- Sep 22, 2013
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I've written a ton of heavy-handed and seriously toned heist tales, so here's a much more light-hearted and fun heist parody inspired by one of my favorite new age sci-fi concept dystopian films, The Matrix. Enjoy (and thanks for reading!),
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My name's Neo. I'm a bureaucrat, a civil servant. I live in Los Angeles (USA). I'm heading to Deutsche Bank in Europe this summer to rob it. I need to escape from this world, and the dark realities it offers. That's why I'm transforming myself from a patriotic nerd into a rebellious thief!
My alias for this bank heist in Europe will be Paper-Man (PM). I'll be robbing gold coins from the vault room. The Deutsche Bank is owned by European billionaire woman Isabel Keits. She's a real bully, a Class-A capitalist and a real bitch. She's the perfect adversary for my bank heist. I'll be wearing a brown paper bag mask for this bank robbery!
We've all seen the pencil drawings of Isabel Keits on the Internet. They reflect her European mystique as a dark and reigning queen of gold in modern civilization. As you can see from the drawings of Isabel on the Internet today, she's a real queen of mean!
The Deutsche Bank security was real tight. That's why I walked in wearing my brown paper bag mask and carrying a bag full of plastic toy water-guns. I told the bank guard at the entrance that I was a toy merchant and that he should find and pick the red water-gun in the bag and keep it as a gift. I then walked to the bank manager and asked him to excuse my theatrical mask and costume and that I intended to open a private account for my new toy company enterprise in Europe. Before entering the vault room where I told him I was going to deposit my diamonds from my briefcase (which were fake but looked real enough!), I asked if the guard who chose the red water-gun from my toy bag would escort us too for sentimental purposes. The bank manager and guard were highly amused and humored by eccentric business-theatrical request that day!
I also brought with me two women from the bank who were employees into the vault-room. Once inside the vault-room, I took out another toy water-gun from my toy bag, but this one was filled with corrosive HCL acid. I explained I was there to rob the bank. I then locked the vault-room door and tied up the guard and manager on the floor and then had the two women hostages take out the gold coins from the vault boxes and lay them on the floor of the room like a blanket while I pocketed the diamonds from vault-box #445 into my briefcase!
Once I walked out of the bank, well actually crawled out the bank bathroom window, I scurried into the nearby manhole where I escaped the Euro-city through the sewer tunnels with the stolen diamonds from Deutsch Bank hidden in the soles of my leather boots. I hopped to Russia where I began trading the diamonds in the underground market for cash for my new private Swiss bank account. I then wrote to the Deutsch Bank owner, Isabel Keits, "I took the diamonds with flair, because I'm your best nightmare!"
ISABEL KEITS: "Whoever this deranged idealist thinks he is, he's no different than any looney who links modernism to doom."
Ms. Keits had no idea I performed the diamond heist with flair for my girlfriend Shelbye back at home, in the beloved States. She's a stunner. I love her a lot! They'll never catch me...or link me to Shelbye!
I sent Keits a drawing I made for Shelbye, a comic book doodle. Well, it was a copy of a drawing I made for Shelbye, describing how she takes care of my soul like a real superheroine, as I'm like her Quasimodo. Keits laughed. I had the last laugh!
I sent Ms. Keits another doodle drawing that following Christmas, of an 'evil elf' to remind her that I stole diamonds from her coveted bank in Europe. I think in the end, Isabel and I'll end up as ironic and shocking friends rather than civilization adversaries!
ISABEL KEITS: "This 'Neo' fellow is nothing more than a criminal or a terrorist, and I'll despise him even when I'm giggling."
INTERPOL: "We'll catch this dastardly 'Neo' and restore the Euro-honor of Isabel Keits, as soon as possible, everyone!"
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
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My name's Neo. I'm a bureaucrat, a civil servant. I live in Los Angeles (USA). I'm heading to Deutsche Bank in Europe this summer to rob it. I need to escape from this world, and the dark realities it offers. That's why I'm transforming myself from a patriotic nerd into a rebellious thief!
My alias for this bank heist in Europe will be Paper-Man (PM). I'll be robbing gold coins from the vault room. The Deutsche Bank is owned by European billionaire woman Isabel Keits. She's a real bully, a Class-A capitalist and a real bitch. She's the perfect adversary for my bank heist. I'll be wearing a brown paper bag mask for this bank robbery!
We've all seen the pencil drawings of Isabel Keits on the Internet. They reflect her European mystique as a dark and reigning queen of gold in modern civilization. As you can see from the drawings of Isabel on the Internet today, she's a real queen of mean!
The Deutsche Bank security was real tight. That's why I walked in wearing my brown paper bag mask and carrying a bag full of plastic toy water-guns. I told the bank guard at the entrance that I was a toy merchant and that he should find and pick the red water-gun in the bag and keep it as a gift. I then walked to the bank manager and asked him to excuse my theatrical mask and costume and that I intended to open a private account for my new toy company enterprise in Europe. Before entering the vault room where I told him I was going to deposit my diamonds from my briefcase (which were fake but looked real enough!), I asked if the guard who chose the red water-gun from my toy bag would escort us too for sentimental purposes. The bank manager and guard were highly amused and humored by eccentric business-theatrical request that day!
I also brought with me two women from the bank who were employees into the vault-room. Once inside the vault-room, I took out another toy water-gun from my toy bag, but this one was filled with corrosive HCL acid. I explained I was there to rob the bank. I then locked the vault-room door and tied up the guard and manager on the floor and then had the two women hostages take out the gold coins from the vault boxes and lay them on the floor of the room like a blanket while I pocketed the diamonds from vault-box #445 into my briefcase!
Once I walked out of the bank, well actually crawled out the bank bathroom window, I scurried into the nearby manhole where I escaped the Euro-city through the sewer tunnels with the stolen diamonds from Deutsch Bank hidden in the soles of my leather boots. I hopped to Russia where I began trading the diamonds in the underground market for cash for my new private Swiss bank account. I then wrote to the Deutsch Bank owner, Isabel Keits, "I took the diamonds with flair, because I'm your best nightmare!"
ISABEL KEITS: "Whoever this deranged idealist thinks he is, he's no different than any looney who links modernism to doom."
Ms. Keits had no idea I performed the diamond heist with flair for my girlfriend Shelbye back at home, in the beloved States. She's a stunner. I love her a lot! They'll never catch me...or link me to Shelbye!
I sent Keits a drawing I made for Shelbye, a comic book doodle. Well, it was a copy of a drawing I made for Shelbye, describing how she takes care of my soul like a real superheroine, as I'm like her Quasimodo. Keits laughed. I had the last laugh!
I sent Ms. Keits another doodle drawing that following Christmas, of an 'evil elf' to remind her that I stole diamonds from her coveted bank in Europe. I think in the end, Isabel and I'll end up as ironic and shocking friends rather than civilization adversaries!
ISABEL KEITS: "This 'Neo' fellow is nothing more than a criminal or a terrorist, and I'll despise him even when I'm giggling."
INTERPOL: "We'll catch this dastardly 'Neo' and restore the Euro-honor of Isabel Keits, as soon as possible, everyone!"
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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
