Bigfoot Encounter While Fishing

[Lord Long Rod]

“Well, sir, it was back in 1998, I reckon, and I was sittin’ down on the bank of Dogman River doin’ sum catfishin fer dinner. I wuz usin’ sum of that thar tactical fishin’ gear. Now by that, what I mean is that I had me sum homemade grenades. Standin’ on that old river bank, I would wind-up and throw them thar grenades up river as fer as I could. They would splash down, go ‘BOOM’, and I would use my old fishin’ net to scoop up the dead fish when they floated downstream. Well, on this here particular day I wuz really racking ‘em up. I had me about thutty channel cats, a couple blues, sum rainbow trout, and a couple them thar endangered sturgeons. But them sturgeons taste like warmed over dog shit, so I jest throw them nasty bastards up inta the woods to die.”



“Now, I would be remiss if’n I did not mention that I wuz drunk off my ass on the moonshine while I wuz fishin’. After I accidentally blew up my old pickup truck with a grenade I figured I best find me a shady spot under a tree and sleep off my drunk, which I dun did.”



“When I came to a couple hours later, sumthang did not feel quite right. Then I noticed that my goddamn burlap bag of fish were gone! Suddenly I heard a low grunt from across the river. I looked up jest in time to see a big old hairy Sasquatch dragging my catch off into the woods. Then ‘POOF’, it disappeared into the woods on me!”



“Now mind ya, this weren’t no ordinary Bigfoot. This wuz one of them thar beasts that’s hardwired fer the infrasound. That’s whar they can emit a low frequency sound that us humans cain’t hear. It produces vibrations that can cause people to feel scairt, see things that ain’t thar, and lose control of thar bowels. It’s sum real dirty shit.”



“So, right about when I wuz a’gonna take off after that critter and get my fish back, I wuz struck by a powerful urge to shit. It wuz bad too! It were a nasty combination of the moonshine squirts and severe pain that felt like you had ya a furious monkey tryin to claw its way out of yer colon. Before I could even get my overalls down, I filled up my drawers with stinky, wet, steaming diarrhea shit. It was like water. Smelly, brown water. And it wuz runnin down my legs.”



“Well, I dun ripped off my overalls and boxers, tossed em aside, and jumped inta that river, headed fer the other side after my catch. I figured the river water would wash me off. I got to the far bank of the river and took off into the woods after that Sasquatch, bare ass nekkid.”



“Now here’s whar I gotta tell ya that a short distance on the other side of the river was the Dogman Hollow Baptist Church. This fact wuz not on the top of my brain at the moment cuz I wuz all worked up into a rage over over that critter stealing my fish. I wuz high tailing it through those woods, just crashing through brush, briars, and bushes. Then, alla sudden and out of the blue, I came crashing out of the woods and into an opening. I was right thar in the backyard of the church.”



“Now, to make thangs more awkward, thar wuz an outside wedding going on when I crashed out of the woods, bare ass naked and semi-covered In shit. It were old Ollie McKinney’s boy, Bubba, and his bride, Sallie Debbie performing their nuptials in front of an audience of friends and family, numbering a hundred er so folks.”



“The whole congregation had turned in their seats to inspect the commotion of me bustin’ outa the woods whilst voicing my fierce-as-fuck war cry. I figured I had better pay my respects, so I strolled on up the aisle and stuck out my hand to the happy couple. “Hey thar, Bubba! Sallie Debbie, you is lookin right fit. Thar that belly band really did ya right! I jest wanted to stop by and pay my respects. Uh, you folks seen a Bigfoot run through here carryin a big old bag of fresh caught fish?”, I asked.”



“Well, sir, jest about then that damned old Bigfoot infrasound hit me square in the gut again and I cut loose with sum explosive diarrhea right thar in front of everbody! It burned like a red hot poker stickin up my ass, and sounded like ‘PHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOF!!!!!’ I sprayed the first two rows of guests with my watery shit, covering them in brown stinky shit water!”



“About then the officiating minister walloped me over the head with his Bible and yelled at me. He screamed ‘GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU DEGENERATE MOTHERFUCKER!!! THAT BIGFOOT RAN THROUGH HERE AND THEN TOOK OFF THROUGH THE WOODS TO THE SOUTH, TOWARD MS. PATTERSON’S HOMESTEAD. NOW GIT!!! GO GET YER GODDAMN BIGFOOT AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!’ Normally I would not let a sumbitch get away with talking at me like this. But it wuz a man of the cloth, and I admit I wuz kind of fucking things up fer ‘em. So I high tailed it out of thar.”



