Political jokes

[bluzman61]

What would you call someone with an I.Q. of 80 at a school with all liberal teachers and all liberal students? Valedictorian.

 

[ChemEngineer]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!” cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc", says the man "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great", says the businessman.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting
has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew
my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle vines when he fell into the river and his penis was bitten off by a crocodile before Tarzan could swim to shore. He rode a zebra to the hospital where surgeons tried to find a substitute for his lost manhood. All they could come up with was a trunk of a recently deceased elephant, so they sewed that on.

Months later after recuperating, Tarzan returned to the hospital and the surgeon asked him how his new penis was working.

Tarzan said "It's tremendous! And it's so sensitive and flexible. There's just one problem."

Surgeon : "What's that?"

Tarzan: "It keeps shoving hay up my ass."

 

[ChemEngineer]

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I’m so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’m disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad.”

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

He answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center.”

Bubba said Hillary had more girlfriends than he did.

 

[bluzman61]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!” cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc", says the man "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great", says the businessman.
"I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting
has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew
my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

Tarzan was swinging through the jungle vines when he fell into the river and his penis was bitten off by a crocodile before Tarzan could swim to shore. He rode a zebra to the hospital where surgeons tried to find a substitute for his lost manhood. All they could come up with was a trunk of a recently deceased elephant, so they sewed that on.

Months later after recuperating, Tarzan returned to the hospital and the surgeon asked him how his new penis was working.

Tarzan said "It's tremendous! And it's so sensitive and flexible. There's just one problem."

Surgeon : "What's that?"

Tarzan: "It keeps shoving hay up my ass."

Hilarious! Thanks for the post.

 

[ChemEngineer]

Hilarious! Thanks for the post.

bluzman61 You most welcome, Friend. Now please this:

The devil walked into a church one Sunday and everyone ran out the nearest door immediately except for one old man. He just sat in the pew with his arms crossed.
Devil stormed over aid sneered, "Do you know who I am?"
Old man: "I know who ya are."
Devil: "Ain't you afraid of ME!"
Old man: "Naw I ain't afraid of you!"
Devil: "WHY NOT!"
Old man: "Cause I been married to your sister for thirty-eight years!"

Women LOVE this joke, I promise. It's as if to say, "And don't you forget how tough we are, Mister!"

 

[bluzman61]

Hilarious! Thanks for the post.

bluzman61 You most welcome, Friend. Now please this:

The devil walked into a church one Sunday and everyone ran out the nearest door immediately except for one old man. He just sat in the pew with his arms crossed.
Devil stormed over aid sneered, "Do you know who I am?"
Old man: "I know who ya are."
Devil: "Ain't you afraid of ME!"
Old man: "Naw I ain't afraid of you!"
Devil: "WHY NOT!"
Old man: "Cause I been married to your sister for thirty-eight years!"

Women LOVE this joke, I promise. It's as if to say, "And don't you forget how tough we are, Mister!"

Thanks for ANOTHER hilarious joke.

 

[ChemEngineer]

Bluzman61 is a great Bud of mine.

Didja hear about the farmer asittin' on his front porch? A boy walks down the dirt road in front of his porch carrying a roll of chicken wire.
Farmer: "Hey boy where ya goin' with that chicken wire?"
Boy: "Gonna get me some chickens."
Farmer: "You cain't catch no chickens with chicken wire!"
An hour later, the boy returns in the other direction carrying two live, squawking chickens.

Next day the boy is walking by and farmer says, "Hey boy, where ya goin' with that duck tape?"
Boy: "Gonna get me some ducks."
Farmer: "You cain't catch no ducks with duck tape."

An hour later the boy walks back in the other direction carrying two live, honking ducks.
Farmer scratches his head.

Next day the boy is walking back down the dirt road.
Farmer: "Hey boy where ya goin' with them sticks?"
Boy: "These ain't sticks, these here is pussy willows."
Farmer: "Hold on I'll get my hat and come with ya."

 

[SaxxyBlues]

 

[SaxxyBlues]

 

[SaxxyBlues]

 

[SaxxyBlues]

 

[SaxxyBlues]

 

[Wyld Kard]

 

[Corazon]

Joe Biden supporters: no offence here, just joking

 

[Wyld Kard]

What is Joe Biden's favorite game?

Space Invaders.

 

[bluzman61]

What do you call a liberal who has an I.Q. of 70? Gifted.

 

[Wyld Kard]

 

[Votto]

Communist jokes are not funny unless everyone gets them

 

[ChemEngineer]

What would you say about a group of liberal lunatics covered in cement up to their necks? Not enough cement!

But you repeat yourself.....

 

[ChemEngineer]

Two Republicans are in the men's locker room after a workout at the gym.
Tom says to Ralph, "You know we're both in our fifties now and I'm wondering if I'm normal since I only get laid about two to three times a week now."
A Democrat nearby giggles out loud.
Ralph replies, "Well Tom, that's about the same as me and I'm pretty happy with it. I expect you are too."
The Democrat giggles again.
Ralph is very irritated and yells at the Democrat: "You think it's so funny that we get laid two to three times a week! How often do YOU get laid, mister?"
Democrat: "Once a year."

Tom: "Then why are you laughing at us?"

Democrat: "Tonight's the night!"