Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty [Satire]

[Drop Dead Fred]

I thought this was pretty funny.


Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty

Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty

November 20, 2021

KENOSHA, WI—In a stunning reversal, Kyle Rittenhouse awoke this morning to discover that he had been found guilty after all.

Prosecutors explained that during the night, they had found dozens of mail-in jury votes declaring the defendant guilty on all counts. Apparently, boxes of these mail-in votes arrived in a truck at the courthouse around 3:00 am.

Attorneys for Mr. Rittenhouse were dumbfounded as to how such a thing could have happened, raising questions as to the validity of mail-in jury voting. They stated: “We’ve never heard of this. This isn’t part of the legal system. Where did these votes even come from?”

“How DARE you question the sanctity of our criminal justice system!” cried the prosecuting attorneys. “There is no justice until EVERY vote is counted!”

Prosecutors then explained that it was a new COVID measure they had just instituted. “But given how well it’s worked out,” they said, “we’re planning on making it permanent.”

 

[Uncensored2008]

I thought this was pretty funny.


Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty

Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty

November 20, 2021

KENOSHA, WI—In a stunning reversal, Kyle Rittenhouse awoke this morning to discover that he had been found guilty after all.

Prosecutors explained that during the night, they had found dozens of mail-in jury votes declaring the defendant guilty on all counts. Apparently, boxes of these mail-in votes arrived in a truck at the courthouse around 3:00 am.

Attorneys for Mr. Rittenhouse were dumbfounded as to how such a thing could have happened, raising questions as to the validity of mail-in jury voting. They stated: “We’ve never heard of this. This isn’t part of the legal system. Where did these votes even come from?”

“How DARE you question the sanctity of our criminal justice system!” cried the prosecuting attorneys. “There is no justice until EVERY vote is counted!”

Prosecutors then explained that it was a new COVID measure they had just instituted. “But given how well it’s worked out,” they said, “we’re planning on making it permanent.”

Ah yes, the Bee has something the left lost so long ago...

Humor.

 

[Wuwei]

Ah yes, the Bee has something the left lost so long ago...

Humor.

I thought that was pretty funny too. But I'm from the left and this was one of very few right wing satires I've seen that was quite funny.
As far as the left losing humor, not true, at least according to the left. Have you ever read Andy Borowitz or The Onion?

This is a typical Borowitz:

SESAME STREET (The Borowitz Report)—Ted Cruz’s unprovoked attack on Big Bird has cost the Republican senator the support of a longtime backer, Oscar the Grouch.​

​

In a rare press conference at his trash can, Oscar said that he had supported Cruz’s political career for years “to show solidarity with a fellow-monster.”​

​

For Oscar, however, the dustup with the popular avian character raised concerns about further association with Cruz: “He could hurt my brand.”​

​

“Don’t get me wrong—I can’t stand Big Bird,” he said. “His relentless sunniness, to me, is intolerable. But that’s no excuse for Ted Cruz to go off like an asshat.”​

.

 

[Uncensored2008]

I thought that was pretty funny too. But I'm from the left and this was one of very few right wing satires I've seen that was quite funny.
As far as the left losing humor, not true, at least according to the left. Have you ever read Andy Borowitz or the Onion?

This is a typical Borowitz:

SESAME STREET (The Borowitz Report)—Ted Cruz’s unprovoked attack on Big Bird has cost the Republican senator the support of a longtime backer, Oscar the Grouch.​

​

In a rare press conference at his trash can, Oscar said that he had supported Cruz’s political career for years “to show solidarity with a fellow-monster.”​

​

For Oscar, however, the dustup with the popular avian character raised concerns about further association with Cruz: “He could hurt my brand.”​

​

“Don’t get me wrong—I can’t stand Big Bird,” he said. “His relentless sunniness, to me, is intolerable. But that’s no excuse for Ted Cruz to go off like an asshat.”​

.

The Onion is bitter and hate filled.

It hasn't been funny in a decade.

 

[Wuwei]

The Onion is bitter and hate filled.

It hasn't been funny in a decade.

That's the way it goes. The right and left think each other's humor is hate filled. I can step back and see the theater in both sides.

 

[Doc7505]

BB does it again..
Really intelligent humor. They must be thinking so far ahead, bouncing hypotheticals off each other and thinking about the funny articles that ***might*** be written if those hypotheticals were to come to pass. They are wargaming!
They've satirically exposed the Progressive Marxist/DSA Democrat Commies for what they truly are. Criminal ideologists that seek power and enslavement of others without regard to the results.