Mountain Man Life Hack: A Neat Trick to Prevent a Big Old Mangy Sasquatch From Making Sweet Love on Ya!

[Lord Long Rod]

“So thar I wuz, forcibly bent over a big old oak tree stump, face down, drawers around my ankles, about to be savagely violated by this swarthy old 14’ tall monster of a Sasquatch and his mangy appendage. I had a grimace on my face, and I wuz puckering up sumthang fierce. Then I remembered an old trick that I wuz able to execute that saved my old redneck ass, literally!”



“But before I gits to that part of the story, let me tell ya how I got inta this here predicament in the first place. Ya see, when you live by yourself fer years and years like Old Uncle Roy, you am liable to adopt habits that might be right peculiar to folks looking in from the outside. Ya might start talking to yerself, for example. Ya might start havin you sum intimate relations with yer critters. Me, I lace my morning coffee with a generous helping of cocaine! It fucking fuels me fer the rest of the day!”



“So thar I am, plowing me up my lil plot of land, gittin ready to plant my garden cuz the springtime is a’creepin up on us. I wuz higher than a kite. In fact, I did not even need my mule to plow. I went it alone! That’s how jacked I wuz!! In fact, I wuz so jacked I did not even notice I fergot to put on my clothes this morning! I wuz bare-assed nekkid, save fer my socks, boots, and hat! Like I dun sed, living by yerself fer a long time will do thangs to yer brain.”



“So I wuz bare-assed, but I didn’t know it. That is, I did not know it until I felt a sharp tug on my tallywacker. I looked down and seen this lil monkey creature. Now, ya got to understand that Old Roy looks like he’s got a python in his britches. I ain’t a’meaning to brag er nuthin’. It is jest the troof of the matter.”



“That lil monkey stood about 3’ tall. It had picked up my peter off the ground (apparently I had been dragging it around while numbed by the blow), threw it over its shoulder, and took off to drag it away. I guess maybe he though my Johnson was food, like a snake er something. I yelled at the monkey to drop my dang dong!!”



“Well, that thar critter dropped my wang and it fell onto the ground with a commanding THUD. I think I frightened the monkey more than anything, cuz it jumped at first then it got all angry and tried to grab my dick agin. ‘Oh no you don’t, you rascal!!’, I sed as I coiled up my fuck-stick. The lil monkey wuz really pissed now, a whoopin’ and a hollarin’ and sech. I got the impression it wuz FUSSING at me!”



I carry me a snake gun while outside. Ya got to be careful and on the lookout fer them Timber rattlers and Copperhaids. They make a good substitute fer sausage if you skin ‘em and fry ‘em up with high heat! I gots me a .357 magum Smith revolver loaded with .38 special rat shot stuck in a holster and tide to my plow. I whipped out my jammy, aimed it at the monkey, and blew the shit out of it! It wuz a cryin and floppin’ around on the ground!”



“I grabbed up my machete, walked over to the critter, and hacked off its head. It took several blows too. My machete wuz more dull than original content programming on Netflix! But eventually, I whacked it off!”



“Then I noticed sumthang. The nose, the cone head appearance ... this wuz NOT a monkey. This thang is a fucking Sasquatch! GODDAMN IT TO HELL!!! If’n it were jest a monkey then it wuz probably sumbody’s escaped pet. But Bigfoot is native to these here woods. They is also huge assholes!! Eventually the momma and poppa squatch is gonna come around lookin fer this little twat. That means trouble is a’brewin’!”



“I took the lil baby Bigfoot remains inta my cabin. I figured I’d filet that sumbitch and get me a nice tender loin on account of its young age. I had me sum plans fer the haid too. I wuz gonna strip all the meat off it and make me a bong outa its skull!”



“Well that thar young squatch filleted out right nice. I had it marinating in a concoction of soy sauce, ginger, garlic, and a little wine. A little later in the day I figured I’d fire up sum hickory in an empty 55 gallon drum and grill it up. I hadn’t got to the head yet when I decided to take me a little rest. So, I plopped that baby Sasquatch head down on my coffee table, then kicked back in my lazy boy recliner fer a spell.”



“Now I had already warmed me up a can of beans with a blow torch to eat on. So I wuz sitting thar in my old easy chair, eating me a bowl of beans, then I decided to turn on the boob tube. Now, as you know, I live way back up here in the deep mountain woods of North Carolina, so I ain’t got no TV reception up here. So I mainly jest watch my VHS tapes. On this particular afternoon I wuz in the mood fer watching a classic, so I stuck “Anal Virgins 6” in the videa player.”



“Now it weren’t too long before I felt a burning in my loins! AV6 always gets my juices a’flowing! Alls of a sudden I got me a brilliant stroke of genius. What if’n I wuz to stick my dick in that thar warm bowl of beans and kind of move it around a little? I reckoned it would feel just like a warm pussy! So I pulled out my old hawg leg and slid it in them beans.”



