Zone1 Divorce

[SweetSue92]

Waiting until your late 30s early 40s before getting married is wise. In every aspect.

No. This is terrible advice. Terrible. Especially if those married people expect to be parents.

 

[SweetSue92]

Have you ever heard the adage "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds"?

What does it mean to prioritize children over personal happiness? Is it better for children to see parents locked in bitter fighting on a daily basis? How about children watching a parent completely lose their will to go on joined to someone they care nothing about but lack the courage to leave. Or perhaps consider the family that stays together while each sharpens and weaponizes the children against the other. There's an ideal situation for you. There are worse things than divorce.

You are justifying your own situation it would seem. When you're done let me know.

 

[EvilCat Breath]

You are justifying your own situation it would seem. When you're done let me know.

I was divorced in 1976. It was the best decision I ever made and needs no justification. It is really unfortunate that there are some who justify being locked in a life of torment.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

My realization of happiness was my first Christmas alone. No fighting. No sniping. To long sighs of frustration. Just pure, pure, peace. I can't really describe how wonderful it was. Such has to be experienced.

For me, and Bonzi would say the same, was the realization that this person actually likes me. For who we are.
That seems like such a simple thing, but far from it. Sad to say that most marriages/relationships after 6 years of being together - may LOVE the other person, care about them, not want to hurt them, understand them - but like them?
Liking is harder than loving. And when you have both.... Bingo... you are one happy person.

 

[presonorek]

So. Your wife works and you rely on her income to support you? Is that about right?

I don’t see where you are going with that question. I’ll bite.

No. and No.

So what is your point?

I have taken on almost all of the debt. We have a paid off house in both our names. We have no joint debt. I owe $33,000. She owes $6,000. It’s not that either of us make significantly more or less than the other. She just has more access to money than I do. She has two credit cards with massive available balances. She could leave me any time she wants. She is rich. If she gave me $6,000 I could probably leave but I don’t have access to $6,000.

 

[iamwhatiseem]

Hmm... to the OP... I don't know you, but I am beginning to doubt your integrity here.
There have been several excellent posts and points made to you, and you don't seem to be willing to grasp any of them.
That makes me think you aren't actually seeking anyone's opinion at all.
Then why even post it at all. Just want to bitch about something?

 

[presonorek]

Hmm... to the OP... I don't know you, but I am beginning to doubt your integrity here.
There have been several excellent posts and points made to you, and you don't seem to be willing to grasp any of them.
That makes me think you aren't actually seeking anyone's opinion at all.
Then why even post it at all. Just want to bitch about something?

That’s fine. I’ll take them all from here on out.

 

[presonorek]

Hmm... to the OP... I don't know you, but I am beginning to doubt your integrity here.
There have been several excellent posts and points made to you, and you don't seem to be willing to grasp any of them.
That makes me think you aren't actually seeking anyone's opinion at all.
Then why even post it at all. Just want to bitch about something?

How do you know I haven’t taken any of the advice? This thread has been up less than 24 hours. It can take years to make a big decision like this. You are jumping the gun with your assumption. Just because you don’t find the advice helpful doesn’t mean that I don’t. Check yourself.

I haven’t left my wife yet. So I at least took someone’s advice.

 

[presonorek]

You have been playing with the idea of having sex with someone other than your spouse for over ten years and haven't done it yet? Is that it? Give it up. You are not the cheating kind and never will be.

There is a great danger to someone who desperately wants out of a relationship yet is guilted into staying. That danger is that you may never get the courage to leave, but you start making the other person's life a living hell so they leave. In the nicest possible way, of course. Nothing you could really put your finger on just a steady and inexorable pressure to force them into making a move.

Life quickly becomes unbearable for everyone.

There is nothing I could possibly do to make her leave. She has told me I could. I just haven’t figured out all the physical logistics. Being married is quite comfortable.

 

[EvilCat Breath]

There is nothing I could possibly do to make her leave. She has told me I could. I just haven’t figured out all the physical logistics. Being married is quite comfortable.

If it's comfortable, why ever would you want to leave?

 

[presonorek]

If it's comfortable, why ever would you want to leave?

I haven’t.

 

[Disir]

When someone feels they are a bad spouse should they leave their spouse? or are there better option?

What are the pros and cons of leaving your spouse? What are bad reasons to leave? What are good reasons to leave? What is the effect if you stay? If you leave?

I know at least one person has been in this situation. What can be expected to happen?

The best that you can offer your wife at this point is maybe mediocrity. She deserves to be cherished. Be accountable for your own happiness. You have been offered the top reasons to stay involved. You are saying that you will probably stay and be miserable and what that tells me is that you are setting yourself up for disaster. You seem emotionally unavailable at this point. That is providing the bare minimum in a relationship. IMO, you should get a divorce.

Would you want your child to stay in a relationship where they were miserable because their significant other was providing the bare minimum? There are 99 ways to spend your time escaping mentally (substance abuse, gambling) and only 50 ways to leave your lover. What would you tell your child? Every day cannot be a black hole.

Start hunting around for an attorney. Some of them will work out a payment plan. You can usually get a free consultation.
Property is divided in half AND so is debt. One option is to sell the house and divide the profit. Since she works then you won't have to pay spousal support but you may have to pay child support unless you can afford a place that your kids time can be equally divided. Some of these attorneys suck ass. Read some reviews. There are some forums or places online that you can ask questions as well from an attorney.

Look around to rent a room if you have to. Create a time line for how long it would take you to move to your own place from there. Start creating a list of things that you want to take with you or things that you want to get from the house. You want to get this divorce finalized as quickly as possible. Sometimes there are meetings with you all and the attorneys.

There is going to be blowback because change is scary. You need to start identifying ways that you can communicate with your children after you move out. That is going to take some work because they are going to hear mom's side. Don't talk bad about your wife to these children. Mind your manners when communicating with your spouse. I don't care how mad you are. I don't care how angry she is. You can set some firm boundaries. If you recognize the issue is you then you need to do what you can to make sure that your wife knows that it isn't her fault.

You probably read that last paragraph and when pfftttt.......of course. However, when all parties are under a lot of stress, experiencing loss, afraid and feeling judged sometimes it's hard to maintain control.

 

[initforme]

No. This is terrible advice. Terrible. Especially if those married people expect to be parents.

Getting married in your 20s today leads to divorce. A person should be fully financially well ahead before getting married.

 

[SweetSue92]

Getting married in your 20s today leads to divorce. A person should be fully financially well ahead before getting married.

That information is outdated by about 40 years. You have a better chance of staying married for life when you marry for the first time than you do of getting a divorce. It's second, third and subsequent marriages that up the divorce rate.

Divorce Statistics: How Many Marriages End in Divorce?

More research is needed to determine divorce statistics within the first year of marriage. As of 2015, 22% of couples divorce within the first five years.

psychcentral.com