- Sep 22, 2013
- 4,956
- 250
- 85
Here's a fun anti-terrorism mock-heist story inspired A Fish Called Wanda, a short-story that reminds us that during this Coronavirus quarantine tribulation, we could all use some fun anti-terrorism directed storytelling, to help us simply forget about all the dark woes that may cloud our holiday season in New York and America in 2020! Thanks so much for reading (and God bless),
====
This is the story of how I robbed a New York bank using a special anti-terrorism distraction in Times Square during the holiday season! My name's Isaac Satan, and I'm a professional bank robber. Don't try to do what I did. This is the story of a daring heist that drew the attention of the national press while denouncing anti-American terrorism. I'm an Algerian-American, and I consider my deed symbolic of a rather patriotic imagination. I feel like a true diplomat.
I used to work in a fancy jewelry and expensive wrist-watch store in New York, specializing in the sale of very high-end watches and jewelry for men and women in the city. I worked there for 2 years after graduating from NYU with a degree in communications. I liked my job, but something was missing. Nevertheless, I'll never forget all the incredible items of great Rolex watches and jewelry from around the world I evaluated and marketed and advertised and sold in that store during my legal employment!
This is the bank. The Bank of New York Mellon is considered one of the finest insured banks in America and certainly in New York. There's incredible infrastructure and interior design and security and service personnel. The vault-room contains anywhere from $40 to $50 million in cash on a given Friday afternoon, which is when this robbery takes place. The Bank of New York Mellon reminds all New Yorkers of the advantages of modern federalism imagination.
This is what I looked like when I walked into the bank on the day of the heist carrying what was obviously a colorful toy water-gun. This is a brown paper-bag mask. I walked in with my toy water-gun and grabbed the first guard I saw and announced to the people inside the bank, "This is a robbery, and this water-gun is very very dangerous."
Of course, I had such bravado since I showed the guard that my toy water-gun was inserted with a special protective glass tube containing very corrosive HCL acid. I shot the gun at the bank floor and it pierced through the marble. The guard immediately dropped his gun on the floor and allowed me to carry him as my heist-time bank hostage!
As I walked to the vault-room with my hostage-guard with my acid-gun, I told the bank personnel and customers and other disarmed guards sitting quietly on the floor with their hands on their heads that while I was performing this heist, the NYPD was dealing with a serious terrorist bomb threat in the heart of Times Square. You see, I phoned in the bomb threat to the NYPD station ahead of the bank robbery and suggested I was an ISIS terrorist with the intention to draw national headlines by blowing up Times Square unless flocks of police officers and newsmen flooded Times Square to cover the story of a very angered rogue ex-ISIS terrorist. The NYPD realized I was just a lunatic who just wanted media attention but had no choice but to head to Times Square to secure the area. While this completely fake distraction was ensuing, I was robbing the Bank of New York Mellon.
I walked my bank hostage-guard to the vault room of the Bank of New York Mellon alongside the bank executive who had the combination lock to the bank vault, advising all bank personnel not to set off any alarm lest some greater conflagration regarding the terrorism crowd at Times Square grow! The bank executive calmly walked to the vault and opened the giant vault-door. He then procured the cash and piled it on the floor outside the vault for me to put into my convenient fold-out duffel-bag.
I let the hostage-guard go but instructed him to sit down on the floor and tie up his hands and feet. I then walked out with $20 million in cash in my duffel-bag along with a female bank customer as my new hostage, a pretty French woman named Tina. I took off my bag-mask once we walked out of the bank and threw my toy acid-gun in the nearby sewer manhole. I then fled with Tina to the nearby New York subway depot.
Tina and I took the New York subway train from the city all the way outside the city to a destination where a stolen rental-car was waiting for me, a handsome and reliable Ford Escape eco-hybrid vehicle. I drove the Escape with Tina in it to the JFK Airport after depositing my stolen cash into my private Swiss bank account through another banking center (outside NYC!).
I released Tina, my hostage at the JFK Airport and boarded a plane headed to the Virgin Islands. Meanwhile, the New York mayor was busy working with local pedestrians outside Trump Tower to assure the public that the Times Square terrorism incident was completely diluted and no danger was present. As the mayor and the good people were working on fixing a local street problem, I was flying to the Virgin Islands on my Aeroflot business-class flight, purchased with some of my stolen money. This was a very dramatic day for New York, right?
NY TIMES: "We don't know the identity of the masked bandit who robbed the New York bank that day, but we're about 50% sure he wasn't connected to the terrorist threat on Times Square, and yet, we don't know how he got wind of the terrorist threat which drew the attention of all policemen and newsmen that day; so nevertheless, we'll remember this very strange and dramatic and thankfully ultimately nonviolent day in New York City as a day when terrorism was miraculously downplayed by the offbeat story of a very eccentric masked dummy, which goes to show you that in New York, anything can happen on any given Friday!"
