TheOldSchool
Diamond Member
- Banned
- #1
What do you think?
Dream Team: If America’s Best Athletes Played Soccer We’d Win Every World Cup
Goalie: Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions; NFL)
The reality is that at 6’5”, with a 42.5-inch vertical leap and the best hands in the most hand-eye heavy position in sports, Calvin Johnson would literally never allow a single goal, ever. He might not ever allow a rebound, a second chance, unless he was bored. Calvin Johnson with six days of training would be the greatest soccer goalie of all time and it wouldn’t be close.
Center Back: Richard Sherman (Seattle Seahawks; NFL)
Richard Sherman is fast, strong, smart, and the best cornerback in the NFL. What that means is Richard Sherman is the best person in the world at bothering other people. He plays head games with people who play head games with people. Not that he’d really need to: Soccer strikers are tied with NFL wide receivers as the most tempermental and immature primadonnas in sports. Even if Richard Sherman wasn’t already capable of physically dominating every single soccer striker in the world, he could literally reduce all of them to tearful paralysis with a few choice barbs.
Can you imagine what he would do with the slicked-back ball of ego confusion that is Ronaldo?
Right Back: Russell Westbrook (Oklahoma City Thunder; NBA)
You hear a lot about fullbacks who leave their team exposed because they’re so fond of pushing forward in attack. This would not be a problem for Russell Westbrook, who is fast enough to make his trademark supersonic aggro jags up the flank while still being able to jet back and have time for a little espresso while he waits for the counterattack to arrive.
Also, can you imagine the hairstyles Russ would fuck with given the permissive European fashion standards of soccer? I can’t. None of us can. That’s why we’re us and he’s Russ.
Left Back: Lebron James (Miami Heat; NBA)
Haha.
Lebron is nominally one of our fullbacks, and he could definitely do that and be the best in the world at it. Stay back and defend. Bomb forward and distribute. Pick cute passes. Whatever. I mean, if Lebron wanted he would be able to stay stride for stride with any opposing wing player and never allow them to actually step inbounds.
On our team, Lebron would have the special freedom to go anywhere on the field he wanted and switch positions with anyone he wanted, just by doling out a little butt slap. The slap means: “You are relieved. I will now briefly be the greatest person at this position to ever play, before I return to left back, and then the moon.”
Does this mean Lebron could pass to himself? Yes.
Center Back: Eric Berry (Kansas City Chiefs; NFL)
Eric Berry is the enforcer in this lineup. Eric Berry is the enforcer in every lineup. You might get a red card every game for awhile with Eric Berry marking opposing forwards, until you stopped getting red cards because opposing forwards stopped crossing midfield.
Left Defensive Midfielder: Chris Paul (Los Angeles Clippers; NBA)
On the cramped basketball halfcourt, Chris Paul sees space and predicts movement like no other player in the game. Give him the wide-open lanes of a soccer pitch and CP3 turns into Tiresias, an actual clairvoyant. He’d be Xabi Alonso with quicks, pushing Team USA from defense to offense in a heartbeat and never losing possession.
BONUS: Along with Sherman, Chris Paul gives Team USA a nightmarish combination of world-class shit-talkers/sack-tappers/nipple-twisters on defense. The Red White and Blue would frequently play 11 on 8, due to multiple frustration-induced red cards.
Right Defensive Midfielder: John Wall (Washington Wizards; NBA)
Our “back 6” is already the fastest, strongest, most intimidatingly enormous group of people to ever guard a soccer goal. So I figure we round out the group with John Wall, a human Ferrari, who can cover whatever deficiencies in footspeed the aging Paul brings to the table, which are not many. Or, if CP3 decides to like, play Flappy Bird during the game, Wall, blessed with the vision of a Green Beret sniper, can drop field-length assists while doing the Dougie, as shell-shocked opposing defenders beg their fans for nerve-calming Gauloises.
Left Attacking Midfielder: LeSean McCoy (Philadelphia Eagles; NFL)
A pocket explanation for the carnage of World War I is that military tactics had not caught up to advances in military technology. Man had invented the machine gun but hadn’t figured out yet that charging directly forward in a straight line was not an ideal way to gain territory.
LeSean McCoy moves sideways faster than almost any human in the world moves forward. Adding his lateral speed to soccer would be like adding a machine gun to 19th century warfare. People simply wouldn’t know what to do about it. It would be devastating, tragic, and unfair. It would cause non-Americans to question the point of soccer. I can almost hear the sound of European ankles breaking.