“Now fella, let me tell ya sumthang. Them thar beans were cool enough to eat, but that don’t necessarily mean that they is cool enough to stick yer old pecker into. Them fuckers scalded my cod sumthang fierce! The goddamn bowl hit the ceiling and I shot right up outa that chair! That damn hot bean juice wuz burning up my dick, so I made a mad dash to the kitchen sank, turned on the cold running water, grabbed my little sink hose and commenced to spraying down my nethers. I gotta tell ya, that hose-down felt DAMN GOOD!”



“Once I cooled off my man-tackle I went back to my movie. Man, that movie is smoking hot. I mean, I never lost my boner, not one bit. By this point I knew I had to do sumthang about it. And I knew jest what I wuz gonna do!”



“You know about them thar new-fangled sex robots? Well I got me one specially custom made. I had ‘em make her look jest like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, that smoking hot commie chick from New York City that went and got herself elected to Congress! That sumbitch sex bot cost me over seven grand!”



So I got old Alex out of the closet and bent her over my coffee table. I had already destroyed the pussy on it, so I had to make a rear entry. I slopped my old purple-headed love rocket up with peanut oil and then slammed it in her. Fortunately, my burns from the hot beans were minor, so there weren’t too much pain involved, at least not fer me!”



“That old Ocasio-Cortez doll, being a robot, kept talking about ‘new green deals” and raising taxes as I banged it, which kind of pissed me off. So, I jest banged her harder. She wouldn’t shut up about that shit. So, spying my empty bean bowl on the floor, I picked it up and used it to beat the shit outa that thang until it shut up. Then I resumed the anal pounding!”



“Now, what I did not know is that a great old big Sasquatch has snuck up and wuz spying on me through the window. In hindsight I think it may have been searching fer that young’un I kilt earlier. What’s more, based on what happened next I think it must have seen the severed Sasquatch head on the coffee table next to old Alex as I was a’bangin her.”



“The next thang I know is that this absolutely HUGE Bigfoot came crashing through my living room wall!! I backed out of Alex in shock. That beast picked up the Ocasio-Cortez doll and ripped it in half. Then it picked up the severed Sasquatch head and looked at it. I swear, I think I saw tears well up in that thar critter’s eyes. I wuz still in shock. I should have been going fer a gun. I would have if I knowed what wuz gonna happen next.”



“That big Sasquatch set the head back down on the table, then turned its evil gaze toward me, it growled at me, showing its teeth. Then it screamed at me in rage. By that point my brain is telling me to grab the closest gun. But I had no time. That goddamn Bigfoot wuz on top of me!”



“That fucker grabbed me by the throat and dragged me out of my cabin through the hole it made in the living room wall. It then dragged me out to a big old tree stump out near my cabin. It layed me down across the stump, on my belly. I wuz alread bare-assed cuz I was giving that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez doll an anal thrashing. Though, my pants and drawers were still around my ankles. I knew what wuz going on by this point. That lil old Sasquatch I kilt earlier wuz kin to this big old beast. Seeing the head drove it into a rage. It decided to punish me by anal rape, to death. Death rape.”



So That is how I got myself inta this here predicament I told ya about at the beginning of this here story. But like I sed, I had a trick up my sleave! I could hear the beast breathing heavy. Though I did not look behind me, I suspect it wuz fluffing itself to get hard. It then started positioning itself fer entry. I knew the time to act had come. Otherwise, I wuz a gonna end up a hillbilly shish-Kabob impaled on a Bigfoot dick.”



“I grabbed the Zippo lighter in my shirt pocket, swiftly stuck it between legs and put it up to my asshole. ‘Please, let this thang light on the first try!’, I thought. I flicked it lit and then let out the biggest bean fart you ever did hear! The gas ignited. My ass became a flamethrower, spewing burning bean gas right back onto the Bigfoot! I spun around to find the Bigfoot’s cock and balls on fire!”



“That old squatch wuz a’jumping around slapping at its private parts. I had me an old axe leaning up agin a cedar tree jest a few feet away. As the Sasquatch wuz distracted, I grabbed that old axe. The beast wuz in the midst of a spaz attack, but I got close enough to bury that axe blade deep into its thick skull! That sumbitch went down like a sack of taters!!”



“Well, sir, I cut that fucker’s head clean off. Then I got my tractor and dragged the corpse off to my shed fer butchering. These big old fellers have sum tuff ass meat. You got to slow roast these thangs fer a couple days, but they will cook up jest fine!”



“So I grilled up that baby Sasquatch that night and served it with rice and a glass of Cabernet. Boys, that wuz sum good eatin!!! If you can get a hold of sum of that young Sasquatch meat, and do it up right, you won’t ever eat beef again!”

 

[sparky]

not quite a penthouse letter, but i can appreciate the effort......~S~

 

[Calypso Jones]

THAT was a great start. It had my attention in the first paragraph...THATs the way to do it. i mean..that's the way to start a story.

 

[sparky]

sometimes ya gotta just go w/it.....

~S~

 

[miketx]

Seems like lard long rod has strange fantasies.

 

[The Duke]

No .50 cal, fail!