Lord Long Rod
Diamond Member
- Jan 17, 2023
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- #1
Some say that Adolph Hitler had a fascination with the legend of large, hairy manlike creatures. We all know from the history channel that Hitler was fascinated with the occult, mysticism, and creating the perfect army of invincible soldiers. Of course, at that time the word “Bigfoot”, as it applies to what we know as Sasquatch, did not exist. Nonetheless, the animal existed elsewhere. Most significant for Hitler’s education was the Russian Almasty.
Hitler knew about the North American Sasquatch too, having studied Native American folklore. Mr. Hitler did more than write “Mein Kampf” while imprisoned as the result of the failed Beer Hall Putsch. In fact, he studied all folklore related to large, hairy wild men, including the Yeti, Yowie, etc...
To cut to the chase, here is what is believed to have happened under Hitler’s regime. Hitler craved control of Russia. Upon learning of the mighty Almasty, Hitler became fascinated with the idea of cloning such creatures and training them to be super soldiers. There would be no way to stop Hitler then!
However, for political reasons it would be impossible to get a team that deep into Russia to capture an Almasty. Likewise, travel to Australia and the outback would be nearly impossible. So finally, Hitler decided he would send a team to the United States to extract a Sasquatch for creation of the origin DNA for his super soldier.
Nazi teams were snuck into America via u-boats. Some of this invasion was detected. However, the true extent of the invasion went unnoticed by America. They posed as international travelers who sought to do some trophy hunting in America. They contracted with guides to travel with through the backwoods of the USA, and to learn some anecdotal evidence and clues. The Nazis turned a few of these guides with cash brought with them for the trip. They became Nazi operatives.
After their nearly 12 month expedition in the American bush, the Nazis left the United States with 3 Sasquatch: 2 adult females and 1 adolescent male. All were dead. The America guides-turned-Nazis were all dispatched prior to the end of this excursion. The specimens were successfully returned to Berlin, where they underwent intense scrutiny.
Hitler himself was so excited about this he insisted on seeing the Sasquatch bodies. It was later revealed, though, that Hitler was horrified by what he saw. He was simultaneously shocked and appalled by how ghastly and grotesque the creatures appeared. A source close to Hitler said that when he returned home that evening he sat for hours in his chair and just stared silently into the flames of his fireplace. He was wearing a look of severe grimness on his face. He took no dinner or libation that evening. Instead he sat motionless, staring into the fire and periodically saying one word: “schrecklich”.
The next day Hitler reaffirmed his desire of seeing the Sasquatch plan move forward. However, he did not want to visit the laboratory where it took place, ever again.
Fast forward many months. Hitler began to unravel. He no longer believed he needed super warriors to defeat Stalin. Instead he believed that he could just enhance his existing soldiers with meth and, you know, just go for it. Thus began the failed Operation Barbarossa, one of the greatest and most historical military miscalculations ever.
Now, it was at this point where things get really weird. The popular story is that during Hitler’s final days he, along with other important Nazis, were forced to take refuge in an underground bunker in Berlin as the Allies attacked from the west and Soviet Russia attacked from the east. However, the reality of the situation was much worse.
In those waning days of WWII in the European theater, Hitler’s scientists had a breakthrough and not only cloned several Sasquatch, but created a DNA therapy regimen which they applied to actual gorillas obtained from Africa. This caused acute and immediate mutations in the gorillas. They grew to immense proportions. About half of the specimens died from the abnormal and radical growth spurts; their tissue herniated and all their internal organs spilled from their body cavities.
However, the other half of the specimens, roughly 21 gorillas, responded well. They grew bigger and much stronger. Their eyes began to glow red. They essentially became hybrid gorilla-Sasquatch creatures. They were hideous and foul tempered. Their Nazi keepers tried to train and condition them. But it was a complete and utter failure. They harbored intense rage for all humans they had contact with. It was as if the handlers were being punished by God for attempting to pervert His master plan.
The monsters broke free from their confinement during the days leading up to the fall of Berlin. Every last human at the laboratory was brutally murdered by the beasts. The marauding band of Devil Monkeys terrorized Berlin for weeks. When the Allies’ bombs started falling, the noise just agitated the beasts more.
