Lawyer Jokes

[Delta4Embassy]

Forget where I got these so they're not mine unfortunately.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WIT NESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[dr.d]

Lmao...both my lawyer hubby loved your jokes....
What's 20 lawyers 2,000 feet under the ocean?
- A good start...


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[dr.d]

I meant both ME and my lawyer hubby...


Sent from my iPhone using USMessageBoard.com

 

[Billo_Really]

A man stands up in a bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A second man stands up and replies, "Hey, I resent that!"

The first man responds, "Are you a lawyer?"

And the second man say's, "No, I'm an asshole!"

 

[Billo_Really]

Two lawyers go hunting in the woods. About an hour into their trip, one of the lawyers has a heart attack and collapses to the ground. The other lawyer immediately gets his cell phone and dials 911.
A dispatcher takes the call and asks, "What is your problem?"
The lawyer say's, "My friend has just had a heart attack and may be dead!"
The dispatcher responds, "Sir, calm down, I'll get you through this. The first thing you need to do before we continue, is make sure he's dead"
The lawyer say's, "Got it" and puts down the phone.
A few moments later, the dispatcher hears a shot and the lawyer gets back on the phone and goes, "Okay, now what?"

 

[Noomi]

Lol

 

[Papawx3]

This one's sorta long, but you have to wait for the punch line:

There was a really big-time lawyer who not only made a lot of money, but spent a long, long time on high-profile cases. After a particularly long and complicated trial, the lawyer decided to take some time off and go fishing. So one day, he decided to take the day off. Instead of getting dressed in one his suits, he donned an old torn shirt, a pair of worn-out overalls and an old pair of knee-high fishing boots. Then he went out to the back yard, got into his beat up old pickup truck, started it up and backed it up to his old fishing boat. He drove off down an old dirt road to one of his favorite fishing spots. He backed boat into the water, anchored it and then got back into his truck and parked it beside the river. He got back into his boat, drove it out into the river and fished there for the better part of the day.
Toward the end of the day, he pulled back up to the bank, got out of the boat and back into his truck, backed his boat trailer down into the water, loaded and secured his boat onto the trailer, got back into the truck and drove off down the road.
A little while later, he drove across an old bridge where there was a sheriff's car parked on the side of the road. He glanced down at his speedometer and saw that he was going a good bit faster than the posted speed limit, and then sure enough, the sheriff's car pulled up, came up behind him and turn on his lights and siren. He pulled over to the side and the sheriff's deputy got out of his car and walked up to his truck.
The lawyer thought to himself "I don't really need this, so let's have a little fun".
The deputy said to him "Hey boy, do you know how fast you were going back there?"
"No", he replied, "but I guess you're going to tell me."
"47 miles per hour, boy, and this is only a 30 mile per hour zone!"
"30 miles per hour?" he asked, "and on an old country road,, no less!"
The deputy came back and said "I ought to write you a ticket, but the way you look,, you probably can't afford to pay the fine. Hell, you probably don't even have a job."
"Oh, I have a job, alright. In fact, I have a really good job"
"OH yeah?", said the deputy "What kind of job could a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher" he joked.
"A rectum stretcher?" the deputy asked. "What in the hell is a rectum stretcher?"k
"Well", he said "People call me when then have a problem with there rear ends so d I to to their homes, make them strip naked and lay on the bed. Then I start by sticking on finger in their rear ends, move it around, stick another one in, then another and another until I have an entire hand in there. Then I start the same thing with the other hand, and keep going until I have both hands in their rear. Then I start pulling. I pull them apart more, and more, and more until they are a full 72 inches apart!"
The deputy was dumbfounded and said "72 inches!? That's 6 feet wide!! What on earth would anyone do with a 6 foot asshole??"

"Simple", said the lawyer. "You give him a radar gun and stick him on the end of a bridge!!"

 

[humorusa]

the fruit is a comedic story

 

[S.J.]

Q. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

A. His partner.