumbitch right through its right eye and kilt it. Ya see, these rascals gots sum real thick skulls. If ya shooting anythang smaller than a fiddy, ya got to shoot it through they eyes if’n your gonna scramble its brains.”
“Fer a good moment er two I thought it wuz over. It weren’t. All that commotion musta stirred up the rest of the Nephilim clan, cuz here they came, outa thar caves. There wuz three of ‘em. The smallest one wuz about 12 feet tall. The biggest were a good 16-17 foot tall. They wuz all grumblin and looked to be in a bad mood. I knew I wuz in sum powerful trouble. There wuz only one thang I could do.”
“I dashed to the chopper, pulled old dead Boris out, dumping his body onto the ground, then saddled up. When I started that old whirly bird’s engine the monsters focused on me and went ape shit. I learnt to fly these sumbitches back in Nam when we used them to slaughter Cong, and villages, and children’s hospitals. Quicker than a bunny I had that bird up in the air. Those swarthy Nephilim wuz a’jumping up at me, like they wuz gonna catch me. Dumbasses!”
“So I circled around and came in balls to the wall, canons a’blastin!! It wuz spectacular! Blood and bone and Nephilim flesh wuz flyin everwhere! I went around fer another run. After the second pass all three of them bastards had been reduced to a puddle of piss, blood, and flesh. They wuz all deader than John Kennedy!”
“I thought to myself that this wuz easy. Fact, it wuz too fukin easy. Them commie bastards could have taken care of this shit on their own with the guns on this chopper. Then the truth hit me. This whole thing... Boris collecting me and taking me out thar. This was ALL Boris’ doing! That sumbitch wuz beside hisself in a fit of homo-faggot rage cuz I went and accidentally spooged on him years ago. “What an asshole”, I sed.”
“I circled that bird around one more time to find Boris’s corpse on the ground then I lit it up with the guns on that Russkie copter. BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!! ....... until thar wuz nuthin left of that queer sumbitch. Now it wuz over. I headed back to the commie camp.”
“Now, when I say I can fly a chopper, I mean it. I jest can’t land one. I crashed that bitch right into the Soviet based camp. They wuz a few natives still hanging around thar, but they all burned up after the crash. Of course, I bailed before the explosion, so I wuz fine. I found me one them Russkie trucks, then headed off to Kabul.”
“After sum nasty diplomatic wrangling bad noise, I managed to catch me a flight to Tel Aviv. They wuz real interested to hear my tale about the Nephilim. I even managed to get me a three-way with a couple of them very hot, very tight Israeli women soldiers. They know how to treat a man!”
Personally, I do not subscribe to this theory. However, it is irrefutable that giant human-like bones have been discovered around the world. Like Bigfoot, there are many stories about giants that have been passed down through generations.
One night while talking to my Uncle Roy on the phone the subject of Nephilim came up. My Uncle never ceases to surprise and amaze me. Roy has actually seen the Nephilim and battled them. Over the course of several nights and conversations, Roy told me his story. I then did quite a bitch of research to verify Roy’s story. I was both excited and disturbed by what I found. The Nephilim are real. Roy’s story is confirmed.
What follows is my transcription of Uncle Roy’s recounting of his experiences with the Nephilim. But it is complicated by the politics of the time. Much went on to lead Roy to these mythical beasts. Please keep in my that these events I am about to share with you took place during the Cold War.
Here is Roy’s story. I try to keep it in Roy’s words in order to preserve authenticity. Please be advised that my Uncle Roy can be rather crude at times.
“Well, sir, it wuz bout 1980, I reckin. Me and my old buddy, Alabaster “Cooter” McKindley, wuz a’sittin by the fire round midnight on my homestead, reciting dark incantations and performing sum real complex ritualistic chants in an ancient language in an attempt to summon Lucifuge from Hell. All of a sudden, our summoning was rudely interrupted by the sound of a helicopter. The motherfucker wuz a’flyin real low over the trees, and wuz goin back and forth, like it wuz huntin’ fer some damn thang!”
“I told Cooter it must be the goddamned revenuers, and that we had to get my shine stash outa thar. Ususally I wouldn’t stash a whole entire run at my cabin like this. But this wuz a special run I wuz holdin’ back fer a special buyer. He wuz so special in fact that I do the delivery myself, in person.”
“So old Cooter and me high-tailed it to my shed to retrieve my product. But we wuz stopped by the crashing sound coming down through the trees around us. Cooter sed ‘Shit, Roy, they is parachuting through the trees!! They am right on top of us!!’ I turned to old Cooter and sed ‘Slide yer goddamn Tampon In, boy, cuz we’uns am gonna hafta Fight!’ I opened up my gun box in the shed and handed a full-auto Russian AK-47 to Cooter. I grabbed the M-60 and a few ammo belts. I sed ‘Let’s go!’, and off we went to take up defensive positions.”
“Old Cooter wuz right. They wuz right on top of us. To my right I saw 2 heavily armed men sneaking around my old chicken house. I took off after them, from behind and I’m in stealth mode. I wuz not ready fer everyone to know what wuz up, so I grabbed my suppressed .22 Magnum pistol. I snuck up behind the both of them like a cat. I seen whar they both wuz wearin’ helmets. I thunk to myself ‘Damn revenuers is a gettin fancy.’ I prepared to take ‘em out.”
“Not wanting to risk a penetration fail, I took aim on the back of the first one’s neck, right on his cervical spine. The suppressed shot emitted a soft ‘Thhhhhuuuff’. The bullet hit the mark and the first one was down. The man in front swung around on me, his gun raised. I simply moved my aim slightly to the left and ‘Thhhhhhuff’. The bullet entered his left eye and he dropped to the ground, deader than dead.”
