As requested. Only some of them are mine.... You think HMO is a cable channel. You support a waiting period for abortions but not for gun purchases. You believe God is everywhere - except your motel room. Liberal applies to the amount of scotch in your glass, and moderate to the water. The only "gay" you support - is the Enola Gay. You believe judges have become political activists - except for the Supreme Court. You believe trial lawyers are evil except in the case of the 2000 election. You think banks and the government should keep your private financial records for years but have no right to keep gun purchase data for more than 24 hours. You think of reality TV as Fox News. You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two". You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend". You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. You think Huey Newton is a cookie. You think the Theory of Evolution was a liberal propaganda. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you. You drive a Buick with all the chrome options and wired hubcaps. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs." You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school." You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie." You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood." You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance." You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values." When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho." You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut." You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America. You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." You've ever called education a luxury. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductible. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. You're afraid of the "liberal media." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, the Bible said...." You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes. You confuse Lenin with Lennon. You can't wait till Jesus returns so he can resurect Ronald Regan. You believe the amendments to the Constitution were written in order of importance. Except the first and second. You believe the top rated Radio and TV personalities in the country are not "Mainstream". You think "Obamination" "Obamalama-ding-dong" or some such is both witty, clever and original. Ted Haggard isn't gay. He sinned. You believe that 5 armed guys in a pickup in Texas are excercising their god given rights. 5 Guys in a pikup in Kandhar are a grave threat to America. You want the government out of your life. - Except for Marraige, Reproduction, and End of life care. You Believe the bible is the literal word of god. - Except for the sermon on the mount. You believe in strict border controls, except for your gardner, your housekeepr, your nanny, the pool boy and the three guys that cleaned out your septic tank last week. You believe that Hollywood never produced anything valid. - Except Ronald Regan, John Wayne, and Charlton Heston. Speaking of the latter, now his hands are cold and dead......can we have his guns now?