- Sep 22, 2013
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Isn't it funny how 9/11 has colored our views on homeland security and terrorism fears? On the other hand, isn't it also peculiar how we Americans prefer more pedestrian-friendly crime folklore to macro-terrorism? Why, for example, do we romanticize Bonnie and Clyde in media? Is bank robbery somehow disconnected from terrorism? What do you think? Perhaps capitalism angst breeds its own form of 'homegrown static' that's substantively different from the anti-capital terrorism we saw on 9/11! Here's a sardonic short-story about an unusual focused D.C. pirate who wonders if bank robbery cures us from the scars of modern terrorism.
This vignette was inspired by the mock-heist comedy Quick Change (Bill Murray)!
Thanks for reading (almost wrapped up here with all my writing),
====
My name's Elmo. I'm an Algerian-American US citizen and owner of a baseball card store in Washington (D.C.). I've been watching all this TrumpUSA nonsense on TV since Election 2020 and noticed all the media intrigue and chatter during the Trump days of 2016-2020. It's like a circus, man! Now, I've decided to add my own two cents to all this capitalism dialogue and gibberish in this new millennium. You know, after 9/11, the world became 'on-edge' about American homeland security, when the commerce-symbolic World Trade Center was destroyed by anti-capitalism terrorists from the Middle East. Capitalism is a source of both chatter and fireworks, and I'm adding to the pedestrian dialogue with a folk-tale friendly bank robbery of the iconic Riggs Bank in D.C. this year. D.C. is my home, so I consider it my place of great patriotic diarism. I'm not a terrorist!
RIGGS BANK: "We're proud of our D.C. institution and the security it offers our investors in holding their gold and assets."
The manager of the Riggs Bank is an American businesswoman and Wall Street specialist named Regina Krueger. She's really smart. She dresses up in suits and heads to work every morning with her briefcase full of information and materials for her work-week. I've been tracking her this whole month, noticing her behaviors and patterns of activity. She arrives at Riggs Bank at 10 am and leaves at the end of her work-day, around 6 pm. She stays just 1 hour past closing-time. Regina is a real hard worker at Riggs Bank. I wonder if she's a TrumpUSA fan!
The Riggs Bank vault-room holds anywhere between $40-80 million in gold bars on a given Friday morning. I intend to rob the Riggs Bank of some of their gold bars, from their vault-room, on a Friday afternoon. I notice that Regina Krueger has walked into the bank that work-day (Friday) at about 10:15 am. I wait until she goes inside and give her about 30 minutes to settle into her work-space at the Riggs Bank that day. I'm eager to procure those gold bars inside the Riggs Bank vault!
This is what I look like on the day of the heist. I walk up to one of the client service desks and request to open a special merchant's account, for my baseball card store, recently invested in by a very wealthy Saudi investor living in the D.C. area. I explain I intend to store some of my diamonds, presented to me by the Saudi investor inside the vault-rooom of the Riggs Bank. The client representative asks me why I insist on keeping my thick head gear and sunglasses on during the entire account service experience, so I tell him that I always keep on thick head gear for religious purposes during any professional business transaction exchange in an American financial or commercial institution!
The bank client representative is impressed with my diamonds, which I only flash to him briefly, rendering him incapable of scrutinizing the gems in my little velvet bag, which happen to be fake diamonds. He asks me why I want to inspect the vault, and I tell him I'm paranoid about holding my diamonds inside the Riggs Bank itself, and he assures me the institution is as secure as any security amenity offering boasted by a Swiss bank in Europe. I agree with him and we walk towards the vault-room. I take some snapshots of the bank's interior with my handy-dandy iPhone!
Once inside the vault-room, I spot the security camera. I'm inside the vault-room with the client representative and one escorting guardsman. That's when I pull out a miniature toy gun hidden inside my business briefcase. I show the bank client representative and the escorting guard that the toy gun is actually fitted with a small protective inner-glass tube filled with corrosive HCL acid. I use my little acid-gun to spray the security camera inside the vault-room, causing it to short-circuit. I then tie up the guard and the client representative with some sturdy nylon rope from my briefcase and take the client representative's key-set to open a safe-box inside the vault-room containing about $10 million worth of gold bars, about 5 bars, weighing a total of 20 pounds. I put the gold bars inside the fold-out cloth duffel-bag hidden inside my briefcase. I leave my acid-gun with the tied up client representative and the escorting guard inside the vault-room!
After I leave the impressive vault-room of the Riggs Bank, I walk with my duffel-bag filled with my $10 million gold bars into the bank bathroom and crawl out the window. I leave behind my iPhone which contains the snapshots of the bank's interior I took earlier alongside the servicing client representative, who's still tied up inside the vault-room. I leave a post-it message on my iPhone which reads, "The gold I've taken from Riggs Bank today symbolizes my merchant frustration with capitalism labyrinths of TrumpUSA, and I hope this will not be thought of as evil as 9/11"
The next week, the Washington Post presents a new-story which reads, "Sly fake investor in Riggs Bank steals $10 million worth in gold bars in just 15 minutes, without bank manager Regina Krueger taking any notice!" Comic book writers have begun posting images of D.C. cop figurines and dolls, making political cartoons about how D.C. has become a sort of dioramic one-time 'pirate-remedy' for the terrorism trauma of 9/11!"
Why, you ask, was I intent on using bank robbery in D.C. to counter some of the psycho-sociological scars of 9/11? Why do I insist that this sort of nonviolent albeit dangerous bank robbery in the nation's capital is the diametric opposite of the World Trade Center hijacked terrorism we saw in 2001? I hop onto the D.C. subway with my Riggs gold and take a ride to the airport after exchanging the gold for money in the underground market and deposit the money in my private Swiss account. As you may have noticed, all this capital evasion seems to be some modern national spotlighting of the frailty of infrastructural design in TrumpUSA, but is this at all like 9/11 designed terrorism? D.C. has become a tunnel for great American dance!
