Short script

[Dan]

OK, so I kinda got in the zone last night and finished this around 4:45. Unfortunately, this board doesn't except any form of written document. What do I do?

 

[jimnyc]

Both zip files and txt files are accepted. Have you also forgotten about copy n paste? There's 3 options.

 

[Dan]

Wasn't sure if cutting and pasting 24 pages would be OK. Alright, here goes...

FADE IN:
INT BATHROOM - MORNING
Over black, we hear the sound of someone, a woman, vomiting. We fade up on DANA DEALING. She is kneeling in front of the toilet in a claustrophobic bathroom, throwing up into it. Once she is done, she raises her head, revealing her face to us. She is in her early 20’s, light brown hair with blonde and black streaks. Her eyes, though watering at the moment, are very intense, eyes that appear to have seen more than her soft and beautiful face admits. She is wearing an oversized Ramones t-shirt. She grabs something off of the ledge of the nearby sink and looks at it. She replaces it and leans back against the wall. She looks like she is about to cry, but stops herself. After a few seconds of composure, she stands up, flushes the toilet, and walks out of the room. As she leaves, we see that she was looking at a pregnancy test with two red lines on it, revealing that she is pregnant.
CUT TO:
INT BEDROOM - MORNING
DANA walks to a stereo and turns on the CD that’s in there. The White Stripes’ “Truth Doesn’t Make a Noise” starts playing as she crosses the room. We see that it is strewn with clothes, both men’s and women’s. On a nearby mantle, a picture depicts MELISSA and a man, CHRIS, her boyfriend, smiling in a bar. A few movie posters adorn the walls. The room is a mess. DANA collapses, face-first, into the unmade bed. The song continues on the soundtrack. We fade to black.
CUT TO:
EXT STREET - MORNING
DANA steps through the doorway in front of her apartment building and walks out onto the crowded street. In an establishing shot, we see that her apartment building is in the middle of a very crowded city area. Cars litter the road, people litter the streets. It’s very cold outside, judging by the clothes everyone’s wearing. DANA starts walking down the street. It seems like everyone else is walking in the other direction. They all appear to give her condescending looks as she passes them. She just looks down at the sidewalk and keeps on walking.
CUT TO:
EXT RECORD STORE - MORNING
EST. SHOT
We see a large music store in a populated area. DANA walks to the door and enters.
CUT TO:
INT RECORD STORE - MORNING
Radiohead blasts from the speakers in the small but well-stocked record store. There are few customers in the store at this hour. DANA enters and walks toward the female cashier, MELISSA, who sits behind the counter reading a copy of Patchouli. Her hair is bright blue and her nose is pierced.
DANA
(indicating the music)
What is this?
MELISSA
Dana, hey! It’s the new Radiohead. You like it?
DANA
No, not really.
MELISSA
Really? I think it’s really cool.
DANA
I don’t really like Radiohead. Listen, can we talk?
MELISSA
Yeah, why, what’s wrong?
DANA
Let’s just...
She motions toward the front door. MELISSA calls to another employee who’s talking to one of the customers.
MELISSA
Hey, Darien, I’m taking my break!
DARIEN
Okay.
MELISSA
Be back in five.
She follows DANA out the door.
CUT TO:
EXT RECORD STORE - MOMENTS LATER
They sit on the edge of the curb. As DANA talks, MELISSA takes out a cigarette and lights it.
DANA
How’s work been?
MELISSA
Pretty good, I guess. It’s work.
DANA
Yeah.
MELISSA
So, what’s bugging you?
DANA
I really fucked up, Melissa.
MELISSA
How?
DANA
I’m pregnant.
MELISSA is quiet for a second, a little shocked.
MELISSA
Oh my God.
DANA
Yeah.
MELISSA