“I took off back into the woods to the south, like the church man sed. I knew that my delays have hurt my chances of catching up to that sumbitch. Them fucking Bigfoots are fast as shit through a goose! Sum folks believe in sumthang called ‘the woo’. That’s whar Bigfoot has access to supernatural powers like cloaking and inter-dimensional portals and such. These folks are fucking dumber than dog shit, cuz none of that thar horse shit is real. These are big wild animals and can cover a lot of ground in a short time, jest like every other wild animal.”



“With the realization kicking in that I wuz not gonna catch up with this booger, and that I wuz nekkid in the briar-infested woods while covered in shit, I slowed my pace to a walk. ‘Shit!’, I sed out loud. Then I seen sumthang up ahead on the ground. I walked up to it to get a better look. It wuz a goddamn catfish head, with no body. And it wuz fresh! That motherfucking catfish-stealing, hairy sumbitchin’ Bigfoot came through here, and it already started eating my damn fish! SON OF A BITCH!!!”



“Enraged, I took off after it again, running at full steam, barreling bare-assed through the woods. After a couple minutes I came up on a house. It was Ms. Patterson’s house. Old Ms. Patterson wuz a real sad story. She and her boyfriend got married at the tender age of 18. They married back in 1988 as a couple of love-struck kids. Her husband, Old Sonny ‘Sloppy-Seconds’ Patterson, had jest enlisted in the Army. He wuz gonna do sum time in the service to earn sum college money so he could study up on being a doctor.”



“After them 2 married, old Sonny built this here house fer his bride. Then, old Saddam Hussein went and invaded Kuwait, which really riled up old Herbert Walker Bush, like finding a fat tick on yer ball sack. Next thang ya know, old Sonny gets shipped off to Saudi Arabia. Poor old Ms. Patterson waited here fer her love to return from war. But he never came home.”



“Now, I’d like to tell ya that old Sonny died a hero, taking on Saddam’s Republican Guard with his bare hands er something similar. Old Sonny was a hometown boy, and we all want to be proud of him. I’d like to be able to say Sonny died with valor, but I can’t. What happened is that Sonny got his testicles caught in a photo-copier machine, nearly got ‘em ripped off, the wound got infected, and he died in the Saudi Arabian desert. In fact, he died in such a jackass, stupid way, they did not want to waste their time on a serviceman’s funeral. So, the other G.I.’s just threw the body into the local camel stable. Them fucking critters picked his bones clean.”



“Poor old Ms. Patterson was humiliated upon learning that she had married a fuck-up. She never took another husband and rarely leaves her house out here in the woods. She gettin’ on up in years now, approaching 50. And now I jest stumbled up on her house. That damn Bigfoot is out here too...with my goddamn fish!”



“Now, I knowed I was in hot pursuit. But I was curious too. Back in the day, that Ms. Patterson was a REAL LOOKER! I decided to take me a moment and look into this. And by ‘look into this’, I meant peek into the windows. I looked into a couple of them, but nobody wuz there. Then I looked into the window looking into the living room. THAR SHE WUZ!! But she wuz lying on the floor with her eyes closed. AND SHE WUZ NEKKID. Hell, I thought she may be dead. I decided that I needed to take action!”



“Stupidly, I tried the front door, knowing in the back of my mind that it wuz probably locked. But it weren’t!! So I entered the door and walked over to Ms. Patterson’s body. She appeared unconscious. I concluded she wuz dead. ‘Poor little lady musta had a heart attack’, I thought to myself. Nonetheless, I could not help but notice that old Ms. Patterson still looked pretty goddamn good! She wuz still slim and fit, had those perky little titties, and them blow-job lips. She must have jest died cuz she ain’t turned gray yet. Her naked body looked too good to pass up.”



“I thought, you know, oh well, nobody is anywhere around, so I knelt down, positioned myself, and them slammed my already hard pecker into Ms. Patterson’s love pit. Immediately, my thrust wuz met with a lustfull moan from Ms. Patterson. This scared the ever-living shit out of me. I jumped up, scared shitless. Then Ms. Patterson opened her eyes, seen me, and scampered backwards onto her couch, then covered up with a blanket that was on the couch.”



“In the heat of of the moment I thought the hand of Lucifer hisself had reanimated this corpse and that I wuz right in the middle of some kind of macabre scene of evil. But after a moment of mental clarification, I realized that the Patterson woman wuz never dead. She wuz jest lying naked on her living room floor fer sum dumb reason.”



“Now Ms. Patterson wuz on her couch, covering herself and visibly trembling, yelling at me through tears to get out of the house. I wuz ready to leave after the fright she put on me, but I needed answers first. I walked over to Ms. Patterson on the couch, which caused her to draw-up and get really squirrelly. I realized that this lil lady needed to calm down before she could see things rationally, so I slapped the shit outa her. WHACK!!”



“Then I sed ‘Look, I’m sorry. I thought you were dead. I would never have plunged my thumpin’ stick into ya if’n I knowed you wuz alive.”



