A Couple of thoughts about relationships...

[dmp]

Religion/Ethics...Yeah...I'm not sure if I see the link between what I'm about to write, and this forum. My decision for placing here is based on how I feel the replies will go, and because I'm basing what I am about to write on things of the heart...of the soul.

Having 'said' that...


Easter Sunday, in the evening, my brother called to invite my family to his place for desert. My (and my brother's) Father&Mother-in-law were at his home as well. During the discussion the topic of matters of the heart - passion - intimacy, etc was raised. Speaking about my wife, I quoted a line from the movie "Alex and Emma" - Emma said to Alex, "Hey, I'm Passionate!"
to which Alex replied, "Yeah, if the dishes are done...". I related that to how my wife often can't enjoy a moment if there exists something in the house that 'has to be done'.

My mother in law replied with "I agree - If I have everything done around the house, only then am I able to relax and enjoy my husband!"

The girls there (My wife and her sister and Mom) all harrumphed and agreed before I interrupted with something meant to sound like:

"Okay Mom...so say you have 4 hours of work around the house that has to be done. Dad leaves for work at 6:30am, and figure Dad is home every evening from 5pm, until he goes to bed at 9pm. How about this - instead of finishing everything you have to do, THEN enjoying Dad, how about reversing the order. What about Enjoying Dad, and THEN working around the house. You know you'll see him at 5pm, use the time before he gets home to get done whatever you wanted to do. If you don't have time, do the rest tomorrow.

She quickly replied with the adage "Don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today!"

The conversation sort of changed directions soon after...but I still haven't forgotten her words. The words - her last line - sort of haunt me. The more I think on them the more troubled I become.

Have you been to a funeral? I've been fortunate enough to have had few people close to me die. While at my Grandfather's funeral, I never heard the following:

"I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time with Grandpa. I wish I hadn't sat on the sofa with Grandpa, just watching TV - I mean, I could have gotten a LOT more done around the house."


Although I cannot be 100% certain, while on their deathbed, people won't often lament how they won't have time to get one more load of laundry finished. I'd bet money their thoughts are not "Lord, let me live just awhile longer - I have to vacuum".

Don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today. Isn't that exactly what is happening? A spouse who lives by that is telling their mate "I'm going to put you off for tomorrow (or later), because I want to do something else with my time today (right now)."

I implore you, husbands and wives, don't put off your affections or attention for your spouse. Don't wait until you have time for them. Do not let a night go by without at least once snuggling over to 'their side' of the bed and cuddling with them. There will be a day, and I pray it's not soon, but reality tells me there will be a day coming where you would give everything you have for one more hug. One more Kiss. One more touch of the person you have committed to love.

We've all heard the advice "Schedule time" for your mate. "Make time" to be together. In principle that is fine, however I'd suggest taking it a step further. I'd suggest a marriage would be better served if couples were so into each other, they had to 'make time' to do laundry, or 'schedule an hour' for doing the dishes. I think the ultimate example of a happy marriage is a marriage where both partners strive to love their mate. Love, in this case is an 'action'...not a 'feeling'. Love your spouse, and the rest will fall into place. Only when we put as much effort into loving our husband or wife as we put into other areas, will our marriages become full.

 

[rtwngAvngr]

Nice, man! Tried to rep ya, but must spread it around.

 

[no1tovote4]

Damn -=d=-, excellent post. Can't rep ya either, but have to give props for that.

It is important to think of the differences between men and women as well, this may be a nesting thing for women. They just "feel" more free when the home has been put together in the proper order, maybe "safer" would be the better word. This allows them to more freely give of themselves to their spouse.

Men don't have this quite as stongly and can more easily give of themselves without needing that particular stuff to be remedied in order to not have that weighing on the mind.

Personally, I jump right in and help my wife in getting the stuff done and in that way spend more time with my wife at the same time as settling her spirit by putting the nest in order. We are then free to enjoy each other in a more physical way.

 

[Shattered]

Repped.

 

[dmp]

Thanks guys - Instead of rep, I'd simply ask that you think about what I wrote, and try to apply it. The single biggest proverbial monkey on my marriage's back is this issue. This issue lead to my wife and my seperation a few years ago - and talk of divorce this year.