How long have you known?
DANA
I was pretty sure for a few days, I took a test this morning.
MELISSA
Wow.
(pause)
Does Chris know?
DANA
No, not yet. I’m so scared of how he’s going to react.
MELISSA
Is it his?
DANA
Yes! Jesus, why would you even ask me that?
MELISSA
I don’t know, why would you be scared to tell him?
DANA
We’ve only been together for like eleven months. And he’s told me before that he doesn’t want kids.
MELISSA
Oh.
She pauses for a long time, searching for something to say.
MELISSA (CONT’D)
Do you want kids?
DANA
(pause)
I don’t know.
MELISSA
Have you thought about... y’know.
She nods at the clinic just down the road.
INSERT:
A shot of the sign outside of the clinic. It reads ‘St. Mary’s Women’s Clinic’.
DANA
I thought about it. But... I don’t know.
MELISSA
What?
DANA
Well, who’s to say when life begins, y’know? Who am I to decide that this possibly living thing inside of me should be destroyed.
MELISSA
I guess.
There’s another long pause.
DANA
Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just unload this all on you. I know there’s really nothing you can say that’s going to help me out of this.
MELISSA
Yeah.
(pause)
I’m sorry.
DANA
It’s okay.
MELISSA puts her hand on DANA’S shoulder. DANA puts her head down.
CUT TO:
INT RESTAURANT - DAY
DANA sits at a table in a relatively nice restaurant. She takes out her cell phone, goes through the contacts list and selects ‘CHRIS’. She hits the ‘send’ button and brings the phone to her ear.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
Inside a large, loud office, rows and rows of desks are set up. A suited young man sits behind each desk. One of these men is CHRIS, DANA’S boyfriend. He is a typical Gordon Gecko wannabe, all slicked-back hair and fast-talking smarmy style. One of his co-workers, BENNY, leans against the desk talking to him.
BENNY
Fucking A, baby, courtside seats, next Tuesday, you in?
CHRIS
Hell yeah, I’m in.
His cell phone rings. He looks at the caller ID, which says ‘DANA’. He looks at BENNY who raises his eyebrows. CHRIS turns off the ringer and leans back in his chair.
CHRIS (CONT’D)
Sorry, honey, I’m really busy at work right now, the boss is being a major asshole.
They both laugh.
CUT TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
DANA still has her phone to her ear. We hear CHRIS’S voice through the phone, then a beep.
DANA
(into phone)
Hey, Chris, it’s me. Um, give me a call when you get this, or if you can’t, meet me down by the beach after. I have to talk to you, it’s sorta important.
She hangs up the phone. She starts looking around, obviously waiting for someone. She looks more nervous than earlier now, she is clearly preparing for something she doesn’t want to do. A WAITER comes up to her.
WAITER
Would you like to order?
DANA
Uh, no, I’m meeting someone, I’m gonna wait for them.
WAITER
Okay. Can I get you a drink while you’re waiting?
DANA
Yeah, I’ll just have a water.
WAITER
Okay, I’ll have that for you in a second.
DANA
(smiles weakly)
Thanks.
He walks away. An older man (mid-sixties) walks in through the entrance and scans the dining room. This is DANA’S FATHER. She tries to wave at him without anyone else noticing her. He finally catches her eye and walks over to the table. She stands up, trying to appear chipper.
DANA (CONT’D)
Hi, Daddy!
DANA’S FATHER
Hey, baby.
They embrace tightly for a few seconds, then both sit down.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
Look at that hair.
DANA
Yeah, I know.
DANA’S FATHER
I remember when you were a little girl, you loved having blonde hair. You thought you looked just like your mother. You did, too.
DANA
Yeah, I know.
(pause)
Have you talked to mom lately?
DANA’S FATHER
Yeah, I talked to her last week, actually.