“I advanced and examined the bodies. They both wore fatigues and what appeared to be military issue boots. The guns were serious shit. These boys were no state revenuers. They was soldiers. But sumthang still wuz not right. The first one I shot wuz laying over on his side. I kicked him over with my boot then shined my light on him. There it wuz!! That insignia. This wuz bad....REAL BAD! These boys are Soviet soldiers!!! And they have raided my compound!! “
“I would be a’lyin to ya if’n I said I wuz not concerned. In fact, I wuz downright panicked. Ya see, we wuz right smack dab in the middle of the Cold War. If Soviet troops are operating inside our borders, then this is WWIII stuff! What the fuck wuz going on?!?”
“Just then Old Cooter came up, all panicked. He sed ‘Sheeyit, Roy!! These boys are SOLDIERS! I didn’t sign up fer this. I mean, sure, I’ll tangle with the goddamn revenuers, but .... SOLDIERS!!!’ I whirled around and bitch slapped Old Cooter. WHAP!!!! I sed ‘Now listen here, Cooter! These here are Ruskies, and they is invading MY PROPERTY! Now you shut yer pussy mouth and quit acting like a faggot! You is either in this here fight er yer dead. You understand, asshole?’ Cooter sheepishly nodded his head. Then I bitch slapped him agin. WHAP!!!!! Cooter sed ‘I’m in, I’m in!!!!’ I nodded curtly, and then we proceeded around the chicken house.”
“As Cooter and me cleared the chicken house and got in view of my cabin, a big old flood light hit my homestead. Then over a loud speaker came this here calm voice speaking with a heavy Russian accent, ‘Comrade Roy, show yourself. It is I, Boris.’ I stopped in my tracks. I had heard that voice before, but I could not quite place it. The loud speaker voice continued, ‘Comrade Roy, this is Boris. We are not going to hurt you.’ I knew this old trick. I yelled out ‘FUCK YOU, COMMIE!’”
“After a brief pause, the voice on the loud speaker sed, ‘Roy, it is Boris. Remember? Cambodia? I advised your Platoon in Cambodia.’ Of course, I did not believe a word this Russkie pecker wuz a’sayin. I yelled out ‘EAT SHIT AND DIE, YOU PINKO FAGGOT!!!’ The Russian was clearly getting agitated, you could hear it in his voice, ‘Goddamn it, Roy! IT IS ME....BORIS. You have got to remember ME! I came on this very dangerous mission to find you because I need you again.’”
“Then I remembered old Boris. He wuz an officer in the Soviet Red Army, a real dirty motherfucker who played all sides. He somehow ended up in Cambodia back in my service days during the Nam war. He wuz supposed to be agin us, but ended up providing us with sum valuable intel during our excursion into that hell hole, Cambodia. Of course, you could never really be sure of his motivations.”
“Agin, Boris came over the loud speaker, ‘Comrade Roy, I have given my men the command not to shoot. You will not be harmed, I assure you. I just want to talk to you.’ It sure sounded like Boris, but I had to be sure.”
“I yelled out ‘If’n what you say is true, and you is Boris from Cambodia, then tell me about “The White Swan”. Do you remember that? Because the Boris I know would remember it.’ There was a silence, followed by the voice on the loud speaker saying ‘Uh, Roy, we probably should not talk about that right now. That is private.’ I wuz not convinced.”
“I sed ‘Boris could tell me about “The White Swan”. If you can’t tells me bout it, then you ain’t Boris and I ain’t a’gonna show myself. You will have to kill me. Hell, I have already kilt 2 of yer men!’ That got the Russian royally pissed. He shouted over the loud speaker ‘TWO OF MY MEN?? DEAD???? ROY, YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH!!!! I WILL BURN ALL THESE WOODS DOWN WITH YOU IN THEM!!!!!’ I chuckled to myself.”
“Right then a big old Sasquatch let out the most God-awful, and deafening roar you ever did hear. I guess all the commotion here in Sasquatch Hollar got it all stirred up. I heard the Russkie over the loud speaker say in a muffled and shaken voice say ‘Holy Hell! What was THAT?!?!’ I yelled out ‘You hear THAT, asshole? That’s one of my critters! They make them thar rock apes look like faggot figure skaters!!!’ Then I overheard a Russian feller say ‘Almasty!’”
“The Russian continued, “Look, Roy, we have got to work this out. How can I convince you that I am Boris?’ I yelled ‘I already dun told you how. Get the pig shit outa yer ears, dumbass!!’ Another pause. Then a sigh.”
“Finally, The Russian said, ‘Yes, The White Swan. I remember it. It wuz in a village. You and I went there and drank together.’ I yelled out ‘What else did we do there?’ A pause. Then the voice sed ‘Roy, this ... uh... is not the time or place.’ I responded, ‘Ok then, you commie faggot, prepare to die!’ As if on cue, that old Sasquatch let out another very loud, blood curdling roar.”
“The Russian on the loud speaker continued, ‘We drank Singapore Slings and then we selected a couple native girls and had sex with them in the back room.’ It wuz starting to become apparent that this guy wuz, in fact, Boris from Cambodia. But still, I had to be sure.”
“I called out to the Russkie, ‘Who blew their load first, you er me?’ The Russian sternly said ‘Roy don’t’ I asked him agin who blew their load first. The Russian correctly stated that I, Roy, had nutted first. I then asked him where my load landed. Silence. I could feel the level of shame rising tenfold in the Russian’s voice when he sed ‘Please, Roy, don’t.’ But I would not let it lie. I yelled ‘Tell me what happened er this here is not happening!’”