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
====
This is the story of how I robbed a New York bank using a special anti-terrorism distraction in Times Square during the holiday season! My name's Isaac Satan, and I'm a professional bank robber. Don't try to do what I did. This is the story of a daring heist that drew the attention of the national press while denouncing anti-American terrorism. I'm an Algerian-American, and I consider my deed symbolic of a rather patriotic imagination. I feel like a true diplomat.
I used to work in a fancy jewelry and expensive wrist-watch store in New York, specializing in the sale of very high-end watches and jewelry for men and women in the city. I worked there for 2 years after graduating from NYU with a degree in communications. I liked my job, but something was missing. Nevertheless, I'll never forget all the incredible items of great Rolex watches and jewelry from around the world I evaluated and marketed and advertised and sold in that store during my legal employment!
This is the bank. The Bank of New York Mellon is considered one of the finest insured banks in America and certainly in New York. There's incredible infrastructure and interior design and security and service personnel. The vault-room contains anywhere from $40 to $50 million in cash on a given Friday afternoon, which is when this robbery takes place. The Bank of New York Mellon reminds all New Yorkers of the advantages of modern federalism imagination.
This is what I looked like when I walked into the bank on the day of the heist carrying what was obviously a colorful toy water-gun. This is a brown paper-bag mask. I walked in with my toy water-gun and grabbed the first guard I saw and announced to the people inside the bank, "This is a robbery, and this water-gun is very very dangerous."
Of course, I had such bravado since I showed the guard that my toy water-gun was inserted with a special protective glass tube containing very corrosive HCL acid. I shot the gun at the bank floor and it pierced through the marble. The guard immediately dropped his gun on the floor and allowed me to carry him as my heist-time bank hostage!
As I walked to the vault-room with my hostage-guard with my acid-gun, I told the bank personnel and customers and other disarmed guards sitting quietly on the floor with their hands on their heads that while I was performing this heist, the NYPD was dealing with a serious terrorist bomb threat in the heart of Times Square. You see, I phoned in the bomb threat to the NYPD station ahead of the bank robbery and suggested I was an ISIS terrorist with the intention to draw national headlines by blowing up Times Square unless flocks of police officers and newsmen flooded Times Square to cover the story of a very angered rogue ex-ISIS terrorist. The NYPD realized I was just a lunatic who just wanted media attention but had no choice but to head to Times Square to secure the area. While this completely fake distraction was ensuing, I was robbing the Bank of New York Mellon.
I walked my bank hostage-guard to the vault room of the Bank of New York Mellon alongside the bank executive who had the combination lock to the bank vault, advising all bank personnel not to set off any alarm lest some greater conflagration regarding the terrorism crowd at Times Square grow! The bank executive calmly walked to the vault and opened the giant vault-door. He then procured the cash and piled it on the floor outside the vault for me to put into my convenient fold-out duffel-bag.
I let the hostage-guard go but instructed him to sit down on the floor and tie up his hands and feet. I then walked out with $20 million in cash in my duffel-bag along with a female bank customer as my new hostage, a pretty French woman named Tina. I took off my bag-mask once we walked out of the bank and threw my toy acid-gun in the nearby sewer manhole. I then fled with Tina to the nearby New York subway depot.
Tina and I took the New York subway train from the city all the way outside the city to a destination where a stolen rental-car was waiting for me, a handsome and reliable Ford Escape eco-hybrid vehicle. I drove the Escape with Tina in it to the JFK Airport after depositing my stolen cash into my private Swiss bank account through another banking center (outside NYC!).
I released Tina, my hostage at the JFK Airport and boarded a plane headed to the Virgin Islands. Meanwhile, the New York mayor was busy working with local pedestrians outside Trump Tower to assure the public that the Times Square terrorism incident was completely diluted and no danger was present. As the mayor and the good people were working on fixing a local street problem, I was flying to the Virgin Islands on my Aeroflot business-class flight, purchased with some of my stolen money. This was a very dramatic day for New York, right?
NY TIMES: "We don't know the identity of the masked bandit who robbed the New York bank that day, but we're about 50% sure he wasn't connected to the terrorist threat on Times Square, and yet, we don't know how he got wind of the terrorist threat which drew the attention of all policemen and newsmen that day; so nevertheless, we'll remember this very strange and dramatic and thankfully ultimately nonviolent day in New York City as a day when terrorism was miraculously downplayed by the offbeat story of a very eccentric masked dummy, which goes to show you that in New York, anything can happen on any given Friday!"
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