DANA
Did she ask about me?
Her FATHER hesitates for a second, then clearly lies.
DANA’S FATHER
(lying)
Yeah, she did actually.
DANA smiles, trying to hide her disappointment.
DANA
No, she didn’t.
DANA’S FATHER
(pause)
Well, you know, your mother’s been very busy lately. She just got a beach house down in North Carolina.
DANA
With Alan?
DANA’S FATHER
(pause)
Yeah.
They both sit there in silence for a second. The WAITER returns with DANA’S water.
WAITER
(to DANA’S FATHER)
Hey, how’re you today?
DANA’S FATHER
Pretty good, thanks.
WAITER
Can I get you something to drink?
DANA’S FATHER
Yeah, I’ll have a dry martini, two olives.
WAITER
Okay, I’ll go put in that order and I’ll be back to get your orders in a second.
DANA’S FATHER
Thanks.
DANA smiles at him as he walks away.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
Seems like a nice kid.
DANA
Yeah. Well, I mean, he gets paid to be nice to us, though.
DANA’S FATHER
Very true. Speaking of which, have you been able to find a job yet?
DANA
No, I haven’t.
DANA’S FATHER
Have you been looking?
DANA
No, Dad, I just sit next to my bedroom window and hope some resumes will just fly in for me.
(pause)
Look, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’ve been looking. Contrary to what everybody in the world believes, I’ve been looking.
DANA’S FATHER
I believe you.
She looks him in the eye and sees that he’s being honest. She immediately feels guilty for getting smart with him.
DANA
Thank you.
DANA’S FATHER
How’s, um, what’s-his-name...
DANA
Chris.
DANA’S FATHER
Right, how’s Chris?
DANA
He’s good. He just got another raise.
DANA’S FATHER
Well, that’s good.
DANA
Yeah. He hates his job, but, you know, it pays the bills.
DANA’S FATHER
Mm-hmm.
The WAITER returns with his drink.
WAITER
Here you go.
DANA’S FATHER
Thanks a lot.
WAITER
Are you guys ready to order?
DANA’S FATHER lifts his menu. DANA leaves hers.
DANA’S FATHER
I think I’ll have a... I’ll have a reuben and a cup of minestrone.
The WAITER writes the order down, then looks at DANA.
WAITER
And for you?
DANA
I think I’m good with the water for now, thanks.
WAITER
Okay.
(to DANA’S FATHER)
I’ll put your order right in.
DANA’S FATHER
Thanks.
He takes their menus and leaves.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
How come you’re not getting anything.
DANA
I don’t know, I’m just not that hungry, really.
DANA’S FATHER
You should really eat something, though, you’re so skinny.
DANA
I know.
Her father takes a sip of the martini.
DANA’S FATHER
Wow, that’s really good! You want a sip?
He holds the glass out for her.
DANA
(pause)
No, thanks, I’m good.
DANA’S FATHER
No?
DANA
No, thanks anyway.
DANA’S FATHER
Are you sure you’re feeling okay, honey?
She sighs heavily. She looks up and we see her eyes are slightly glassy.
DANA
No, I’m really not.
DANA’S FATHER
What’s wrong?
DANA
(long pause)
Okay, I’m not sure how to say this to you, so I’m just going to say it.
(pause)
I’m...
She hesitates. Her FATHER looks at her with genuine concern.
DANA (CONT’D)
I’m pregnant.
Her FATHER does his best to keep his self control, but this is clearly distressing to him.
DANA’S FATHER
Are you sure?
DANA
Yeah.
DANA’S FATHER
You took a test and all?
DANA
Yes.
There’s a long and awkward pause.
DANA’S FATHER
You and Chris have been together for, what, a year?
DANA
Eleven months.
DANA’S FATHER
And you’ve been living together for four months?
DANA
Yeah.
DANA seems almost ashamed of herself.
DANA’S FATHER
(sighs)
Have you told Chris yet?
DANA
No, not yet.
DANA’S FATHER
When were you planning on doing that?
DANA
I don’t know. Everything’s just so fucked up right now.
She realizes she swore in front of him.
DANA (CONT’D)
Sorry.
DANA’S FATHER
It’s okay.
DANA