“Well, sir, that old Russkie broke down. He angrily barked ‘You blew your load first! You said it was so dark and we were so drunk that you mistook me for Ming Lee. You thought you were blowing your load on her face, but instead you blew it all over my face. So THERE! I said it. I finally said it. Are you happy now, you sick bastard?’ In the silence that followed you could hear all the snickering and laughing that came from the surrounding woods from Boris’ men. Then Boris yelled at them to shut up or he would put a bullet in each one of their heads.”
“After I quelled my own laughter I yelled out to Boris, ‘One more question for ya. What happened to The White Swan after you cleaned the jizz out of your eyes?’ Again, more snickering from the woods. Then Boris got back on the loud speaker and sed ‘You and I gunned down every living thing in that dive bar, then burned it to the ground. You, Roy, then called in an air strike that destroyed the entire village in a hellish firestorm. Families died. Everyone died. We then returned to the outpost.’ Yep, it was Boris. Good old Boris from Cambodia!”
“I walked out into the light around my cabin. Like a total pussy, old Cooter stayed hidden. I yelled ‘Boris!! Git yer ass out here so I can see ya.’ Presto!! There he were. We walked toward each other, and shook hands. Boris said ‘Goddamn it, Roy, you are still the same sick asshole I remember from Cambodia.’ I sed, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, Boris, you got fatter than hell!!’ Boris roller his eyes, but it wuz true. He turned into a fat fucking fat-fuck.”
“After exchanging some pleasantries, I got serious. I sed ‘Boris, what the fuck? You ain’t supposed to be here. You is invading the sovereign United States Of America with Soviet soldiers. This is WWIII, Launch the ICBMs territory. What in the fuck are you doing HERE?!?’ Boris nodded, signaling that an explanation would be forthcoming.”
“Boris took my arm and led me away from his soldiers. He the spoke to me in a low, urgent manner, ‘Roy, you may know, the Soviet Army has invaded Afghanistan. The uppity rebel pigs need to be cleaned.’ I told Boris I was aware of the operation.”
“Boris said that he expects the operation to be long and difficult. The terrain is mountainous and full of caves in which the enemy hides. Boris sed they wuz having a hard time in the area. Then, Boris let the cat out of the bag. He sed ‘Roy, are you familiar with the Nephilim?’ I nodded, then sed ‘Long ago sum uv them thar heavenly angels wuz cast outa heaven and came down to earth. The angels fucked sum of them thar human bitches. Sum of them got knocked up by that thar Angel jizz and popped, birthing a half human creature. This hybrid creature be known as Nephilim. They is big, ugly hairy thangs. They is GIANTS.’ Boris nodded in agreement with my assessment.”
“Boris sed, ‘Roy, you may not believe this, but the Nephilim survive to this day, I have seen them.’ I sed ‘I bet you have, son! Them Nephilim giants live in the caves in those mountains in Afghanistan. If’n you are sending yer men in those caves chasing mujahideen, then you are sure to run into the giants. They live in peace with the local tribes. But send a bunch of hostile soldiers in there and the Nephilim would most likely react by going into a murderous rage directed at the invaders.’ Boris simply nodded as he looked off into the distance. Clearly, I had hit the nail on the head.”
“I looked at Boris and asked him why he was here. Boris sed ‘Roy, I need you there with me. I know you are a master with these Sasquatch beasts. I saw you first hand rip a family of rock apes limb to limb. You know them. You take them. You can kill them. There is nobody better I can think of than you for this mission. I would not involve you unless I was desperate. The Nephilim are ripping my men to pieces. Moscow does not understand. They do not want to hear about problems. They only want results.’”
“I sed, well fuck, Boris, I ain’t never tackled one of them thar Nephilim. I ain’t rightly sure they is even related To Sasquatch. So I don’t know what help I can be.’ Boris asked if I could Kill one. I sed ‘Well, fuck yeah I could! Being big jest means they fall harder!’ Boris smiled.”
“But there wuz another, bigger problem. I told Boris that I could not fight fer the Soviets. ‘Shit, man, that would be treason! I bleed the good old red, white and blue. There is no way in hell I could align myself with the Soviet commies!’, I sed.”
“Boris sed ‘You would not be fighting for us. You would an independent contractor assisting us in the capacity of a consultant regarding indigenous creatures.’ I thought ‘Hmmmmmmmm....’ I knew where this is headed. I sed ‘$1 million American dollars for 2 weeks of work.’”
“Boris sed That was a pretty steep asking price, so I told him to pack his shit and leave. Boris reconsidered, then offered to pay me $1 million when the job is done. I countered with $1 million NOW for 2 weeks of my time. Boris objected, saying ‘The mountains are vast and treacherous. This will take weeks.’ I looked the commie prick in the eye and sed ‘It will take 2 weeks.’”
“So we finally reached an agreement. They paid me 1/2 of my fee up front, and the balance would be paid at the end of the job. Fer ever week over 2 weeks, they add an extra $50,000.00 to my pay.”
“I told Boris I needed to grab sum shit, like guns, explosives, and H. Boris sed to make it quick because we are moving out tonight. Just then old Cooter came ambling up. Boris looked at me, and I gave him a nod. I looked at Cooter and sed ‘Cooter, I is leavin you in charge of the compound while I gonna be gone. Right now I need fer you to turn around and go fetch them dead commies we up and kilt. Jest drag em on up here.’ So Cooters turns to walk back to the chicken shed. With Cooter facing away from me, I drew my sidearm, a Smith .44 magum revolver and capped old Cooter right in the back of his head. Pieces splattered ever which a way, like shooting a pumpkin.”
