After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"
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Mark had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. After a few weeks of this, Mr. Johnson, his boss, called him in and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So, Mark went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work. "Mr. Johnson," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!" "That's all fine," said his boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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TEACHER: ... Young man, you've been late for school five days this week. Does that make you happy?
PUPIL: ......... Sure does. That means its Friday.
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Why did the belt get sentenced to 10 years in Jail? ... It had been holding up a pair of pants.
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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, may most likely not a nice person.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
You actually have no lifelong real friends, if you always say what you've just been thinking, nobody actually cares.
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