Excellent insights, No1, I hadn't thought about that, but it makes sense.

Part of the problem is, well, me. I'm a romantic. I'm sensual. I'm passionate. My wife is practical. Intellectual. We often joke about being role-reversed in this area, where 'she' is the distant one, who can't express her feelings, and "I" am the moody one, who sometimes just needs to be held. For me, it's 2nd nature to want to shower her with love/affection/attention. For me its simply exercising a part of 'who I am'. There's no reminders needed...there's really little effort. I love to love her because that's how I am.

 

[Mr. P]

Oh -=D=-, you mushy putz!
Excellant!

 

[no1tovote4]

Thanks guys - Instead of rep, I'd simply ask that you think about what I wrote, and try to apply it. The single biggest proverbial monkey on my marriage's back is this issue. This issue lead to my wife and my seperation a few years ago - and talk of divorce this year.

Excellent insights, No1, I hadn't thought about that, but it makes sense.

Part of the problem is, well, me. I'm a romantic. I'm sensual. I'm passionate. My wife is practical. Intellectual. We often joke about being role-reversed in this area, where 'she' is the distant one, who can't express her feelings, and "I" am the moody one, who sometimes just needs to be held. For me, it's 2nd nature to want to shower her with love/affection/attention. For me its simply exercising a part of 'who I am'. There's no reminders needed...there's really little effort. I love to love her because that's how I am.

Jump in and help her get the nest in order. Not only would you be spending time together but you would directly be helping in making her feel safer and more free to share herself.

 

[dmp]

Jump in and help her get the nest in order. Not only would you be spending time together but you would directly be helping in making her feel safer and more free to share herself.

That's a good point. Make daily activites fun...turn 'doing the dishes' into 'a chance to talk and vent and be close to eachother.'

One day last week, I was in the kitchen with mary. she was cleaning stuff. I'd 'intercept' her cleaning towel. If I saw her moving to wipe a counter, I'd run over and get to it before she did. If she sprayed cleaner on the stove top, I'd cut her off, and clean it first...that sorta thing. She loved it. It was fun for me to see her smiling and laughing.

 

[Joz]

Very nice -=d=-, and should give each one of us pause.

I like a clean house as much as the next person. But if I had to choose that over spending time with my spouse or children, it fell to the wayside. My home has been comfortable, a place where the boys could bring their friends; and yes, there were messes. But I knew where they were & what they were doing. The last winter before Zachary died was a pretty bad one. School was cancelled quite a bit. I remember sliding up to Blockbuster, getting a stack of 99 cent movies and curling up on the floor, under a cover and watched Jackie Chan. My heart aches for Zachary, every single day.

As far as your spouse, when the children are gone, you are back to being alone with each other. But it's not the same as when you were first together without kids. Most of the time you look at them & wonder who they are. Don't let that happen. Cultivate & nurture, the relationship and appreciate your mate. The dishes will still be there, tomorrow. They may not.

 

[dmp]

As far as your spouse, when the children are gone, you are back to being alone with each other. But it's not the same as when you were first together without kids. Most of the time you look at them & wonder who they are. Don't let that happen. Cultivate & nurture, the relationship and appreciate your mate. The dishes will still be there, tomorrow. They may not.

You have made my point in 1/8th the amount of words. Exactly.

 

[Joz]

I have to add something here.
You could do surgery on the floor at my mother's; even after she got very sick. She cleaned her house twice a week and tidied in between. Tuesdays & Wednesday were 'play' days, but no other time. Sometimes she would tell me that she couldn't "be a wife" to my father (I knew what that meant). And, sometimes she'd call me after a visit to tell me one of my kids left fingerprints on her wall. And now, her life has come down to dividing up the stuff she accumulated over the years. But you know what? She had a clean house.

 

[-Cp]

Part of the problem is, well, me. I'm a romantic. I'm sensual. I'm passionate. My wife is practical. Intellectual. We often joke about being role-reversed in this area, where 'she' is the distant one, who can't express her feelings, and "I" am the moody one, who sometimes just needs to be held. For me, it's 2nd nature to want to shower her with love/affection/attention. For me its simply exercising a part of 'who I am'. There's no reminders needed...there's really little effort. I love to love her because that's how I am.