“I gathered my shit and wuz ready to go in 5 minutes. We loaded onto the chopper and lifted off. I asked Boris where we wuz a’going. He said we will rendezvous with a jet that will take us over the ocean, stop for re-fueling in Turkey, and then proceed to the theater of operations in Afghanistan, where we will land at a friendly field. Boris told me to take a nap, and that I would be woke up in Turkey. So I jest decided to do that, both fer sum shut eye and so Incould take sum time to reflect of the Nephilim. “
“Now, when I told Boris I had not actually battled a genuine Nephilim, I was not being honest. Back in the service I got sent all over creation on orders to seek and destroy all sorts of creepy shit. Most of the time it was just bullshit. But a handful of times it was the real deal. I had been dispatched numerous times in the USA to eliminate Sasquatch and Sasquatch-like Monsters, such as the So-called Dogman, which is really jest a goddamn werewolf. Then in the mid 1970s, I was sent on a joint mission with the Soviets to penetrate a dense forest in Kazakhstan and neutralize a giant. It was said to look pretty much human except it was huge, stood over 15’ tall, and was very muscular. It wuz terrorizing local town folk.”
“Me and my companions and guides staked out a farm in rural Kazakhstan in the vicinity of recent sightings. This here critter had been invading farms and stealing critters fer food. This particular farm had a lot of sheep on it. We took deep cover in and around the field and animals fer days without a cotton pickin’ thang a’happening.”
“Then one night, one moonless night, with morale sinking, we were in position. We started hearing heavy foot falls coming through the forest in our direction. We all went on high alert and readied our guns. Whatever it wuz, it wuz just a’crashing through the forest and the brush like a bull in heat! Periodically I would catch a tree moving unnaturally, like it wuz being pushed aside. Then finally we saw what it wuz.”
“Out of the brush came the biggest fucking jungle man I ever did see. I speculate it must have been 15-16’ tall, minimum. It wore only a loin cloth, I guess to cover up it junk. Its head was covered in hair, long hair. He looked like David Coverdell in the “Still Of The Night” video, except fer the loin cloth and the excessive size. It reminded me of a huge, oversized cave man. One thang fer sure, the word “Giant” definitely describes the creature.”
“Well, Sir, we opened up on that thar giant caveman thang. That’s when that fucker went and got furious on us. It’s like it didn’t even feel our bullets chewing up its flesh. It grabbed Sanchez by his waist and ripped him in half. Then it grabbed good old Tyrone, and ripped his head clean off!”
“I jumped on the BAR and started spewing high-powered lead right in that fucker’s face. Now THIS, it felt, cuz I blasted its eyeballs plum outa its head. The beast started snarlin’ and thrashing and howling up a storm. A couple bazooka blasts then sheered off the rotten thang’s legs at the knees, and it went down.”
“But even though the giant wuz down, it twernt out. We tried to jump on it and shoot it point blank. This wuz a mistake. The fact is, them puny lil 5.56x45 cartridges in our M16 rifles weren’t strong enough to penetrate the skin. The next one to bite it wuz old Gonzalez. The Giant grabbed him by the legs, held him upside down, and with one leg in one hand and the other leg in its other hand, it ripped poor old Gonzalez in half lengthwise. It wuz a terrible sight!”
“One Of The Russkies called in an airstrike, but it wuz 15 minutes out. We had to hold our position against the thang for a few minutes then bail. Five more men died, including old Big Wang from Da Nang, who wuz raped to death and beyond by the monster.”
“Finally, word came and we high tailed it outa thar. The bombers came in low and delivered their payloads. Afterward, we searched the area for traces of the critter, but we could not find shit. We jest assumed air support took it out. We wuz then promptly recalled by the powers that be, seeing how we had been decimated.”
“I woke up to Boris standing over me. I sed, ‘Where the fuck are we at, you commie bastard?’ I then reached fer a cigar and readied it fer lighting. Boris looked displeased. He sed, ‘We just landed in Turkey. You can’t smoke on the plane Roy. Don’t light that up. We need to talk.’”
“I lit my cigar up. Boris grimaced. I sed ‘Boris, you is a cock sucking piece of commie shit. You know that? You KNOW I have fought a Nephilim before, don’t you?’ Boris smiled and sed ‘Of course I do. KGB Intel Roy.’ Then I sed ‘Then you know the kill wuz never confirmed. You know that critter decimated us. The only way to kill one is to pull it out into the open and bomb the ever loving shit outa it.’”
“I continued, asking Boris ‘Why do you need me? You can lure those fuckers out and bomb them.’ Boris shook his head no. ‘That has been tried. There is much you do not understand, Roy.’ I told Boris he better git started talkin or I wuz gonna get busy kicking his sorry ass.”
“Boris sat down and started talking. ‘Roy, these Nephilim and your Sasquatch are related. They are very related, intimately. Between the two of these creatures, the Sasquatch is the master, and the Nephilim is the servant.’ I asked ‘What the fuck are you yapping about, Boris?’ Boris continued, ‘Roy, you have to listen to what I am about to tell you with an open mind. When I am finished I will provide you with documentation of what I say.’ I nodded.”
“Boris laid it out fer me. He claimed that Bigfoot wuz sent to this planet by space aliens. They were to recon the earth and human beings. Eventually, they would infiltrate society and take over the planet to make way fer an all-out alien invasion.”
“But them bigfoot were jest too fucking scary to infiltrate society. What happened was that the aliens fucked up. They made a composite creature representing a little bit of every living thing on earth. Little did they know that the product of this, The Sasquatch, was going to appear to humans as monsters. So the aliens ordered them into hiding.”