I mean, things weren’t supposed to happen like this, you know? It’s like-
She’s interrupted by the WAITER returning with her FATHER’S food.
WAITER
There you go. Can I get you anything else right now?
DANA’S FATHER
No, I think I’m good.
WAITER
(to DANA)
You sure you don’t want anything?
She shakes her head ‘no’. She’s clearly upset.
WAITER (CONT’D)
Okay, well, I’ll be by in a little bit to check up on you guys.
He exits. DANA’S FATHER starts eating his food.
DANA
I can’t believe you can eat right now.
DANA’S FATHER
Well, honey, I’m sorry, but it’s time for you to have to face your own problems. I can’t do all the worrying for you.
DANA
I know, but...
DANA’S FATHER
You were mature enough to get yourself into this situation, right?
She looks away.
DANA
(pause)
Before... all this, I was honestly considering leaving Chris.
DANA’S FATHER
Why?
DANA
(shakes her head)
No reason, really. We’re just not really getting along much anymore.
DANA’S FATHER
Okay, Dana, I may not want to know the answer to this, but, is it Chris’s baby?
DANA
(frustrated sigh)
Yes.
DANA’S FATHER
Well, I mean, you’re talking about how you don’t get along, sometimes when people don’t get along, they do things they’ll regret.
DANA
No, it’s not you, it’s just, you’re the second person to ask me that today. Anyway, things have been bad between us lately, but for a few days a couple weeks ago, things were actually... good.
DANA’S FATHER
Any reason why?
DANA
I’m not sure, we just sort of got tired of ignoring each other, I guess. Like I said, it didn’t last long. But, anyway, I guess it happened then.
DANA’S FATHER
You weren’t using a condom?
DANA
I know how stupid and irresponsible it was.
Her FATHER nods.
DANA’S FATHER
Well, Dana, it’s about time for you to learn that I’m not always going to be able to give you all the answers.
DANA
I know. Things weren’t supposed to be like this.
DANA’S FATHER
You’re twenty-two years old, you dropped out of college, you have no job, do you really think you’re fit to be a mother right now?
DANA is very close to tears. She shakes her head.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
I’m really at a loss for what to tell you to do here.
DANA
It’s okay.
DANA’S FATHER
You said you and Chris are having problems.
DANA
Yeah.
DANA’S FATHER
Well, listen, if there’s one thing I can tell you: don’t stay with him just for the kid. It’s not worth it. Nobody wins in that situation.
DANA
(long pause)
I know.
DANA’S FATHER
(pause)
Yeah.
He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
Listen, I don’t have much on me, but I can give you some cash.
He pulls out a few twenties and tries to give them to her.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
There’s a hundred and twenty there. I can get you some more.
She pushes his hand away.
DANA
No, Dad, I don’t want your money. I’m so ashamed. Jesus, you must think I’m the biggest fuck-up in the world.
DANA’S FATHER
Hey, Dana. Look at me, honey.
(she does)
Listen, you’re my only daughter and I love you. Nothing you ever do will make me stop loving you do. Just because I can’t tell you what to do doesn’t mean that I don’t care.
She smiles. He slides the money across the table. She takes it.
DANA
Thank you. I promise, I’ll pay you back.
DANA’S FATHER
Don’t worry about it.
They sit there in silence again, only this time, it’s not as awkward.
DANA
How’s that sandwich?
DANA’S FATHER
It’s really good.
He looks at her.
DANA’S FATHER (CONT’D)
You want a bite?
DANA
(pause, smiles)
Maybe just a small one.
Her FATHER holds up half the sandwich as she takes a bite from it.
DANA (CONT’D)
That is good!
DANA’S FATHER
Yeah. Why don’t you get yourself one.
DANA
(pause, timidly)
Would that be okay?
DANA’S FATHER
Of course!
He signals at the WAITER.
FADE TO BLACK.