And it’s a question of kind, not degree. There are like three players in international soccer who can even move like McCoy, as I see it: Ronaldo, Neymar, and Arjen Robben. And they’re all massive superstars. McCoy is like that but a hundred times faster and he doesn’t fall over and cry every time someone boops him.
Center Attacking Midfielder: Johnny Manziel (Cleveland Browns; NFL)
Johnny Manziel would be so good as a central attacking midfielder that I’m not totally convinced he shouldn’t quit American football and just show up at Camp Nou and tell Xavi “perdete.” (Especially after the World Cup the Barca star just had.) And the thing is, Johnny’d do it. He’s a prick who doesn’t know better. He’s our prick who doesn’t know better.
Obviously, that’s what makes him great. He can scitter-scatter and elbow grease his way out of situations it would never occur to anyone else to enter. He’s an improvisational Jedi, a master distributor, a spatial-relations savant. And yet, he’s a team guy. He wants to win. Give him the ball. He might pass it. He might shoot it. The ball is ending up in the endzone. I mean, the goal. I mean, it doesn’t matter what you call it. Johnny Futbol is already dancing in it.
Right Attacking Midfielder: Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers; NBA)
Kobe takes a team already raging with frightening amounts of competitive ego to unprecedented, pathological new levels. Consider: for the past decade-plus, the Black Mamba has angrily dominated professional basketball despite the fact that it isn’t even his favorite sport. That would be soccer; Kobe grew up in Italy as a rabid Milan supporter.
One thing I can say with confidence is that the intensity of soccer-Kobe would be terrifying for everyone: opponents, teammates, fans, the ball. I imagine it curving just so into the upper 90 to avoid a humiliating torrent of Italian vulgarity regarding its manhood as a ball, its worth as an object, why is it not doing its job, vaffanculo. I imagine some forfeits.
Striker: Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings; NFL)
“And here’s the ball in from Manziel to Peterson! Peterson settles it down with a fine touch, his back to the goal. Peterson holds! Can Peterson turn? Peterson turns! Can Peterson beat his defender? The defender explodes! Peterson is covered in blood! Peterson heads into goal! Peterson has to shoot, doesn’t he? The goalie charges! The goalie explodes! Can Peterson see the goal? Peterson wipes viscera out of his eyes! Peterson dribbles into the goal! GOAL! The goal explodes!
50-0, USA! Halftime can’t come soon enough, can it!?”
Dream Team: If America’s Best Athletes Played Soccer We’d Win Every World Cup
Goalie: Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions; NFL)
The reality is that at 6’5”, with a 42.5-inch vertical leap and the best hands in the most hand-eye heavy position in sports, Calvin Johnson would literally never allow a single goal, ever. He might not ever allow a rebound, a second chance, unless he was bored. Calvin Johnson with six days of training would be the greatest soccer goalie of all time and it wouldn’t be close.
Center Back: Richard Sherman (Seattle Seahawks; NFL)
Richard Sherman is fast, strong, smart, and the best cornerback in the NFL. What that means is Richard Sherman is the best person in the world at bothering other people. He plays head games with people who play head games with people. Not that he’d really need to: Soccer strikers are tied with NFL wide receivers as the most tempermental and immature primadonnas in sports. Even if Richard Sherman wasn’t already capable of physically dominating every single soccer striker in the world, he could literally reduce all of them to tearful paralysis with a few choice barbs.
Can you imagine what he would do with the slicked-back ball of ego confusion that is Ronaldo?
Right Back: Russell Westbrook (Oklahoma City Thunder; NBA)
You hear a lot about fullbacks who leave their team exposed because they’re so fond of pushing forward in attack. This would not be a problem for Russell Westbrook, who is fast enough to make his trademark supersonic aggro jags up the flank while still being able to jet back and have time for a little espresso while he waits for the counterattack to arrive.
Also, can you imagine the hairstyles Russ would fuck with given the permissive European fashion standards of soccer? I can’t. None of us can. That’s why we’re us and he’s Russ.
Left Back: Lebron James (Miami Heat; NBA)
Haha.
Lebron is nominally one of our fullbacks, and he could definitely do that and be the best in the world at it. Stay back and defend. Bomb forward and distribute. Pick cute passes. Whatever. I mean, if Lebron wanted he would be able to stay stride for stride with any opposing wing player and never allow them to actually step inbounds.
On our team, Lebron would have the special freedom to go anywhere on the field he wanted and switch positions with anyone he wanted, just by doling out a little butt slap. The slap means: “You are relieved. I will now briefly be the greatest person at this position to ever play, before I return to left back, and then the moon.”
Does this mean Lebron could pass to himself? Yes.