“The Sasquatch people did not like that shit, and they wanted to please their alien masters. So they started genetically engineering critters composed of human and Sasquatch DNA. The result was the Nephilim. This, of course, wuz another major fuck up, as the Nephilim are monsters too. They is also fucking retarded, by human measure. But their masters are the Sasquatch that created them. The Nephilim abide by the desire of the Sasquatch with intense loyalty.”
“Boris left me fer a moment, then returned with a brief case. He sed ‘Roy, its all here. In this briefcase you will find documentation of what I have been telling you. This entire cryptic paradigm is the result of an alien conspiracy to take over our planet. Read the contents of this brief case carefully. We will talk again when we arrive in Afghanistan.’”
“Well, after Boris left me alone, I heard the engines on the plan a’revving and preparing to take off. I started sifting through the contents of the brief case. It was all there. Though, sum of it wuz in Russian and thar wuz a lot of redactions. But what Boris sed wuz supported by the documents. Space aliens created Sasquatch, then Sasquatch created the Nephilim. Once I had seen enough, I laid back, closed my eyes, and reflected on the situation. Eventually, I drifted off to sleep.”
“I woke up to Boris saying my name and standing over me. I punched him square in the nards fer sneaking up on me like that. After he regained his composure, he said we had landed in Afghanistan. He said we needed to get to work. He then asked if I had read the contents of the brief case. I nodded that I had. ‘Any questions?’, asked Boris.”
“I sed, yeah, I gots me a question. How fucking stupid do you think I is? You thank that jest cuz I live up in the hills like a hermit that I am dumb, you sumbitch? Yeah, I read that bullshit. Then I stuffed it all back in thar and took a shit in the brief case. You know why? Because it is all garbage!’ Upon opening the briefcase, the foul look of disgust on Boris’ face confirmed that he had seen and smelled my wet, steaming turds inside.”
“Boris became infuriated with me. He said ‘That was years of official research...and you defecated on it?!? What is fucking wrong with you, Roy?!? I am going to put you to death by firing squad, RIGHT NOW!!’ Boris always walks around like he is bleeding out his pussy, so I was unconcerned. He’s a real schmuck. So I walked up to him and stood that fer a moment looking into his raging eyes.”
“Recognizing That old Boris wuz jest a yankin my chain, and that the briefcase was all about power, I knew I had to take definitive action. So I kneed him in his junk, then punched him in his throat, right in his windpipe. Boris went down hard. Then I grabbed the fucker up by his collar with my left hand. In my right hand I held a Smith .44 mag and it was pointed right at his fucking face.”
“The first thang I sed is that if he wants to kill me, then he is going to need a lot more men. Secondly, I told him that his alleged intel is a false flag to keep the KGB running in circles. I told Boris ‘I got the real story from MY government. And I know it’s real because I compiled most of the reports myself! There ain’t no fucking space aliens, and Bigfoot don’t keep Nephilim as pets, you ridiculous ****!’ Then I bitch slapped Boris.”
“Boris is either a slobbering idiot, or he attempted to get intel from me; REAL intel. I don’t think he is an idiot. But he is a sneaky little prick. I said ‘Son, you do not get what I have, ever. If that is your game then I is jest gonna shoot you right here on this plane.’ Boris sed, ‘I do not want your intel. I want YOU, Roy. [I would later find out jest how true this wuz.] You know the text of the ancient incantations that will summon the giants from their caves. We know you have the manuscript. More importantly, you know how to use it.’ Again, it was more shitty intel from the KGB.”
“I sed, ‘You want old Roy to do the dirty work of getting the beasts out in the open, then you hit them from the air?’ ‘Precisely’, said Boris. ‘But we will not be hitting them with standard munitions as in Kazakhstan. No, we have something better planned. We will attack the creatures with missiles fit with tactical nuclear devices. When they crawl out of their lairs, we will destroy both the giants and their underground tunnels that keep them out of sight.’ I had to think on this fer a moment.”
“I sed, ‘well that sounds all well and good, but where you figure old Roy will be when those nukes start going off?’ Looking serious, Boris sed that I would be reciting my incantation over a loud speaker from a heliocopter and that when the strike was near, I, along with the other troops, will be immediately extracted from the area. I nodded. Boris told me we would board trucks and start heading to the mountains very shortly. He suggested that I gather my gear and de-board the plane. Again, I nodded, and Boris left me alone.”
“Clearly, this was a set up. They will need me on the ground, not in some noisy ass chopper to summon the Nephilim. Once they come, I will be a sitting duck. Once they come, extraction would not be feasible because of the danger posed by the giants. The nuclear air strike will be virtually instantaneously when the monsters appear. Old Roy will be sizzled alive.”
“Obviously, approaching Boris with an alternative plan would do no good. He knows what he is doing. He wants no witnesses. That rat fink commie bastard may just be looking fer an excuse to nuke sum poor village cuz he don’t like its name. He gave me what sounded like a feasible plan. But for this reason or that reason the plan will change on the fly. As soon as I get them creatures topside, Boris will immediately call in the air strike with zero extractions. I wuz gonna have to play this bitch jest right!”
“Rule No. 1 in life, son, is this: Never trust a fucking Communist. This goes fer the old guard from the former USSR, Cuba, Venezuela, And China. It also goes fer the millennial generation fuck-ups around today. Commies are fer memories, not allies.”
“Well, Sir, we loaded up our gear on some pieces of shit, aged Soviet army trucks. Real junkers. Then we headed out. Boris wuz tryin to point out landmarks and talk to me about where we wuz goin, but I wuz purty much ignoring him. The trip wuz long and arduous, and the roads were bumpy as shit from a dairy cow. The scenery wuz barren and the natives were sketchy and Muslimy. Afghanistan is truly the capital of Shit-Holeville.”