Continued in next message...

 

[Dan]

EXT. BEACH - AFTERNOON
We fade up on a very picturesque shot of the chilly New Jersey ocean. The beach is nearly empty, the occasional jogger or dog-walker walking by. We pull back to reveal DANA sitting on a concrete ledge, her legs dangling a foot or so off the ground. She looks out at the water, hugging herself tightly, trying to warm herself. A LITTLE GIRL walks up to her. She is dressed in a thick pink jacket.
LITTLE GIRL
Hey.
DANA
(smiles)
Hey.
They look at each other for a second.
LITTLE GIRL
My name’s Emily.
DANA
Hi, Emily.
LITTLE GIRL
What’s yours?
DANA
Dana.
LITTLE GIRL
What are you doing here?
DANA
I’m waiting for somebody. What’re you doing?
LITTLE GIRL
Me and my mommy were playing at the playground down there.
She points OS.
DANA
Yeah?
LITTLE GIRL
Yeah.
(pause)
You look sad.
DANA
Do I?
LITTLE GIRL
Yes. What’s wrong?
DANA
Nothing. Where’s your mom?
LITTLE GIRL
I don’t know. I was at the playground, and she went to get something out of the car, and I went to look for her, and now I don’t know where she is.
DANA looks down the beach to see a middle-aged WOMAN running towards them.
DANA
Is that her?
The LITTLE GIRL looks.
LITTLE GIRL
Mommy!
The WOMAN grabs the LITTLE GIRL.
WOMAN
Oh, my God, baby, I’m so sorry.
(sternly)
Don’t you ever run away like that again, do you hear me?
LITTLE GIRL
Yes. That’s Dana. She’s sad.
DANA smiles at the woman, embarrassed. The WOMAN, obviously very rich, gives her a condescending look.
WOMAN
Yes, well, let’s go, honey.
The WOMAN turns and walks away quickly. The LITTLE GIRL, looking over the WOMAN’S shoulder, waves at DANA. DANA smiles and waves back. A black BMW pulls into the parking lot behind her and CHRIS steps out. As he shuts the door and walks towards DANA, he presses the button that activates the automatic lock and alarm. He wears a long black trenchcoat over his suit. He pauses before walking up to DANA and sitting down a couple feet away from her on the ledge. They sit in silence for a long time. Finally, CHRIS breaks it.
CHRIS
Cold out today.
DANA
Yeah.
CHRIS
You warm enough with just that little jacket?
DANA
I’m fine.
CHRIS
So, do you mind telling me why we’re sitting here freezing our asses off?
DANA
(pause)
Okay. I have news.
CHRIS
Good or bad?
DANA
I’m not sure yet.
CHRIS
Well, Jesus Christ, just tell me already.
DANA
It’s just... I don’t want you to be mad.
CHRIS
Just say it.
DANA
(quickly)
I’m pregnant.
CHRIS is about to say something, then stops. He mulls over what she said, putting his head down slowly. He gets up from the ledge and starts pacing.
CHRIS
You sure?
DANA
Yeah.
There’s a painfully long silence.
CHRIS
I can’t fucking believe you.
DANA looks up quickly, hurt.
DANA
Excuse me?
CHRIS
With all the shit I’ve got going on right now, you’re gonna put this on me now?
DANA
‘With all the shit I’ve got going on,’ like I didn’t have anything going on in my life.
CHRIS
Please.
DANA
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
CHRIS
Nothing.
DANA
No, what do you mean, ‘please’?
CHRIS
Look, all I’m saying is, compared to most of us, sitting around listening to music and getting high all day doesn’t seem like such a rough life.
DANA
(quietly)
You fucking asshole.
DANA is beginning to cry, but trying her best to hide it.
CHRIS
What was that?
DANA
(loudly)
Fuck you!
CHRIS
That’s great, Dana. Look at you, you think you’re ready to be a Goddamn mother?
DANA looks away, tears rolling slowly down her cheeks.
DANA
It’s not like I planned for this to happen.
CHRIS
No, I don’t think you did, but it’s sure as shit working out in your favor, isn’t it? I’m sure you and your baby will have lots of fun spending my money all day long.
DANA
I fucking hate you.
CHRIS
God forbid you go out and get a job yourself, right? Not Dana, not as long as she has Daddy’s bank account to grab out of whenever she needs to.
DANA
Who the fuck do you think you are, you condescending prick?
There’s a long pause. CHRIS paces, his mind racing. DANA sits silently crying. The autumn wind blows strongly. After a long, pensive pause, CHRIS finally climbs up on the ledge. He turns around and looks at DANA for a second. From a low angle, we see him, searching for something to say, looking for an easy answer, as she sits hugging herself, freezing. After a long pause, he turns around and walks away. We hold on DANA as he gets into his BMW and drives off. We hold on DANA for a long time. Dashboard Confessional’s “Places You Have Come to Fear the Most” fades in on the soundtrack. Any sense of positivity DANA’S father may have instilled in her is now gone.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET - EVENING
DANA walks along a city street, busy now that the offices have closed for the night. The song from the previous scene carries over. DANA passes various people: an older man, a young black woman, an overweight man, etc. Each one glances at her, then turns away quickly before making eye contact. She passes a thirtysomething mother walking hand in hand with her young daughter. The daughter looks at DANA and smiles. DANA cannot bring herself to return the smile.
CUT TO:
INT. DINER - NIGHT