Are ya sure you're not gay?

 

[BillyBadAss]

but if I help her in the kitchen, when do I get time to play video games?

My wife does this stuff too... gotta clean everything, family can wait. I've tried to get her to change, but she doesn't. She made a few poor attempts in the past, but I've pretty much given up on it. I just don't let it get to me anymore.

 

[Mr. P]

This all reminds me of something I heard years ago..."If the house ain't messy, it doesn't looked LIVED in".
So true, in more ways than one, huh?

 

[-Cp]

but if I help her in the kitchen, when do I get time to play video games?

My wife does this stuff too... gotta clean everything, family can wait. I've tried to get her to change, but she doesn't. She made a few poor attempts in the past, but I've pretty much given up on it. I just don't let it get to me anymore.

If most wives are anything like mine, they have no choice (really) but to clean all the friggin time - 4 kids and a husband? Are you kidding me?

- there is ALWAYS Laundry to be done
- there is ALWAYS Dishes to be done
- there is ALWAYS floors to be swept
- there is ALWAYS carpets to vacuum
- there is ALWAYS surfaces to clean/dust

I'm willing to bet that more women would have the time to get into their husbands if they had a LOT more help getting the crap done that helps them feel as if their "nests" are clean...

Even though I agree with the principle of Darin's post, it's not very practicle with most women (rightly or wrongly) - as they can't "get into being snuggly or physical" with anyone if they feel their doing so in a disaster zone..

 

[dmp]

but if I help her in the kitchen, when do I get time to play video games?

My wife does this stuff too... gotta clean everything, family can wait. I've tried to get her to change, but she doesn't. She made a few poor attempts in the past, but I've pretty much given up on it. I just don't let it get to me anymore.

Hmm....maybe if you stopped bringing home strippers?



I tried just 'accepting' things. I can't. Simply accepting things on 'her' terms tears away at the very core of who I am. Send Nicky up here on vacation, after the baby...maybe she just needs a change of guy-er...I mean 'scenery'

 

[dmp]

Even though I agree with the principle of Darin's post, it's not very practicle with most women (rightly or wrongly) - as they can't "get into being snuggly or physical" with anyone if they feel their doing so in a disaster zone..

It's true of your wife and my wife...but they are in the minority of women I've known and loved. Most of the time, the house is not a disaster zone. Those aren't the times I'm speaking of. The times when the house absolutely has to be cleaned, or such; those times are few and far between. I'm talking about the times when the house is more or less acceptable, and one of the spouses is hurtin' for some attention, or lovin' or whatever...and they get put-off because of things which, in the big picture, are of no consequence whether they are done right this hour, or later...or sometimes...never.

 

[-Cp]

It's true of your wife and my wife...but they are in the minority of women I've known and loved. Most of the time, the house is not a disaster zone. Those aren't the times I'm speaking of. The times when the house absolutely has to be cleaned, or such; those times are few and far between. I'm talking about the times when the house is more or less acceptable, and one of the spouses is hurtin' for some attention, or lovin' or whatever...and they get put-off because of things which, in the big picture, are of no consequence whether they are done right this hour, or later...or sometimes...never.

Right, but I think it's possible some spouses are too emotional for any one human to possibly keep up with..

 

[rtwngAvngr]

It's true of your wife and my wife...but they are in the minority of women I've known and loved. Most of the time, the house is not a disaster zone. Those aren't the times I'm speaking of. The times when the house absolutely has to be cleaned, or such; those times are few and far between. I'm talking about the times when the house is more or less acceptable, and one of the spouses is hurtin' for some attention, or lovin' or whatever...and they get put-off because of things which, in the big picture, are of no consequence whether they are done right this hour, or later...or sometimes...never.

The truth is this: Women don't really like sex that much, they just pretend to to trap a breadwinner. It goes like this: Feed the ego, then destroy it.

 

[-Cp]

The truth is this: Women don't really like sex that much, they just pretend to to trap a breadwinner. It goes like this: Feed the ego, then destroy it.

I am completely convinced that men enjoy sex WAY more then women...