“Finally, after a rough fucking 10-hour drive through hell, we arrived at our destination: A Soviet camp at the base of the Hindu Kush mountain range. These mountains were really jest pussy hills compared to the good old Appalachians back home. Nonetheless, it wuz sum tough looking terrain. They ain’t the smooth, rounded peaks like back home. No, Sir. These hills were ragged and angry looking, just like the barren countryside and their women. Compared to Sasquatch Hollar, this wuz hell. Plus, there wuz a bunch of swarthy lil Muslims running round in dirty turbans. My trigger fanger wuz a’gittin right itchy.”
“Boris told ever one to eat sum vittles then get sum sleep in the residence tents, We is leaving out at sun-up to take on the Giants. I had already unpacked my guns and decided that I wanted to have sum fun and blow off steam before grub time. I grabbed up my M-60 that I packed and sum ammo belts.”
“Them thar little sheet wearing sand-n*ggers were ever where. Apparently the Commie scum pay them fer doing their laundry and cooking and other menial tasks. Well, I felt it wuz time to liberate these heathen bastards from God’s green earth. BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM !!!!!!!!!! I let loose with my M-60 onto those Muslim pricks!! The bullets chewed up them thar brownies like they wuz dog biscuits in a pen of pit bulls! Body parts and plasma wuz jest a flyin!”
“Well this really spooked the Russkies. They all dived for cover and sheltered in place until I wuz dun mowing down those camel fuckers. I stopped firing when I could not find any more sheets to shoot at. Then the commies came out with shocked looks on thar faces. Then came Boris. He charged at me, side arm drawn and pointing at me, demanding to know what I wuz doing.”
“I told Boris, ‘Fuck you, you commie bastard. I wuz jest shootin muslims. What of it? He face grew red. Boris became totally unhinged and wuz shouting at me at the top of his lungs about this and that. During mid rant I took my right hand and performed a back-handed bitch slap on Boris, knocking him on his ass. Knowing how unstable Boris is, I yanked away his sidearm. This got the red army guys upset. They raised their AKs and moved in on me.”
“Now understand here, Boris was a Soviet military intel guy. He did not lead this detachment of soldiers at this base. Colonel Zartok was the commanding officer. Now, with Boris on the ground at my feet, me (a yank) having jest stripped him of his weapon, and the soldiers getting right antsy, we had us a situation.”
“That’s when old Zartok came ambling up. He commanded “STOP! STOP! STOP!!” Then he wanted to know what wuz going on. Boris told him how I turned into a blood-thirsty murderer and killed all those goat herders, then turned my venom on him. Zartok turned to me and sed ‘These are sum grave accusations, Comrade, especially of a guest in this country. But I would be remiss if I failed to allow you to answer. But I will caution you, Comrade Roy, choose your words wisely, as they may be your last.”
“By this point in time your old uncle Roy wuz getting hungry. It had been a LONG trip and I had not had anything to eat er drink the entire time since we left Sasquatch Hollar, save fer sum nips of shine from my flask. I asked Zartok ‘When the fuck are we gonna eat around here?’ Zartok looked perplexed and jest stared at me. Then I asked ‘You got shit in yer ears, commie-rad? When the fuck we eating?!?’ This did not sit well with Zartok. He slowly drew his sidearm, racked a bullet, and point it at my head.”
“I shook my head, as my gaze went to the ground. Then I raised my head and, looking at Zartok eye to eye, sed ‘Look, I killed a bunch of shitty Muslims. Who fucking cares? You Russkies hate them as much as I do, and you have killed scores more than I have. Boris over here is a sketchy pig fucker. You know it, and I know it. He’s a sneaky little fucker. You probably don’t even trust him. So, get off my ass or shoot me. But get to it and stop boring me with your little dick, pissing match, got it?’ Zartok wuz stunned. His mouth was hanging open.”
“Then, suddenly, Col. Zartok burst out laughing. Either he thought I made a funny joke or he is laughing ironically. I don’t know. But I DO know that if a Russkie shows you her pussie, you better check it fer booby traps, cuz you cannot trust a fucking commie.”
“I will also say, to thar credit, Russians are sum tough sumbitches. If one them wants to kick yer ass, he will crawl over hot coals and broken glass to do it. You don’t jest shoot one and leave him fer dead. You got to head shoot that sumbitch, twice. But, fer all their toughness, they is sloppy as shit! Fer example, while all this here drama wuz playing out, not one of them commie assholes ever bothered to take away my M-60. This whole entire time I was jest standing there holding it at my hip.”
“While Zartok wuz making an ass out of himself laughing, I surveyed the rest of the troops. There was bout 20 of ‘em, and only half of them had guns. ‘Fuck it’, I thought. ‘BAM BAM BAM BAK BAM BAM BAM BAM !!!! The barking of machine gun fire from my M-60 wuz fucking glorious!! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!!!”
“Once nobody else wuz moving I stopped firing. I set down my smoking shootin iron and whipped out my cock. I had been needing to piss fer hours! Ahhhhhh... it felt so good, like my back teeth were floating! When I wuz dun, I put away my wang. Then I pulled out my sidearms, my Colt 1911 .45 ACP. and my Smith .38 revolver. I walked around the camp looking fer survivors to execute. But all I could fine were body parts.”
“Then sumthang struck me as strange. Zartok? Yeah, I kilt that sumbitch. I pretty much cut that fag in half. But... wait..... BORIS!! I knew I had fucked up. I should have tracked down that sneaky fuck first. As if on cue I heard Boris’ voice say ‘Drop the guns, Roy’. Shit.”