The song continues to play through this scene. DANA sits in the far corner of a grimy 24-hour diner. She is curled up in her half of the booth, looking out the window at the passing traffic. She has an untouched cup of black coffee sitting in front of her. The camera moves in on her slowly, as she realizes that she has gotten herself into the mess she is in, and there is really no right solution to her problems. She feels totally hopeless and alone in the world. She sighs heavily as she throws down a couple of dollars and gets out of the booth.
CUT TO:
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
CHRIS lies in the bed, all the lights off. He lies on his back, staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep. He hears the front door open, then close quietly. He rolls to his side so that his back is to the closed bedroom door. A second later, the bedroom door opens slowly. DANA creeps into the room quietly, looking defeated, depressed. CHRIS pretends to be sleeping as she takes off her shoes and pants and gets into bed. She rolls to her side so that she is back to back with CHRIS. He sits up and looks at her. He clearly feels horrible about how he left things at the beach. He speaks softly, desperately.
CHRIS
(quietly)
Hey.
DANA, her back still to CHRIS, closes her eyes tightly and pretends to sleep. CHRIS gets the message and lies back down. DANA opens her eyes again. She sighs heavily.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
INT. BEDROOM - MORNING
We fade in on DANA, alone in the bed. She wakes up slowly, sitting up. She sits there for a few seconds, thinking. She then picks up the phone on the bedside table and dials a number. We don’t hear what she says, but it’s clearly hard for her to say.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
DANA sits down on the couch with a pad and pen. She begins writing. Ben Folds Five’s “Brick” begins playing on the soundtrack. As DANA writes, her writing is spoken in voice over.
DANA (V.O.)
Dear Chris. There was no easy way for me to say this to you, so I’m writing it in a note, instead. Last night, I realized that you were right about me, I’m not ready to be a mother...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
DANA stuffs her clothes into a suitcase quickly.
DANA (V.O.)
But, I’m going to try anyway. I know in my heart I can do it...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
DANA walks to the front door with her suitcase. She glances at the small table next to the door, on which her note is sitting. After a beat, she opens the door and walks out.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET - DAY
DANA walks down the street with her suitcase.
DANA (V.O.)
I really need this. You were right, I’m tired of running away from responsibilities...
The camera pans around to reveal St. Mary’s Women’s Clinic. She walks through the front doors.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. WAITING ROOM - DAY
DANA sits in the dingy with her suitcase, looking younger than ever. She is surrounded by other scared-looking women.
DANA (V.O.)
Unfortunately, that means leaving a life of no responsibilities. That means leaving you...
An OS nurse calls DANA’S name. She looks up quickly.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. ST. MARY’S - DAY
DANA walks out of the clinic slowly, still feeling the anesthesia. The camera pans to reveal MELISSA waiting there for her. She immediately runs up and huge DANA, taking her suitcase as she does.
DANA (V.O.)
There’s no sense in pretending like things were good before, and I know firsthand that they wouldn’t have gotten better once the baby was born...
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. MELISSA’S BEDROOM - AFTERNOON
MELISSA stands over DANA, talking to her as she lies in MELISSA’S bed. DANA smiles weakly at something MELISSA says. MELISSA then walks out of frame and DANA looks out the window.
DANA (V.O.)
If it’s a boy, I’m naming him after his daddy. Please don’t come look for me. When the time is right, I’ll find you, I promise. I need this, Chris, I think we both know this...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. STREET - MORNING
DANA and MELISSA stand in front of a bus. DANA looks better now that she’s had a day or two to rest. She has her suitcase with her. DANA and MELISSA hug each other tightly. We can see that MELISSA has tears in her eyes.
DANA (V.O.)
Please don’t worry about us, I promise we’ll be fine, me and my baby. I’m sorry for everything. Love always, Dana.
DANA looks back once before getting on the bus. The doors close behind her. MELISSA smiles through her tears as she turns around and walks away. The song (”Brick”) ends.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
CHRIS comes through the front door, smiling, holding a large bouquet of roses in one hand and a small baby’s rattle in the other. He looks surprisingly happy and excited. He has clearly come around on the idea of the baby. He calls out excitedly.
CHRIS
Dana! Honey, I’ve been thinking...
He looks down and notices the note to him. He puts the rattle in his other hand and picks up the note. As he reads it, everything is suddenly silent. His face drops quickly. He slowly drops the roses and rattle.
ECU
The flowers crash to the ground silently. The rattle falls on top of them silently, the flowers spread all around the rattle. We hold on this image of shattered love.
CUT TO BLACK.

