Nidal Hasan Says He’s Amish In Last Ditch Effort To Save Beard

[longknife]

by Paul on October 20, 2012 ·

Nidal Hasan’s Official U.S. Army Photograph

FORT HOOD, TX – In a last minute effort to save the life of his beard, Fort Hood shooting suspect Major Nidal Hasan told a military panel that he cannot shave due to his Amish faith.

The Amish, or Pennsylvania Dutch, are known for simple living, plain dress, and their traditionalist Christian fellowship.

“As a proud Amishman, I must wear my beard in keeping with my religion,” Hasan said today, to a courtroom of military members who were clearly shocked at the new revelation.

The Army psychologist is facing court martial on murder charges stemming from a November 2009 attack at the base. Witnesses reported Hasan shouting “Allah Akbar”, or “God is Great” in Arabic, before allegedly opening fire on fellow soldiers.

“Nidal is clearly being singled out here for his religious views,” said criminal defense attorney Lawrence Gilder. “He is a pious, hard-working Amish man from a good family. In fact, our defense will demonstrate that the Major has an alibi at the time of attack: he was milking 3 cows and afterwards he made love to his pet goat, Walter.”

Most outsiders assumed from Hasan’s name, his parents’ Palestinian background, and his business card tagline of “Soldier of Allah”, that he was Muslim. The judge, Col. Jeffrey Tribley, pressed Hasan for more information on this discrepancy.

“Yes sir. I am Muslim and Amish,” Hasan responded. “This of course means that my beard is two-times as important to my religion, and under religious exceptions in the UCMJ, it is required.”

According to the Duffel Blog’s legal analysts, the case for Hasan’s beard is strong.

“Yeah bro, seriously. He’s definitely got a strong argument for the beard,” said Barracks Lawyer PFC Evan Rodriguez. “I’m pretty sure he can claim this whole trial is hazing and get it thrown out too.”

But some detractors say this latest diversion distracts from the real issues.

“The fact that we have to sit here and see news stories over and over about this man’s beard when he’s on trial for murder is lunacy,” said CSM Robert Altman. “What are some of the more important issues at stake here that many have been ignoring? Well, here’s a few: he hasn’t worn his dogtags in months. I’ve seen him in white socks on quite a few occasions.”

“I mean really, white socks. This son of a bitch needs to be executed for that. Let the Army make an example out of him, right?,” added Altman.

Lawyers for Hasan continue to press for beard leniency, but have said that if he is forcibly shaved, they will motion to dismiss the case on the grounds that their client would be “forced to endure a hate crime.”

Read more: Nidal Hasan Says He’s Amish In Last Ditch Effort To Save Beard | The Duffel Blog
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[BecauseIKnow]

He's mentally ill

 

[Grandma]

But Amish guys aren't supposed to join the military. His ordnang is gonna be pissed!

 

[Noomi]

I thought this article was serious at first, until I started laughing.

 

[theDoctorisIn]

You guys know this is a joke, right?

 

[BecauseIKnow]

You guys know this is a joke, right?

Ha I just noticed that. I don't get it at all though

 

[theDoctorisIn]

You guys know this is a joke, right?

Ha I just noticed that. I don't get it at all though

Apparently, it's "military" humor.

The Duffel Blog serves the men and women of the US Military with a daily dose of military humor, funny military pictures, and faux news. We take an interesting and funny look at military life. We focus on veterans, military stories, defense, politics (sometimes) and life on base — with a comedic twist. We are in no way, shape, or form, a real news outlet. Just about everything on this website is satirical in nature.

 

[waltky]

Amish beard-cutting convictions upheld...

Convictions upheld for 15 in Amish beard-cutting attacks
The Amish community members were convicted of staging night-time attacks against the enemies of the Bishop Sam Mullet, forcibly shaving five men's beards and head hair.

The criminal convictions of 15 members of an Amish community who forcibly cut their rivals' beards were upheld Wednesday by a three-judge appellate panel in Cincinnati. The 6th Court of Appeals was considering their second review of the convictions, which have been dismissed and reinstated twice since the crimes were committed in 2011, the Cleveland Plain-Dealer reported. The appeal was dismissed because the argument brought up in the second appeal should have been brought up in the first, and judges rebutted complaints that their sentences were too harsh, saying they felt there "substantively reasonable" for the crimes committed.

The 15 people, members of an Amish community in Bergholz, Ohio, were convicted on conspiracy charges in September 2012, for waking five enemies in the middle of the night and cutting off their hair with horse shears and a battery-powered razor. Convicted with them was their leader, Bishop Sam Mullet, who was said to have told them to carry out the attacks in what prosecutors said was a home invasion connected with a family feud. They were prosecuted for hate crimes based on head hair and beards being sacred symbols of faith for Amish men, as well as defense attorneys arguing their clients were trying to bring their victims back to God.

Mullet is currently serving a 10-year, nine-month sentence, and the 15 others each received between one and five years in prison. "We hope that this fact, along with the fact that Samuel Mullet will remain incarcerated for his convictions on obstruction of justice and lying to the FBI, allow the victims of these attacks to continue living their lives safely and peacefully," said Mike Tobin, a spokesman for the U.S. Attorney's Office.

Mullet and the 15 others were also convicted on other counts, including hate crimes, in 2012. The hate crime convictions, though, were thrown out in 2014 when the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that the jury had not been properly advised on how to decide if a hate crime had been committed, and they were re-sentenced in 2015 for other crimes committed, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.

Convictions upheld for 15 in Amish beard-cutting attacks