Shaking, she screamed at me again, calling me a ‘rapist’. I knew I wuz not gonna get anywhar with this irrational chick. Instinctively, I reached fer the shooting iron on my hip, then wuz snapped back into reality by the fact that I wuz naked as a Jay Bird. I wuz like ‘Aw hell. I guess I will have to clean up this mess with my bare hands’. Just as I took a step toward Ms. Patterson, something hit me in the back of my head.”



“I spun around. There, standing not 10 feet away from me, wuz that goddamn Sasquatch I wuz chasin. And it still had my bag of fish in its hand. Looking down at my feet I seen a catfish. That damn critter had thrown a fish and hit me on the back of my head with it! THAT pissed me off!”



“Then Ms. Patterson called out to the Bigfoot, exclaiming ‘Barack!!!’”



I looked at her. I narrowed my eyes, projecting a clear ‘What The Fuck?!?’ expression on my face. Ms. Patterson gave me a stink-eye look and spitefully sed to me ‘Barack is my protector...my overlord...my lover.’ With that last comment she raised her chin, looked at the Bigfoot, and sed ‘Barack, this person is an intruder, and he RAPED ME!!”



“Well, sir, that damn Bigfoot dropped my bag of fish, it’s eyebrows raised and its eyes grew large, all after the widow accused me of rape. It was as if the damn critter understood what she was telling it, and was having a visceral reaction to her words. Then shit got real.”



“The Bigfoot turned its gaze to me. It’s eyes narrowed, fists clinched, and breathing became rapid and shallow. Then it emitted a low and menacing growl as it showed its teeth. Clearly, if nothing quickly changed, I was fucked.”



“I bolted over to Ms. Patterson in a flash, punched her right in her face to stun her and make her submissive, then busted the glass kerosene lamp on the end table and got me a good jagged edge of glass to hold to Ms. Patterson’s throat. I wuz taking Patterson hostage to protect myself from the squatch.”



“That thar Bigfoot went ape-shit crazy when it seen me threatening it’s human fuck-piece. It wuz knocking shit on the floor, throwing shit, yelling and screaming at me, and busting holes in the wall. A lesser man would have ran, and then would have been ripped to pieces by the animal. But I been killing and maiming these here Bigfoots since I was knee-high to a street whore. I know how to handle stressful situations like this. The most important thang to remember is STAY CALM.”



“I cut Patterson’s throat, deeply, with the shard of glass. It wuz a big old gaping cut, ear to ear and immediately drawing copious amounts of blood. I dropped her, and her body crumpled to the floor. I could tell that the beast had a real emotional connection to this crazy bitch. Thus, I knew that his love fer her was prioritized in its brain over its rage fer me. I figured this gave me a brief window of opportunity.”



“After I dropped the doomed bitch, I backed away. Sure enough, the Bigfoot went to her, not me. Now, I ALWAYS carry a weapon er two on me. But since I wuz naked and left my river bank perch in haste, I wuz plum helpless. However, I did spy a grosse messer hanging on the wall. Fer you Soy Boy f#ggots out thar, a grosse messer is a big-assed German sword. This one wuz real too, I assessed after grabbing it off the wall. Big and heavy!”



“While the Bigfoot named Barack held the limp Ms. Patterson as her life quickly slipped away, I slipped up behind the beast with the sword, swung that heavy fucker, and took it’s fucking head clean off with one swing!! A torrent of Sasquatch blood shot upward out of the critter’s neck hole and hit the ceiling, splattering all over the living room and coating everthang, including yours truly.”



“Outside the house I looked at myself... naked and covered in shit and blood. What a sight I must be! But, I had my bag of fish back!! In addition, I had me a Bigfoot head that I can throw into a pot of beans for flavoring! I wuz ready to hump it back to Sasquatch Hollow. Of course, I set the old Patterson house on fire before I left. It was a‘ blazing like an angry pack of hemorrhoids in a street whore on Sunday morning when I left the Patterson property!”

 

[bluzman61]

Bravo! This reminds me of a Stephen King story. Nicely done.

 

[Votto]

Big deal.

There are already 11 documented encounters with Big Foot on video

 

[Likkmee]

Hot damn buddyroe ! You gotz ya some proper fuckin Engliss skillz. Nona that thar yankee blatherin...soundin like a drunkass jew lawyer er some shit likatt. Roun these parts you soundin just likatt pretty boy on TV !
Ya dun made mah dick hard ! I gotsta run like a broke dick dog and git me sum noddahead afore that likker store slams his gate !

 

[TroglocratsRdumb]

are you sure it was bigfoot?

 

[Harry Dresden]

Big deal.

There are already 11 documented encounters with Big Foot on video

there is more than that.....

 

[CrusaderFrank]

That was stellar!

 

[Leo123]

Funna!!