OK, tell me what you think.

 

[jimnyc]

Dan, what are you saving the files as on your computer? Do you use Word? Of so, most of those programs will allow you to save into a .txt file as well. It'll be a little easier to attach the txt file than copying and pasting. Just an Fyi!

 

[Dan]

Man, quit bugging me about it and just read the damn thing!!!!

 

[Dan]

Hey, guys, thanks for the comments, they were really helpful!:finger:

 

[Jackass]

Sorry...just read it...didnt feel like it before. I thought it was good. The beginning a little slow if you ask me. Not enough talking. Maybe it would be better in a movie instead of reading. Over all.. I thought it was very good. Interesting and also contoversial. Keeps your attention and leaves you wanting more!! When are we going to get the rest? I must say this though...you have to finish either this or the other movie before I read anything else!!!

 

[Dan]

Ummm, this is it. I guess the ending was sorta ambiguous, but, yeah, this is it for this one. It's just a short script. Glad you liked it, though. Like I said, Christmas is my goal for completing the other one.

 

[Jackass]

Ohh ok...sorry. Didnt realize you were ending it there. Just a short movie. Ok. I can deal with it now. Good job

 

[Dan]

Thanks, I realize the ending can be really confusing in this form, I didn't know how else to do it, though.

 

[Dan]

Soooo, anybody else have anything to add?

Maybe, perhaps the people that constantly complain that I never write anything????

Anybody?

 

[jimnyc]

Ok, ok, keep your panties on!

I read it earlier today and was quite impressed.

Cons - too many references to "music". Maybe it'll sound better if I saw the flick, but it seemed like overkill to me. You gave the impression with the "still feeling the anesthesia" that she had a procedure done while at the clinic. Then she talks about her and her baby being fine at the end. I'd like to see how you write off the anesthesia part, or where she mentions her baby, as they are in direct contradiction of one another.

Pros - Outstanding and controversial story. Starts off slowly and slowly builds up the drama as things proceed. Well written and leaves the reader wanting more.

You do realize film time on this will probably be like 4 minutes? Do you plan on continuing the story?

(sorry the cons seemed longer than the pros, it's just that the sentences were longer! I loved the article and plan on reading more should you decide to continue it)

 

[Bry]

Hey, Dan, thanks for the read. this is my first time commenting here, but I too am an aspiring writer (unfortunately, i do more aspiring than writing.) I published a few things in the University Creative Writing mag back when, but haven't done much since.