“I did as he asked. Boris would shoot his own mama fer looking at him cross. He wuz a real snake. I turned around to find old Fuck-Face holding an AK-47 at his hip and pointed at me. I sighed, and shook my head. I asked ‘What the fuck do you want from me, Boris? Are we gonna Kill sum giants er not?’ Boris wuz pissed and went on and on about how I fucked up his shit by committing mass murder and yada yada. I sed ‘Hey, Fuck-Face, It’s me, Old Collateral Damage Roy. What the fuck did you expect when you recruited me?’”
“Then I flat-out asked Boris: ‘You were gonna set me up, weren’t ya? You wuz gonna put me in harm’s way with those fucking Nephilim, refuse to extract me, then drop nukes, getting rid of both the Nephilim and me. Is that, or is that not, what wuz gonna happen?’ Boris responded ‘Yes.’”
“Then I went on, ‘Now, Boris, why would you want to go do sumthang like that? I’m old Roy, Ya Boy! We are long-time amigos. Don’t you remember Dallas 1963? Don’t ya remember fucking whores and shootin slanty eyes in Cambodia? We go way back, you and me.’ Boris barked at me ‘SHUT UP!!! I will NEVER Forgive you for what you did to me.’ Now this wuz perplexing, cuz I had no fucking idea what Boris wuz talking about.”
“I sed ‘Uh, Boris, old buddy, ya care to tell me what I did to get ya so riled up?’ Boris looked at me and sed ‘YOU KNOW!’ I jest shrugged. I had no clue.”
“Then Boris sed it: ‘The White Swan’. I thought fer a minute then sed, ‘What? We fucked sum Cambodian whores then executed ‘em.’ Again, I shrugged. Then Boris yelled at me ‘You blew your load in my face! Remember?!? It was dark. You thought you were nutting in the whore’s face. But it was ME! You jizzed in MY FACE!!’ “
“I was still confused. I sed ‘You holding a grudge over THAT?!? Jesus Christ, the fuck is wrong with you, Boris?!?’ Then it came out. It came gushing all out in a pathetic towering clusterfuck of deviance and stupidity. Boris sed ‘I love you, Roy.’”
“Boris continued, ‘That night you shot your load on my face, I started having ... feelings. I was confused for a long time. I had odd urges. I was ashamed. I hated myself and wish I would die. Then, I decided to act on my feelings. I began going to gay bath houses. I then I started attending ....’ I had to jump in, ‘WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOAAAAAAAA THERE!!! You need to keep THAT shit to yerself, Boris! If you is a fag, then whatever. But it don’t involve me in any way.’ Boris’ stare grew dark.”
“Boris then accused me, old Roy, of turning him gay! I sed ‘Boris, you is a goddamned fool! I is fucking leaving.’ Boris opened fire with his AK, spraying bullets around my feet. I stopped moving and looked at Boris, saying ‘Ok, Boris. What exactly is it you want me to do? Ya better not say suck yer dick, cuz that ain’t happening, ya faggot!’”
“Boris sed ‘I want you to do the task I brought you here to perform.’ He meant to summon the Nephilim, of course. But why? Boris continued, ‘you and I are going up into those mountains where you shall summon the beasts. Then I am going to watch them tear you into little pieces.’ I sed ‘That seems a little severe over getting a face full of jizz, Boris. Besides, if I summon them thar critters then they will kilt you too, asshole!’”
“Then Boris revealed his plan. We will fly in by chopper piloted by Boris. I would summon the beasts from the ground as Boris hovers overhead. If I cannot summon the Nephilim from their caves and to the surface, then old Boris would gun me down with the cannons mounted on the whirly-bird. If I do summon them, then Boris has a front row seat to watch me get ripped to pieces, after which Boris calls in the air strike. Any way it goes, old Roy was to end up dead, and this entire area will be blasted to Kingdom Come with tactical nuclear weapons. ‘What a pisser’, I thought.”
“Boris told me this plan wuz happening right now. With the barrel of his AK, Boris motioned me to the chopper. I submitted and started walking to the helio pad, with Boris behind me, gun pointing at my back.”
“As we walked I sed ‘Hey, Boris, how does my ass look from back thar? You think you could handle sum of that shit?’ I laughed to myself. I knew Boris must be seething and wanting to shoot me. But he needed me alive for his plan. Then I told Boris that he strikes me as a submissive bottom. Then I asked, ‘So Boris, when I nutted on your face, did you lick yer lips and taste sum real manhood?’ This last comment caused Boris to fire a shot that whistled by my right ear.”
“Then we reached the chopper. I turned to Boris as asked ‘Are ya’ll into twinks? You know, them young looking faggots?’ Boris yelled at me to ‘GET ONBOARD THE CHOPPER!! NOW!!!’ I obeyed him. I boarded and buckled in. It looked like we wuz gonna go on a little plane ride.”
“We took off. Old Boris ran us up the barren looking mountainside and landed us up in front of some spooky looking cave entrances. Boris sed ‘Here we are.’ I asked, ‘Is there here whar ya keep yer butt-fuckin slaves, ya faggot?’ Boris replied, ‘No. This is the lair of the Nephilim.’ Boris explained that I wuz to exit the chopper and summon them Nephilim while he hovered above in the chopper; and if’n I fail, then he is gonna blast me with the canons on the whirly Bird.”
“Boris told me to get out. I sed ‘Sure thing. It smells too much like ass in here to me anyway.’ I stepped out of the chopper. Then, before closing the chopper door I leaned back inside to say one last thing to Boris.”