D.C. POLICE: "This Riggs bandit is a self-proclaimed pirate, and we intend to uphold the honor of TrumpUSA circuits!"
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
This vignette was inspired by the mock-heist comedy Quick Change (Bill Murray)!
Thanks for reading (almost wrapped up here with all my writing),
====
My name's Elmo. I'm an Algerian-American US citizen and owner of a baseball card store in Washington (D.C.). I've been watching all this TrumpUSA nonsense on TV since Election 2020 and noticed all the media intrigue and chatter during the Trump days of 2016-2020. It's like a circus, man! Now, I've decided to add my own two cents to all this capitalism dialogue and gibberish in this new millennium. You know, after 9/11, the world became 'on-edge' about American homeland security, when the commerce-symbolic World Trade Center was destroyed by anti-capitalism terrorists from the Middle East. Capitalism is a source of both chatter and fireworks, and I'm adding to the pedestrian dialogue with a folk-tale friendly bank robbery of the iconic Riggs Bank in D.C. this year. D.C. is my home, so I consider it my place of great patriotic diarism. I'm not a terrorist!
RIGGS BANK: "We're proud of our D.C. institution and the security it offers our investors in holding their gold and assets."
The manager of the Riggs Bank is an American businesswoman and Wall Street specialist named Regina Krueger. She's really smart. She dresses up in suits and heads to work every morning with her briefcase full of information and materials for her work-week. I've been tracking her this whole month, noticing her behaviors and patterns of activity. She arrives at Riggs Bank at 10 am and leaves at the end of her work-day, around 6 pm. She stays just 1 hour past closing-time. Regina is a real hard worker at Riggs Bank. I wonder if she's a TrumpUSA fan!
The Riggs Bank vault-room holds anywhere between $40-80 million in gold bars on a given Friday morning. I intend to rob the Riggs Bank of some of their gold bars, from their vault-room, on a Friday afternoon. I notice that Regina Krueger has walked into the bank that work-day (Friday) at about 10:15 am. I wait until she goes inside and give her about 30 minutes to settle into her work-space at the Riggs Bank that day. I'm eager to procure those gold bars inside the Riggs Bank vault!
This is what I look like on the day of the heist. I walk up to one of the client service desks and request to open a special merchant's account, for my baseball card store, recently invested in by a very wealthy Saudi investor living in the D.C. area. I explain I intend to store some of my diamonds, presented to me by the Saudi investor inside the vault-rooom of the Riggs Bank. The client representative asks me why I insist on keeping my thick head gear and sunglasses on during the entire account service experience, so I tell him that I always keep on thick head gear for religious purposes during any professional business transaction exchange in an American financial or commercial institution!
The bank client representative is impressed with my diamonds, which I only flash to him briefly, rendering him incapable of scrutinizing the gems in my little velvet bag, which happen to be fake diamonds. He asks me why I want to inspect the vault, and I tell him I'm paranoid about holding my diamonds inside the Riggs Bank itself, and he assures me the institution is as secure as any security amenity offering boasted by a Swiss bank in Europe. I agree with him and we walk towards the vault-room. I take some snapshots of the bank's interior with my handy-dandy iPhone!
Once inside the vault-room, I spot the security camera. I'm inside the vault-room with the client representative and one escorting guardsman. That's when I pull out a miniature toy gun hidden inside my business briefcase. I show the bank client representative and the escorting guard that the toy gun is actually fitted with a small protective inner-glass tube filled with corrosive HCL acid. I use my little acid-gun to spray the security camera inside the vault-room, causing it to short-circuit. I then tie up the guard and the client representative with some sturdy nylon rope from my briefcase and take the client representative's key-set to open a safe-box inside the vault-room containing about $10 million worth of gold bars, about 5 bars, weighing a total of 20 pounds. I put the gold bars inside the fold-out cloth duffel-bag hidden inside my briefcase. I leave my acid-gun with the tied up client representative and the escorting guard inside the vault-room!
After I leave the impressive vault-room of the Riggs Bank, I walk with my duffel-bag filled with my $10 million gold bars into the bank bathroom and crawl out the window. I leave behind my iPhone which contains the snapshots of the bank's interior I took earlier alongside the servicing client representative, who's still tied up inside the vault-room. I leave a post-it message on my iPhone which reads, "The gold I've taken from Riggs Bank today symbolizes my merchant frustration with capitalism labyrinths of TrumpUSA, and I hope this will not be thought of as evil as 9/11"
The next week, the Washington Post presents a new-story which reads, "Sly fake investor in Riggs Bank steals $10 million worth in gold bars in just 15 minutes, without bank manager Regina Krueger taking any notice!" Comic book writers have begun posting images of D.C. cop figurines and dolls, making political cartoons about how D.C. has become a sort of dioramic one-time 'pirate-remedy' for the terrorism trauma of 9/11!"
Why, you ask, was I intent on using bank robbery in D.C. to counter some of the psycho-sociological scars of 9/11? Why do I insist that this sort of nonviolent albeit dangerous bank robbery in the nation's capital is the diametric opposite of the World Trade Center hijacked terrorism we saw in 2001? I hop onto the D.C. subway with my Riggs gold and take a ride to the airport after exchanging the gold for money in the underground market and deposit the money in my private Swiss account. As you may have noticed, all this capital evasion seems to be some modern national spotlighting of the frailty of infrastructural design in TrumpUSA, but is this at all like 9/11 designed terrorism? D.C. has become a tunnel for great American dance!
D.C. POLICE: "This Riggs bandit is a self-proclaimed pirate, and we intend to uphold the honor of TrumpUSA circuits!"
====
"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)