I thought
;The abortion issue is a little too "dramatic", and by that I mean maybe you rely too much on a charged issue rather than actually building the tension yourself with character development / situations. From the first scene, we already know more or less the lines along which the story is going to travel.
;Some of your "cues", as in things that are supposedly going through the character's head without any speech, would be difficult to communicate: it reads almost like a music video rather than a screen play. On the other hand, I know you're a fan of Dawson's Creek, so...
;I see some disparity between a successful suit in a BMW living with a hair died, pot smoking, couch potato whose best friend is a clerk in a record store. Strange commentary you're making about gender roles...
;the ending does leave something to be desired. I'm not exactly optimistic about a girl two months pregnant with an aversion to work leaving her support system and blowing a third of her father's 120$ to get on a bus to nowhere because she decided overnight to be independent and responsible.
;It seems like, although your main character is female, that you are driving the whole time toward the reaction of the boy friend, that his reaction is what is the crux of the entire piece, his flowers and rattle, his broken heart, and that for me leaves things a bit backwards.
;I liked the divorced dad talking tough love scene. There are other moments I like as well. It fits best as one thread in a greater episode of a greater series of a show along the lines of My So Called Life (a series I liked, as short lived as it was.)

I hope you find some of these comments helpful. In general, I like what you have here, but I don't think it stands on its own.

 

[Dan]

Bry-
All comments are welcome and great, thanks for taking the time to read it. I'm not making excuses for it here, but I will say that this is just a rough draft of something that I was just writing for the hell of it anyway. You're right about all the "cues", but...

On the other hand, I know you're a fan of Dawson's Creek, so...

Are you talkin' crap!? J/K, I don't care, yeah, it really is very overly dramatic soap opera-ish stuff.

I was actually a huge fan of My So-Called Life, I've been saving for the DVD which came out a while ago.

Jim-
It would probably work out to about 20 minutes if I were actually going to film it, it usually matches up to about a minute a page. But, like I said, I was just writing it for fun and practice, I don't really expect to ever film it.

As for the ending, I realized that this was going to be a problem when I was writing it. Here's what I was getting at, which is hard to figure out by reading it, I guess...

Dana writes Chris a letter saying that she's keeping the baby, naming it after him, etc. because as much of a jerk as he was, she still loves him, despite herself. She doesn't want to hurt him so she says that she's keeping the baby, knowing that she'll never see him again, then she goes and has the abortion, which she decided she was going to do sometime around when she was at the diner.

And all the music, yeah, that just comes out of me being just as big of a fan of music as film. Was there a lot? I think there's only like three or four songs used in it.

But, anyway, thanks a lot for the comments. To be honest, most of the time, though they might be hard to read, negative comments are usually more helpful than positive ones.

 

[Jackass]

Oh really?? Then it SUCKED!!! LOL LOL Just kidding!!

 

[factorfilms]

Originally posted by jimnyc

You do realize film time on this will probably be like 4 minutes?

[/B]

Actually he said it was about 24 pages long so it would be about 24 mins, typical industry standard is 1 page=1 minute on screen. I have actually found that this is mostly true.

As far as the story, it's not bad. Definately a tension builder. The dialogue was good (which you actually did a really good job since dialogue is the hardest thing to write in a screenplay). All scenes are explained well. I reallly don't have any complaints, maybe try something different for your next story/stories. It seems like everyone does or thinks about teen drama/pregnancy/suicide/ect. becasue honestly it's easy to write (especially if you are a teen). Anyway nice little flick though.

 

[Dan]

Hey, Factor, welcome to the board!

Thanks for the feedback. It's very true that the story is a little overdone, and yeah a lot of stuff I do is teen-oriented, mainly because I think people should write about what they know about, and being only 20 years old, I don't know too much about anything. I'm doing my best to branch out now, though.

So, thanks again, I'm kinda honored that your first post was in reply to something I've written. Just wondering, what's the story behind your username?

Anyway, again, welcome to the board!

 

[factorfilms]

Well as far as writing what you know about, I totally agree, so continue doing it. Factor Films is my production company, we've done videos for many businesses and individuals (weddings, reunions, ect.). The website is http://factorfilms.topcities.com/home.html although it is in the process of being redone it gives you a basic idea, and it's not really updated but it's less than a year old so it's not too bad. :cof:

Thanks for the warm welcome.

 

[Dan]

Site looks pretty cool, man. When I can get to a computer with a faster connection, I'll check out the trailer for The Chance of Fate. It sounds really cool. Have you seen "Waking Life"? This sounds a lot like that (great movie, by the way).