“As I sed earlier, while these commie ***** are tough as nails, they are sloppy as a 10 dollar whore. Through all this drama Boris neglected to check me fer weapons on my person. So it wuz at this point I reached down to my boot and extracted my Walther PPK, chambered in . 380. I sed To Boris ‘Hey Boris, how bout sucking my balls afore ya leave?’ Boris sneered at me and revved the engine. I then sed ‘Well, if’n ya don’t want to suck my balls, then how about sucking sum lead, asshole?!’ I pulled my PPK and BLAM BLAM!!! I put 2 bullets in the fucker’s head. The chopper shimmied then died. I crawled into the contraption jest to make sure the commie bastard was dead. I then put another bullet in his head to make sure.”
“Well, I ambles over to sum rocks and sat down. I sed to myself ‘Well, shit. Here I am in a total shithole country, insurgents running around everwhar, thick as dildos in a cathouse, my Soviet hosts all dead, and I ain’t got a way outa here. I am stuck on the other side of the world. What the fuck am I gonna do?’”
“I reckoned I best get down off of this mountain and hijack one of them Soviet trucks and try to get to Kabul. Maybe there I can find a phone and try to get out of here. But jest then I heard me a hellacious roar coming from one of them creepy looking caves behind me. ‘Oh fuck, Nephilim. That’s all that’s I need right now’, I thought.”
“I turned my head to look at the cave entrances when I seen me one of them thar Nephilim standing thar. It wuz human lookin, with David Coverdale hair. The only thang it wore wuz a loin cloth. It wuz a’holding a tree log in a way that suggested he wuz gonna use it as a club.”
“Well, Sir, that thar Nephilim motherfucker stood a good 15 feet tall. Like I says, it wuz kinda humanish lookin, but it twere also hairy, like an oily I-Talian. That loin cloth a’coverin up its nethers looked to be mountain goat hides sewn tagether. Yep, I found myself in a real predicament there!”
“Bout then, then caveman lookin thang let out a preternatural howl and charged me! I reached down inta my skivvies to pull out my old hawg laig I stashed away fer jest this kind of situation: an all-American, Sturm Ruger Super Redhawk .44 magum revolver! I pointed it at the rapidly approaching monster and shot from the hip. But nothing happened. I thought “What in the hell is befuddlin ...???”. Then I realized that I mistakenly whipped out my old wang instead of my pistol. “SHIT!”, I sed.”
“So I dropped my Johnson, it hit the ground with a THUD, and found my gun. In the very last moment possible I fired! BAMMMMM!!!!!! I ducked and the beast’s forward moment carried it, tumbling over whar I wuz jest a’standing. My bullet hit its mark: right square on the critter’s dick!”
“That big old Nephilim wuz rolling round on da ground, writhing in pain and holding onto its crotch. I started to walk over to put it outa its misery, and fergot my peter wuz still out. Well, I tripped on my pud and hit the ground. WHUMP! I got up, dusted myself off, rolled up my old thumpin stick, and put it away. Then I walked over to the beast.”
“I shot that sumbitch right through its right eye and kilt it. Ya see, these rascals gots sum real thick skulls. If ya shooting anythang smaller than a fiddy, ya got to shoot it through they eyes if’n your gonna scramble its brains.”
“Fer a good moment er two I thought it wuz over. It weren’t. All that commotion musta stirred up the rest of the Nephilim clan, cuz here they came, outa thar caves. There wuz three of ‘em. The smallest one wuz about 12 feet tall. The biggest were a good 16-17 foot tall. They wuz all grumblin and looked to be in a bad mood. I knew I wuz in sum powerful trouble. There wuz only one thang I could do.”
“I dashed to the chopper, pulled old dead Boris out, dumping his body onto the ground, then saddled up. When I started that old whirly bird’s engine the monsters focused on me and went ape shit. I learnt to fly these sumbitches back in Nam when we used them to slaughter Cong, and villages, and children’s hospitals. Quicker than a bunny I had that bird up in the air. Those swarthy Nephilim wuz a’jumping up at me, like they wuz gonna catch me. Dumbasses!”
“So I circled around and came in balls to the wall, canons a’blastin!! It wuz spectacular! Blood and bone and Nephilim flesh wuz flyin everwhere! I went around fer another run. After the second pass all three of them bastards had been reduced to a puddle of piss, blood, and flesh. They wuz all deader than John Kennedy!”
“I thought to myself that this wuz easy. Fact, it wuz too fukin easy. Them commie bastards could have taken care of this shit on their own with the guns on this chopper. Then the truth hit me. This whole thing... Boris collecting me and taking me out thar. This was ALL Boris’ doing! That sumbitch wuz beside hisself in a fit of homo-faggot rage cuz I went and accidentally spooged on him years ago. “What an asshole”, I sed.”
“I circled that bird around one more time to find Boris’s corpse on the ground then I lit it up with the guns on that Russkie copter. BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!! ....... until thar wuz nuthin left of that queer sumbitch. Now it wuz over. I headed back to the commie camp.”
“Now, when I say I can fly a chopper, I mean it. I jest can’t land one. I crashed that bitch right into the Soviet based camp. They wuz a few natives still hanging around thar, but they all burned up after the crash. Of course, I bailed before the explosion, so I wuz fine. I found me one them Russkie trucks, then headed off to Kabul.”
“After sum nasty diplomatic wrangling bad noise, I managed to catch me a flight to Tel Aviv. They wuz real interested to hear my tale about the Nephilim. I even managed to get me a three-way with a couple of them very hot, very tight Israeli women soldiers. They know how to treat a man!”