Center Back: Eric Berry (Kansas City Chiefs; NFL)
Eric Berry is the enforcer in this lineup. Eric Berry is the enforcer in every lineup. You might get a red card every game for awhile with Eric Berry marking opposing forwards, until you stopped getting red cards because opposing forwards stopped crossing midfield.
Left Defensive Midfielder: Chris Paul (Los Angeles Clippers; NBA)
On the cramped basketball halfcourt, Chris Paul sees space and predicts movement like no other player in the game. Give him the wide-open lanes of a soccer pitch and CP3 turns into Tiresias, an actual clairvoyant. He’d be Xabi Alonso with quicks, pushing Team USA from defense to offense in a heartbeat and never losing possession.
BONUS: Along with Sherman, Chris Paul gives Team USA a nightmarish combination of world-class shit-talkers/sack-tappers/nipple-twisters on defense. The Red White and Blue would frequently play 11 on 8, due to multiple frustration-induced red cards.
Right Defensive Midfielder: John Wall (Washington Wizards; NBA)
Our “back 6” is already the fastest, strongest, most intimidatingly enormous group of people to ever guard a soccer goal. So I figure we round out the group with John Wall, a human Ferrari, who can cover whatever deficiencies in footspeed the aging Paul brings to the table, which are not many. Or, if CP3 decides to like, play Flappy Bird during the game, Wall, blessed with the vision of a Green Beret sniper, can drop field-length assists while doing the Dougie, as shell-shocked opposing defenders beg their fans for nerve-calming Gauloises.
Left Attacking Midfielder: LeSean McCoy (Philadelphia Eagles; NFL)
A pocket explanation for the carnage of World War I is that military tactics had not caught up to advances in military technology. Man had invented the machine gun but hadn’t figured out yet that charging directly forward in a straight line was not an ideal way to gain territory.
LeSean McCoy moves sideways faster than almost any human in the world moves forward. Adding his lateral speed to soccer would be like adding a machine gun to 19th century warfare. People simply wouldn’t know what to do about it. It would be devastating, tragic, and unfair. It would cause non-Americans to question the point of soccer. I can almost hear the sound of European ankles breaking.
And it’s a question of kind, not degree. There are like three players in international soccer who can even move like McCoy, as I see it: Ronaldo, Neymar, and Arjen Robben. And they’re all massive superstars. McCoy is like that but a hundred times faster and he doesn’t fall over and cry every time someone boops him.
Center Attacking Midfielder: Johnny Manziel (Cleveland Browns; NFL)
Johnny Manziel would be so good as a central attacking midfielder that I’m not totally convinced he shouldn’t quit American football and just show up at Camp Nou and tell Xavi “perdete.” (Especially after the World Cup the Barca star just had.) And the thing is, Johnny’d do it. He’s a prick who doesn’t know better. He’s our prick who doesn’t know better.
Obviously, that’s what makes him great. He can scitter-scatter and elbow grease his way out of situations it would never occur to anyone else to enter. He’s an improvisational Jedi, a master distributor, a spatial-relations savant. And yet, he’s a team guy. He wants to win. Give him the ball. He might pass it. He might shoot it. The ball is ending up in the endzone. I mean, the goal. I mean, it doesn’t matter what you call it. Johnny Futbol is already dancing in it.
Right Attacking Midfielder: Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers; NBA)
Kobe takes a team already raging with frightening amounts of competitive ego to unprecedented, pathological new levels. Consider: for the past decade-plus, the Black Mamba has angrily dominated professional basketball despite the fact that it isn’t even his favorite sport. That would be soccer; Kobe grew up in Italy as a rabid Milan supporter.
One thing I can say with confidence is that the intensity of soccer-Kobe would be terrifying for everyone: opponents, teammates, fans, the ball. I imagine it curving just so into the upper 90 to avoid a humiliating torrent of Italian vulgarity regarding its manhood as a ball, its worth as an object, why is it not doing its job, vaffanculo. I imagine some forfeits.
Striker: Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings; NFL)
“And here’s the ball in from Manziel to Peterson! Peterson settles it down with a fine touch, his back to the goal. Peterson holds! Can Peterson turn? Peterson turns! Can Peterson beat his defender? The defender explodes! Peterson is covered in blood! Peterson heads into goal! Peterson has to shoot, doesn’t he? The goalie charges! The goalie explodes! Can Peterson see the goal? Peterson wipes viscera out of his eyes! Peterson dribbles into the goal! GOAL! The goal explodes!
50-0, USA! Halftime can’t come soon enough, can it!?”