Word quickly got back to Hitler about these murderous monkeys. “SCHEISSA!!!”, proclaimed Hitler. Hitler remembered those malevolent looking creatures at the laboratory. He suspected that his mental collapse was initiated by what he saw there that day. Now the fruits of his nefarious ways are coming back to haunt him.
Most of the regime, even the very high-ups, were not privy to the Nazi Sasquatch project. They had no idea that such a dark plan even existed. Hitler dared not reveal it prior to completion lest they think he was mad and attempt a coup against him. Hitler knew the end was near for his regime. But for the life of him, he much preferred to die of a bullet from an Ally rifle, or even from one fired from a Mosin-Nagant, than at the hand of these monstrous beasts he had created.
Hitler ordered everyone close to him into his Berlin bunker. His contemporaries were very concerned about their Fuhrer. Why was he so despondent? Yes, they were sealed in a bunker, but they must go on and fight! At least, that is what Hitler always said. The frank truth about the matter is that Hitler’s regime started thinking that their brave Fuhrer had turned into a complete and total pussy.
Then word came to the bunker inhabitants from above. People were being murdered, ripped apart, in the streets of Berlin by monkey-like ape-beasts. When asked to describe these monsters, their above-ground contacts said “Uh, well, do you remember that Jesse Owens fella?”
The reports got worse. It seemed that the monsters had a penchant for anal rape. They would rape their victims, then kill them be ripping off their heads. Sometimes they would rip off the victims’ heads first then rape their neck holes. They had even been known to kill 5-6 victims at a time by ripping them to shreds while stuck in a rape victim, the poor fucker just dangling there on the monster’s dinosauric member while the beast kills and mauls it’s victims.
The reports were hideous and completely destroyed the morale of the bunker. Eventually the regime turned on Hitler and confronted him. “FICK DICH!!!!”, exclaimed Hitler, who then pulled out his Walther sidearm, placed the barrel to his forehead, and cocked the hammer. “Mein Fuhrer!!!!! NEIN!!!!!!!!!! Exclaimed his staff. Hitler looked at them, with tears streaming down their faces, and said what translates to: “I refuse to be fucked by a monkey!”
Hitler pulled the trigger. It was over. The war ended and the Allies collected and euthanized the remaining death monkeys. But it must be remembered that the American Sasquatch played a pivotal role in ending WWII and defeating Hitler.
Hitler knew about the North American Sasquatch too, having studied Native American folklore. Mr. Hitler did more than write “Mein Kampf” while imprisoned as the result of the failed Beer Hall Putsch. In fact, he studied all folklore related to large, hairy wild men, including the Yeti, Yowie, etc...
To cut to the chase, here is what is believed to have happened under Hitler’s regime. Hitler craved control of Russia. Upon learning of the mighty Almasty, Hitler became fascinated with the idea of cloning such creatures and training them to be super soldiers. There would be no way to stop Hitler then!
However, for political reasons it would be impossible to get a team that deep into Russia to capture an Almasty. Likewise, travel to Australia and the outback would be nearly impossible. So finally, Hitler decided he would send a team to the United States to extract a Sasquatch for creation of the origin DNA for his super soldier.
Nazi teams were snuck into America via u-boats. Some of this invasion was detected. However, the true extent of the invasion went unnoticed by America. They posed as international travelers who sought to do some trophy hunting in America. They contracted with guides to travel with through the backwoods of the USA, and to learn some anecdotal evidence and clues. The Nazis turned a few of these guides with cash brought with them for the trip. They became Nazi operatives.
After their nearly 12 month expedition in the American bush, the Nazis left the United States with 3 Sasquatch: 2 adult females and 1 adolescent male. All were dead. The America guides-turned-Nazis were all dispatched prior to the end of this excursion. The specimens were successfully returned to Berlin, where they underwent intense scrutiny.
Hitler himself was so excited about this he insisted on seeing the Sasquatch bodies. It was later revealed, though, that Hitler was horrified by what he saw. He was simultaneously shocked and appalled by how ghastly and grotesque the creatures appeared. A source close to Hitler said that when he returned home that evening he sat for hours in his chair and just stared silently into the flames of his fireplace. He was wearing a look of severe grimness on his face. He took no dinner or libation that evening. Instead he sat motionless, staring into the fire and periodically saying one word: “schrecklich”.
