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04-10-2006, 06:03 PM
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The angry boss swore as the underling fidgeted nervously.
"Simmons, will you please quit chattering and squirming, What's wrong with you?"
Simmons sat silently. His eyes began to well up.
"So you're gonna cry now? Oh jesus."
Mr. Billings walked out of the board room flustered, disgusted. He went to his office. |
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04-10-2006, 06:48 PM
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Underling doesn't work well either. Use cafone and change it to a mafia story. :laugh:
Just kidding.
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04-10-2006, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Said1 What's this?
Underling doesn't work well either. Use cafone and change it to a mafia story. :laugh:
Just kidding. | Why do you hate me? Just kidding! :dance: |
04-10-2006, 07:21 PM
| | Registered User | | Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Somewhere in Ontario
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Rep Power: 29 | | | I thought the boss was annoyed?
Why is he annoyed, mid-life crisis looming and always in a perpetual state of anxiety since his friends started dropping dead a few years ago?
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04-10-2006, 07:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Said1 I thought the boss was annoyed?
Why is he annoyed, mid-life crisis looming and always in a perpetual state of anxiety since his friends started dropping dead a few years ago? | He's annoyed at the weakness, immaturity, and incompetence of his workers. It's certainly not like when he was coming up through the ranks. He needs a scotch. |
04-10-2006, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by rtwngAvngr He's annoyed at the weakness, immaturity, and incompetence of his workers. It's certainly not like when he was coming up through the ranks. He needs a scotch. | It's usually the boss who lacks competence and maturity. Probably all the scotch.
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04-10-2006, 07:40 PM
| | 1-20-09 | | Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: The Other Side of Paradise
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Rep Power: 350 | | ooh...hope you don't mind if I play, too.... Quote: |
Originally Posted by rtwngAvngr The angry boss swore as the underling fidgeted nervously.
"Simmons, will you please quit chattering and squirming, What's wrong with you?"
Simmons sat silently. His eyes began to well up.
"So you're gonna cry now? Oh jesus."
Mr. Billings walked out of the board room flustered, disgusted. He went to his office. | Mr. Billings swore under his breath at his newest trainee whose words were coming out of his mouth in an incoherant stream.
"Simmons will you please stop your chattering and sit still, dammit. What on earth is wrong with you?"
Simmons immediately went silent, his eyes welling with tears.
"Oh, Jaysus.... you're not going to start to cry, are you?"....
On that note, Billings turned on his heels and walked out of the boardroom, disgusted by the talentless, gutless group of trainees being turned out by what passed for universities these days. |
04-10-2006, 07:42 PM
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Originally Posted by jillian ooh...hope you don't mind if I play, too....
Mr. Billings swore under his breath at his newest trainee whose words were coming out of his mouth in an incoherant stream.
"Simmons will you please stop your chattering and sit still, dammit. What on earth is wrong with you?"
Simmons immediately went silent, his eyes welling with tears.
"Oh, Jaysus.... you're not going to start to cry, are you?"....
On that note, Billings turned on his heels and walked out of the boardroom, disgusted by the talentless, gutless group of trainees being turned out by what passed for universities these days. | That's actually a good rewrite, incorporating the flavor of stuff i thought of later. You ARE good for something! :teeth: |
04-10-2006, 07:44 PM
| | Senior Member | | Join Date: Jan 2004
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Rep Power: 0 | | | I am little light on adjective use, because really I want to be a screenwriter. Adjectives are basically useless in that context. |
04-10-2006, 07:48 PM
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Originally Posted by rtwngAvngr That's actually a good rewrite, incorporating the flavor of stuff i thought of later. You ARE good for something! :teeth: | :finger3: (just kidding).... :p: |
04-10-2006, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by rtwngAvngr I am little light on adjective use, because really I want to be a screenwriter. Adjectives are basically useless in that context. | Ah...didn't realize that from that little bit. Seemed more prose than screenplay. Good luck with the writing. Real competative field to choose.
Last edited by jillian; 04-10-2006 at 07:52 PM.
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04-10-2006, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by jillian Ah...didn't realize that from that little bit. Seemed more prose than screenplay. Good luck with the writing. Real competative field to choose. | Yeah. Well. That little bit was prose. |
04-10-2006, 08:30 PM
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Originally Posted by rtwngAvngr Yeah. Well. That little bit was prose. | Fun stuff..... I actually love to write. But sometimes it's more fun to edit than to have to create. |
04-11-2006, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by rtwngAvngr The boss swore | you can tell he's angry bc he's swearing, cut out "angrily." Quote: |
as the underling fidgeted.
| fidgeting is a nervous activity; no need to reiterate. Cut out "nervously." Quote: |
"Simmons, will you please quit chattering
| was Simmons chattering? Quote:
squirming, What's wrong with you?"
Simmons sat silently.
| maybe: "Simmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up." Quote: |
"So you're gonna cry now? Oh jesus."
| Come on, now! At least capitalize the Lord's name, even if you ARE using it in vain! :tng: Quote: |
Mr. Billings walked out of the board room flustered, disgusted. He went to his office.
| Maybe: "Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door." Using stronger verbs eliminates the need for many adjectives and adverbs, conveys the emotion without the extra words. This, you said, was your goal.
So, in summary: The boss swore as the underling fidgeted. "Simmons, will you please quit squirming? What's wrong with you?"
SImmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up.
"So you're going to cry, now? Oh Jesus!" Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door.
That's my rewrite! 
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04-11-2006, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by mom4 you can tell he's angry bc he's swearing, cut out "angrily." fidgeting is a nervous activity; no need to reiterate. Cut out "nervously."
was Simmons chattering? maybe: "Simmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up."
Come on, now! At least capitalize the Lord's name, even if you ARE using it in vain! :tng:
Maybe: "Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door." Using stronger verbs eliminates the need for many adjectives and adverbs, conveys the emotion without the extra words. This, you said, was your goal.
So, in summary: The boss swore as the underling fidgeted. "Simmons, will you please quit squirming? What's wrong with you?"
SImmons ceased motion, but his eyes began to well up.
"So you're going to cry, now? Oh Jesus!" Mr. Billings strode from the board room and slammed his office door.
That's my rewrite! |
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