The next day Hitler reaffirmed his desire of seeing the Sasquatch plan move forward. However, he did not want to visit the laboratory where it took place, ever again.
Fast forward many months. Hitler began to unravel. He no longer believed he needed super warriors to defeat Stalin. Instead he believed that he could just enhance his existing soldiers with meth and, you know, just go for it. Thus began the failed Operation Barbarossa, one of the greatest and most historical military miscalculations ever.
Now, it was at this point where things get really weird. The popular story is that during Hitler’s final days he, along with other important Nazis, were forced to take refuge in an underground bunker in Berlin as the Allies attacked from the west and Soviet Russia attacked from the east. However, the reality of the situation was much worse.
In those waning days of WWII in the European theater, Hitler’s scientists had a breakthrough and not only cloned several Sasquatch, but created a DNA therapy regimen which they applied to actual gorillas obtained from Africa. This caused acute and immediate mutations in the gorillas. They grew to immense proportions. About half of the specimens died from the abnormal and radical growth spurts; their tissue herniated and all their internal organs spilled from their body cavities.
However, the other half of the specimens, roughly 21 gorillas, responded well. They grew bigger and much stronger. Their eyes began to glow red. They essentially became hybrid gorilla-Sasquatch creatures. They were hideous and foul tempered. Their Nazi keepers tried to train and condition them. But it was a complete and utter failure. They harbored intense rage for all humans they had contact with. It was as if the handlers were being punished by God for attempting to pervert His master plan.
The monsters broke free from their confinement during the days leading up to the fall of Berlin. Every last human at the laboratory was brutally murdered by the beasts. The marauding band of Devil Monkeys terrorized Berlin for weeks. When the Allies’ bombs started falling, the noise just agitated the beasts more.
Word quickly got back to Hitler about these murderous monkeys. “SCHEISSA!!!”, proclaimed Hitler. Hitler remembered those malevolent looking creatures at the laboratory. He suspected that his mental collapse was initiated by what he saw there that day. Now the fruits of his nefarious ways are coming back to haunt him.
Most of the regime, even the very high-ups, were not privy to the Nazi Sasquatch project. They had no idea that such a dark plan even existed. Hitler dared not reveal it prior to completion lest they think he was mad and attempt a coup against him. Hitler knew the end was near for his regime. But for the life of him, he much preferred to die of a bullet from an Ally rifle, or even from one fired from a Mosin-Nagant, than at the hand of these monstrous beasts he had created.
Hitler ordered everyone close to him into his Berlin bunker. His contemporaries were very concerned about their Fuhrer. Why was he so despondent? Yes, they were sealed in a bunker, but they must go on and fight! At least, that is what Hitler always said. The frank truth about the matter is that Hitler’s regime started thinking that their brave Fuhrer had turned into a complete and total pussy.
Then word came to the bunker inhabitants from above. People were being murdered, ripped apart, in the streets of Berlin by monkey-like ape-beasts. When asked to describe these monsters, their above-ground contacts said “Uh, well, do you remember that Jesse Owens fella?”
The reports got worse. It seemed that the monsters had a penchant for anal rape. They would rape their victims, then kill them be ripping off their heads. Sometimes they would rip off the victims’ heads first then rape their neck holes. They had even been known to kill 5-6 victims at a time by ripping them to shreds while stuck in a rape victim, the poor fucker just dangling there on the monster’s dinosauric member while the beast kills and mauls it’s victims.
The reports were hideous and completely destroyed the morale of the bunker. Eventually the regime turned on Hitler and confronted him. “FICK DICH!!!!”, exclaimed Hitler, who then pulled out his Walther sidearm, placed the barrel to his forehead, and cocked the hammer. “Mein Fuhrer!!!!! NEIN!!!!!!!!!! Exclaimed his staff. Hitler looked at them, with tears streaming down their faces, and said what translates to: “I refuse to be fucked by a monkey!”
Hitler pulled the trigger. It was over. The war ended and the Allies collected and euthanized the remaining death monkeys. But it must be remembered that the American Sasquatch played a pivotal role in ending WWII and defeating Hitler.
